{"id":781,"date":"2016-07-13T17:54:17","date_gmt":"2016-07-13T17:54:17","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=781"},"modified":"2016-07-13T17:54:17","modified_gmt":"2016-07-13T17:54:17","slug":"india-motherhood-pregnancy-baby-boy-girl-female-foeticide-adoption","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=781","title":{"rendered":"I Want a Baby Boy. There I Said It"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

I<\/span><\/p><\/div>

t\u2019s Sunday morning and I\u2019m standing in front of my bathroom mirror, talking to myself, like some of us still do. I\u2019m having a conversation with myself about what would my answer be, if I suddenly became famous, and someone asked me about my biggest regret in life. Even as I think about fame, I know that ship has sailed; my reflection confirms it. I am, after all, a 37-year-old woman with two children. But still I can play pretend. No one can hear my thoughts, so I humour myself. \u00a0\u00a0<\/span>\n\nSo what is my biggest regret? Not surprisingly, I hear myself say softly that my biggest regret is not having a son. Tears roll down my cheek. It is not something I can say out loud. My friend has just posted a picture on Facebook, announcing the birth of her son. A lovely picture, a poignant moment for them, but still I am the one crying. \u00a0<\/span>\n\nI have two beautiful girls. I should be thankful. I<\/span> am<\/span><\/i> thankful. But I want a son. It\u2019s an impossible ask for many reasons. In the milieu that I occupy, adoption is not an option. I live in a one-child world, in a world where everyone wants a girl. In a world, where wanting a girl is what everyone expects from you. I am, after all, a freethinking, liberated woman, moving around in \u201ceducated circles\u201d. A woman, who is proud of her gender and proud of her daughters. Yet, I want a son. <\/span>\n\nI\u2019m not sure where this longing for a son comes from. All I know is that it\u2019s been there since I was a little girl. My idea of a family has always included a boy, even though I grew up in a household being favoured over my brother. Maybe it is the way my mother and brother interact. The silent, calm, uncomplicated bond.\u00a0Maybe I just want that for myself. \u00a0\u00a0<\/span>\n\nIf I had two sons, would I have wanted a daughter to complete the emotional experience? I don\u2019t know. Does my longing for a son stem from the clich\u00e9d \u201cbalance\u201d that people seek for \u2013 someone who will discuss cricket with my husband, someone he will share his watches and ties with? Or can it be that despite my independent thoughts, my education, and ambition, I have actually succumbed to the secret hope my in-laws have always harboured \u2013 of an heir? Having been an achiever all my life, was this just guilt working its way up my subconscious for not delivering on an expectation? I don\u2019t think so, since I have never lived by the standards my in-laws have set for me. But still, I want a son. <\/span>\n\n

It\u2019s a joy to raise daughters (I should know), but it\u2019s a different kind of joy to raise a son. <\/p><\/blockquote> \n\nThe gender of a foetus has been a part of Indian folklore from time immemorial. There are myths about shapes of bellies, sex positions, and foods related to a child\u2019s gender. I won\u2019t be surprised if the Chinese calendar is one of the most Googled terms in India. Whether you get your myths from grandma or the internet, there\u2019s no denying that sex selection is sadly entrenched in our society, to the extent that it\u2019s almost criminal to even talk openly about wanting a male child. <\/span>\n\nI know, of course, that this is needed in many ways in a country where female foeticide is everyday news. But even as we implement a self-imposed blanket ban on the desire for a son, there are a few stories that don\u2019t embrace the narrative of heir or economics. My narrative is different, my reasons are different, more personal, but the stigma still applies. I don\u2019t expect outsiders to understand; they don\u2019t know me after all. But my friends and family\u2026 surely they understand that wanting a son doesn\u2019t make me regressive. It\u2019s a joy to raise daughters (I should know), but it\u2019s a different kind of joy to raise a son. My crime is, wanting that joy. My crime is, not wanting a third girl child. <\/span>\n\nI wash my face and go back to my bedroom. I sit by the side of my sleepy husband to tell him about my relentless desire to have a son. Not a third child, a son. My husband, a logical man of few words, says, \u201cWho said you can\u2019t want a son?\u201d <\/span>\n\nThe words lift the darkness from my heart. Of course, we debate it over the next few months simply because wanting a son or having a third child is unheard of in the circles that we move in. Sure people at my workplace will laugh behind my back, countless people will politely call me \u201cbrave\u201d, and the not-so-polite lot will call me \u201cmad\u201d. Many more will heap me with remarks such as \u201cGirls are much more affectionate\u201d, \u00a0\u201cIn the end, only daughters will care\u201d, \u201cA girl can do everything a boy can\u201d. I will listen to all of it and yet listen to nothing. \u00a0<\/span>\n\nI am going to have a son. <\/span>\n

***<\/span><\/p>\nTwo years later, Rudra is born. Rudra could have turned out to be Rukmini, and yes, I would have been disappointed, but then I would have made peace with it. Trying for Rudra is a gift to myself. It is like that impossibly extravagant journey of a lifetime that we all promise ourselves but seldom undertake. The difference is that I set out on that journey.\n<\/span>\nI am blessed (not brave) that I did. I am not afraid to say it. Not now, after I have already been judged. Now I can look at myself in the mirror and know that I have no regrets. As for life with three kids\u2026 well, that\u2019s a story for another day.<\/span>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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