{"id":7492,"date":"2016-07-18T17:53:43","date_gmt":"2016-07-18T12:23:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=7492"},"modified":"2016-07-18T17:53:43","modified_gmt":"2016-07-18T12:23:43","slug":"how-choosing-not-to-be-a-mother-brought-me-closer-to-my-father-motherhood-parenting-indian-parents","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=7492","title":{"rendered":"How choosing not to be a mother brought me closer to my father"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

O<\/span>n a semi-cold morning during the winter of 2020, I made a revelation to my father. The effects of the first wave of Covid were wearing down, and we were all just coming to terms with what had hit us. My husband and I were out of work for more than six months and I\u2019d come down to my childhood home, a suburb within the city, to find my feet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Returning to the home that I grew up in has always been a great lesson in humility that I end up needing from time to time. Dad was off on his routine morning walk that day, one that he hadn\u2019t missed in over 40 years, and I decided to join him. Almost 4 km in, kind of tired, I suggested we take a break. We sat on a bench looking into a lush green garden, as I gathered the courage to have a conversation that I would naturally have had with my mother first, had she been alive.

I grew up in a close-knit South Indian household with little or almost no secrets.<\/blockquote>
\u201cAccha (dad in Malayalam), I need to tell you something,\u201d I said. \u201cLast week when I was visiting my gynaecologist, it wasn\u2019t just a routine check-up. I terminated a pregnancy,\u201d I added.\u00a0 Phew! Even as I write this today, I feel like a huge boulder of building blocks being lifted off my chest. A feeling I had carried for 10 whole days after the procedure, because I hadn\u2019t shared such an important decision of my life with my dad. To be honest I\u2019d anticipated a huge blow-back if I did, and consciously chose to share it with him only when I felt ready. However, I was writhing in guilt every minute.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I grew up in a close-knit South Indian household with little or almost no secrets. We were a filmy family full of emotionally overcharged people, who celebrated life as intensely as we fought with each other.\u00a0 As kids, my sister and I were encouraged to express ourselves thoroughly, and no matter how adverse the situation, sharing was an unsaid rule at home. If we had a problem, we\u2019d share it with either parent and during mealtimes or before the nine-pm TV show, resolutions would be made. Our convent schooling largely contributed to an open approach towards life, and I often felt like our parents learned to be liberal watching us grow up.

I didn’t really know what dad felt about abortion because I\u2019d never had a chance to discuss the issue.<\/blockquote>
But, Amma and Acha were also fiercely god-loving people, and presumably weren\u2019t pro-abortion. Actually, I didn’t really know what dad felt about it because I\u2019d never had a chance to discuss the issue. In this case, my husband and I took a practical call as we were anything but ready to take on the emotional and financial burden of a newborn in the middle of a pandemic. After speaking to our gynaecologist,\u00a0 who told us that we were well within the time frame where it would be safe for me, we took a call. Despite knowing my dad, a man who always supported my whimsical dreams and ideas, all too well, I assumed that he wouldn\u2019t get it. I created an entire scenario in my head where he\u2019d lecture me about how I\u2019d taken the wrong call, and how I\u2019d no right to defy nature etc etc.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But I was wrong. He took his time to react to my confession and after a few minutes of silence, he spoke. He told me about my mother\u2019s first pregnancy at the age of 18, and how she\u2019d miscarried, as her body and mind weren\u2019t ready to bear a child. She was married off too early at 17 and was forced into adulthood, like so many girls in our country. \u201cIt took me a while to understand how she felt, and what she was going through. But today I know,\u201d he said, staring into the sun, still not meeting my eye. \u201cDo what you\u2019re comfortable with and ready for. What\u2019s important is that you both should be happy,\u201d he added.

