{"id":838,"date":"2016-05-06T14:45:44","date_gmt":"2016-05-06T14:45:44","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=838"},"modified":"2016-05-06T14:45:44","modified_gmt":"2016-05-06T14:45:44","slug":"sex-lubebaba-ramdev-patanjali-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=838","title":{"rendered":"My Adventures With Sanskari Lube"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

L<\/span>ast night, I was in the mood. For once, it wasn\u2019t a Tinder or OkCupid lover. Nope, just the good old-fashioned friend of a friend. We\u2019d hit it off, and at 1 am, we were back at my place, just the right level of tipsy. At 2 am, we were Dunzo-ing condoms from the only late-night chemist around. Moods ribbed was all they had\u2026 and what a colossal disaster they turned out to be.\n\nBecause while they were ribbed for my pleasure, they had no lubricant on them whatsoever. Think, texture of fresh-from-the-factory shrink wrap. We gave it a shot anyway. Five minutes in, he was still oblivious to the fact that these condoms were total fail, but I was on my back cringing. I picked up the packet, looked at the back, and a sad glossy ad for lube stared back at me. But even the late-night chemist would be shut at 4 am.\n\nAt 3.30 am, we were Googling, \u201cCan you use Nivea cream instead of lube?\u201d No please don\u2019t, said a scarred soul on Quora. It has mineral oils that could cause vaginal infections and penile allergies. People insisted KY Jelly is the way to go, because it is made from water and karo leaves, a shrub that grows in New Zealand (3.45 am is evidently the best time to soak in such beautifully irrelevant trivia). Some sites suggested eating flax seeds and other foods with lots of Omega 3 fatty acids and chances are you won\u2019t even need lube! Sure, that\u2019s real helpful now, pal.\n\nIt was clearly time to get inventive. I did a quick mental calculation of all the liquids in my kitchen, and realised, with a jolt, that my flatmate had borrowed the coconut oil that morning. We began to share stories about lube and miscellaneous kitchen items we\u2019d heard of our friends using, often with catastrophic consequences. Butter, of course, was a standard favourite, but I found that revolting (quite possibly, still scarred from the <\/p>Last Tango in Paris<\/em> butter scene<\/a>). Besides, it makes the condom brittle, and the prospect of having a baby with this friend of a friend wasn\u2019t appealing. Whipped cream on the other hand is far sexier, and if only my flatmate weren\u2019t on a perpetual diet, there probably would be some in the fridge.\n\nWhen we were 18, my best friend and her boyfriend went to buy condoms for their first time. They were red in the face with embarrassment, and their local chemist wasn\u2019t the friendliest of chaps. They\u2019d mumbled and managed to get a Durex packet, but asking for lube would raise way too many eyebrows. So they picked up a bottle of innocuous-looking Biotique avocado oil. And two hours later, really wished they could go back in time and ask confidently for lube instead. While it did great things for clitoral stimulation, it smelled of stale spinach and he ended up developing rashes.\n\nOf course, every circle has its extreme weirdos. A friend of mine was once really really<\/em> feeling it while stranded in a hotel room in Andhra Pradesh, and ended up using the freshly squeezed pulp of three unsuspecting mangoes that were lying in the fridge. It didn\u2019t feel too bad, he said, once he got over the strangeness of it and the mild burning sensation. Not bad at all. Another friend used tomato pur\u00e9e, and heaven knows how his partner managed to rectify what that did to her vaginal pH balance. A few websites recommended classic kitchen and bathroom products \u2013 aloe vera gel, corn starch with water, and egg whites \u2013 that sounded reasonably promising, but not feasible at the moment. I made a mental note for the next high-and-dry emergency.\n\nThen it happened. I was in the bathroom \u2013 resigned to a hopeless night and cursing the sadistic universe that had designed the human anatomy with such shortsightedness \u2013 ready to embrace celibacy as my punishment… when I stumbled upon a small bottle of Baba Ramdev\u2019s almond hair oil. You know, the one known<\/a> for the \u201cpurity of its ingredients\u201d.\n

The almond smell was very good and wholesome, it didn\u2019t feel over-greasy, and everything was smooooth \u2013 except the KLPD image I\u2019d had, which took a few seconds to shake off.<\/blockquote>\nEverything stood still for a couple of seconds, and my stomach did a series of cartwheels. Should I suggest it? Most of my very woke friends, even those who secretly swear by his milk shampoo, would think it was sacrilege to canoodle using anything remotely related to His Babaness. Would NotTinderfella think I don\u2019t have any morals? Or that I\u2019d lost my marbles because of my giant sexual appetite, like the mad man of Andhra, the mango-pulp gent?\n\nThere was a good chance that the almond oil would kill my game and dampen the whatever minimal sexiness was left after this trying night. Well, great. Now B. Ramdev\u2019s face got up in my head. It was time to act now, or forever hold my peace.\n\nGingerly, I went out and held the bottle up to the boy. After five seconds of disbelief and brow-raising, ten of hesitation, and twenty of laughter, we were at it. And I am happy to report that the oil worked like a charm. The almond smell was very good and wholesome, it didn\u2019t feel over-greasy, and everything was smooooth \u2013 except the KLPD image I\u2019d had, which took a few seconds to shake off.\n\nWe were in splits about it at the end, especially after the very friendly friend of a friend told me parts of me were shinier post the almond-oil treatment. This was a great find we told each other, but we decided that not everyone was cool enough for the Baba solution. Or were they?\n\nPerhaps it\u2019s time Baba Inc tapped (haha) into the lube market \u2013 who knows, it could help all the poor souls out there experimenting with avocado mush, tomato pur\u00e9e\u2026 or Nivea. Now that<\/em> would be helping humanity.\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

One night in the heat of passion and out of personal lubricant, I turned to the most unlikely candidate on my bathroom shelf: A bottle of Patanjali almond oil.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":130,"featured_media":839,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[15],"tags":[1504,1505,1506,22,408],"class_list":["post-838","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-love-and-sex","tag-baba-ramdev","tag-lube","tag-patanjali","tag-relationships","tag-sex"],"yoast_head":"\nMy Adventures With Sanskari Lube<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"One night in the heat of passion and out of personal lubricant, I turned to the most unlikely candidate on my bathroom shelf: A bottle of Patanjali almond oil.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link 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