{"id":793,"date":"2016-03-29T12:04:26","date_gmt":"2016-03-29T12:04:26","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=793"},"modified":"2016-03-29T12:04:26","modified_gmt":"2016-03-29T12:04:26","slug":"exclusive-breakthrough-interview-aliens-nasa-space-exoplanets-weedward-bongstein","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=793","title":{"rendered":"EXCLUSIVE! Breakthrough Interview with Aliens!"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

H<\/span>ours after NASA revealed that it had found <\/p>planets<\/a> that could harbour life, the world\u2019s premier investigative journalists, Weedward and Bongstein, were listening to the radio. While reacting passionately to a Bon Jovi song, they knocked it over and managed to break it. The scrambled sound of static from the broken radio suddenly began to morph into intelligible sounds.\n\nOur journalists immediately set about transcribing what they heard into Google Translate. What they discovered was far more explosive than anything in NASA\u2019s press release. Long story short: Aliens do exist, and had agreed to give Weedward and Bongstein a one-time only, exclusive interview over the radio. They spoke at length about their plans regarding Earth.\n\nW&B: Hello, Alien! Do you come in peace?\n\nAlien: Om, om, om, om.\n\nW&B: What\u2019s that? Who are you?\n\nAlien: Om, om, dhoop.\n\nW&B: Oh my god, are you a really real alien like Jadoo? Koi… Mil Gaya<\/em> was actually true?! This is blowing our minds!\n\nAlien: Om, om\u2026 (laughter) Okay that\u2019s enough. I\u2019m just messing with you. I am not Jadoo. I love Hrithik Roshan movies<\/a>, though.\n\nW&B: Oh well that makes one of you. So how do you know so much about us humans?\n\nAlien: Oh, we aliens watch everything. We watch Russia when we want to see an action movie, the US for horror. Recently we\u2019ve been watching a lot of India. It\u2019s like our Netflix.\n\nW&B: You\u2019ve been watching a lot of India\u2026?\n\nAlien: You have the most amazing people ever! Seriously, Bobby Deol<\/a> is the best DJ in the universe. And Salman Khan is like a lovable balloon\u2026 It\u2019s better material than anything F.R.I.E.N.D.S. has ever come up with. We have a popular saying in our system: \u201cA Rahul Gandhi in the parliament is better than two Chandlers in the Coffee Shop.\u201d\n\nW&B: Wow, didn\u2019t think you guys were this tuned in. How come you haven\u2019t tried to contact us before?\n\nAlien: Oh we spoke to an Orangutan in a suit once. He said he owned a bunch of towers, said he was president of something. It\u2019s amazing actually, how much respect humans have for animals!\n\nW&B: Actually, that\u2019s just the vegans. So what do you think of NASA, how have they not discovered you yet?\n\nAlien: Oh we\u2019d never reveal ourselves to those guys. They\u2019re too fond of probing things. We convince them every now and then that they\u2019ve made a huge discovery. It\u2019s hilarious.\n\nW&B: So you mean all of NASA\u2019s findings are just what you allow them to discover?\n\nAlien: Bitch please. We\u2019re experts at making sure only the information we choose to share reaches you. Alt-facts and the NSA haven\u2019t got shite on us.\n\nW&B: Right. So who wins the next season of Bigg Boss<\/a>?\n\nAliens: Wow\u2026 I do not know the answer to that.\n\nW&B: Not so smart now are you, alien?\n\nAliens: Don\u2019t sass us. Do you want to end like Hrithik before he met Jadoo?\n\nW&B: That\u2019s disgusting. We don\u2019t make fun of differently abled people on this planet any more.\n\nAliens: No, no! I meant have your career in the toilet.\n\nW&B: Since you know so much, can you tell us what a Sasikala is?\n\nAliens: Oh, she\u2019s one of our favourite characters on your show. You know how you guys love Game of Thrones<\/em><\/a> for its plots and assassinations? That\u2019s why we love Sasikala.\n\nW&B: So you mean you\u2019ve heard of GoT too?\n\nAliens: In fact, we sent George RR Martin a time machine so he could go to the future and finish his books, but he was too fat to get inside.\n\nW&B: A time machine? That\u2019s neat. So what happens to us in the future?\n\nAliens: We sent you a documentary, didn\u2019t you see it? It had James Franco.\n\nW&B: You mean Kink\u2026\n\nAliens: Shut up, you perv. We meant Rise of the Planet of the Apes.\n\nAs the alien shouted \u201cAPE BRINGS WAR,\u201d W&B decided that it was time to end this exclusive interview with the conclusion that aliens don\u2019t really have much to say. They threw the radio into an open gutter.\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Following NASA\u2019s discovery of seven exoplanets, our finest investigative journalists scored an interview with aliens. They spoke about Trump, Sasikala, and everything under the sun.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":15,"featured_media":794,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[74],"tags":[1412,324,1413,212,218,1414],"class_list":["post-793","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-disarre","tag-aliens","tag-disarre","tag-exoplanets","tag-nasa","tag-space","tag-weedward-bongstein"],"yoast_head":"\nEXCLUSIVE! Breakthrough Interview with Aliens!<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Following NASA\u2019s discovery of seven exoplanets, our finest investigative journalists scored an interview with aliens. 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