As girls, we\u2019d always run to Amma when we had to discuss our bodies and feelings. But today, here I was, sharing my most intimate moment with my father.<\/blockquote>
I was taken aback, crushed and overwhelmed by this unexpected act of kindness, even if it came from the man I knew so well. Tears wouldn\u2019t stop. I\u2019d underestimated him so severely. In that moment I transformed into his little girl and felt more protected than I\u2019d ever felt since I moved out of home. As girls, we\u2019d always run to Amma when we had to discuss our bodies and feelings. Be it my first period, the first time I was kissed, the first time I felt violated by a man, it was all for Amma\u2019s ears. Dad was never part of those conversations. As most fathers did, he usually maintained some distance when it came to girl talk. But today, after so many years of knowing him, here I was, sharing my most intimate moment with my father. Here I was telling him how I was just not ready to become a mother and he was okay with it. He understood. He didn\u2019t guilt-trip me about how I\u2019m growing older or him wanting to be a grand-dad.
I was taken aback, crushed and overwhelmed by this unexpected act of kindness, even if it came from the man I knew so well.<\/blockquote>
And more importantly, I\u2019m thankful for a parent, who hasn\u2019t just been understanding, but empathetic during this pandemic. In the last two years, I\u2019ve crawled back to dad\u2019s home, more times than I have in the last eight years of living independently. I needed that energy, that love, that comfort, that assurance that it\u2019ll all be okay. Only, a parent who has seen so much more life than you can be so calm in the face of such grave adversity. I needed that calm, that unwitting faith that Dad carries with him like an invisible cloak 24\/7. \u201cYou have a roof, you have food, you have health. Nothing else matters right now,\u201d he\u2019d say when I\u2019d often call him complaining about projects falling through at work. And I\u2019m sure so many of us who have been feeling like our lives are falling apart of late have found support in our families.
In the last two years, I\u2019ve crawled back to dad\u2019s home, more times than I have in the last eight years of living independently. I needed that energy, that love, that comfort, that assurance that it\u2019ll all be okay.<\/blockquote>
During the pandemic I\u2019ve had friends move back into their parents\u2019 home, others travel with their folks after years, some reunite with estranged family members, and some others just spend days eating ghar ka khana<\/em>, so as to maintain a sense of sanity. For me, it has redefined my relationship with my father and taught me how not to underestimate a parent\u2019s capacity for empathy. We often lie to our family or hide things assuming they wouldn\u2019t understand. Of course, not everyone has a heart and mind as open as my Acha, but you\u2019re unlikely to find out if you don\u2019t share. I\u2019m happy and relieved that I did. Because it gave me the father I assumed I never had.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Disclaimer<\/em>: Any decisions regarding pregnancy or termination should only be taken after consulting a gynaecologist.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Motherhood is so often expected to come as a natural choice to women. Almost a year into the pandemic, I realised it is not for me. Here’s how I revealed my choice to my father. It only brought us closer.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":180,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[107],"tags":[1003,954,18,443,6494,1840,1772,1394,10388,471,1726],"class_list":["post-7492","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-pov","tag-children","tag-daughter","tag-family","tag-father","tag-indian-family","tag-modern-family","tag-mother","tag-motherhood","tag-pandemic","tag-parenting","tag-parents"],"yoast_head":"\nHow choosing not to be a mother brought me closer to my father<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Motherhood is so often expected to come as a natural choice to women. Almost a year into the pandemic, I realised it is not for me. Here's how I revealed my choice to my father. It only brought us closer.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=7492\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How choosing not to be a mother brought me closer to my father\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Motherhood is so often expected to come as a natural choice to women. Almost a year into the pandemic, I realised it is not for me. Here's how I revealed my choice to my father. It only brought us closer.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=7492\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Arr\u00e9\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2016-07-18T12:23:43+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Divya Unny\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:title\" content=\"How choosing not to be a mother brought me closer to my father\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:description\" content=\"Motherhood is so often expected to come as a natural choice to women. Almost a year into the pandemic, I realised it is not for me. Here's how I revealed my choice to my father. It only brought us closer.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Divya Unny\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"6 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.207.105.184\\\/?p=7492#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.207.105.184\\\/?p=7492\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Divya Unny\",\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.207.105.184\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/0d08ebdd20042c576cfb56054335b28b\"},\"headline\":\"How choosing not to be a mother brought me closer to my father\",\"datePublished\":\"2016-07-18T12:23:43+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.207.105.184\\\/?p=7492\"},\"wordCount\":1299,\"keywords\":[\"Children\",\"Daughter\",\"family\",\"father\",\"Indian family\",\"Modern Family\",\"Mother\",\"Motherhood\",\"pandemic\",\"parenting\",\"Parents\"],\"articleSection\":[\"POV\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.207.105.184\\\/?p=7492\",\"url\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.207.105.184\\\/?p=7492\",\"name\":\"How choosing not to be a mother brought me closer to my father\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.207.105.184\\\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2016-07-18T12:23:43+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.207.105.184\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/0d08ebdd20042c576cfb56054335b28b\"},\"description\":\"Motherhood is so often expected to come as a natural choice to women. Almost a year into the pandemic, I realised it is not for me. Here's how I revealed my choice to my father. It only brought us closer.\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.207.105.184\\\/?p=7492#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"http:\\\/\\\/13.207.105.184\\\/?p=7492\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.207.105.184\\\/?p=7492#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.207.105.184\\\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"How choosing not to be a mother brought me closer to my father\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.207.105.184\\\/#website\",\"url\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.207.105.184\\\/\",\"name\":\"Arr\u00e9\",\"description\":\"In every person lies a creator and in every creator, an enterprise.\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.207.105.184\\\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":{\"@type\":\"PropertyValueSpecification\",\"valueRequired\":true,\"valueName\":\"search_term_string\"}}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.207.105.184\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/0d08ebdd20042c576cfb56054335b28b\",\"name\":\"Divya Unny\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/secure.gravatar.com\\\/avatar\\\/a40c2cbde2773955712e9b206ef431ab39573377513ed4752bd45d2964be947f?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/secure.gravatar.com\\\/avatar\\\/a40c2cbde2773955712e9b206ef431ab39573377513ed4752bd45d2964be947f?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/secure.gravatar.com\\\/avatar\\\/a40c2cbde2773955712e9b206ef431ab39573377513ed4752bd45d2964be947f?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"Divya Unny\"},\"url\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.207.105.184\\\/?author=180\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"How choosing not to be a mother brought me closer to my father","description":"Motherhood is so often expected to come as a natural choice to women. Almost a year into the pandemic, I realised it is not for me. Here's how I revealed my choice to my father. It only brought us closer.","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=7492","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"How choosing not to be a mother brought me closer to my father","og_description":"Motherhood is so often expected to come as a natural choice to women. Almost a year into the pandemic, I realised it is not for me. Here's how I revealed my choice to my father. It only brought us closer.","og_url":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=7492","og_site_name":"Arr\u00e9","article_published_time":"2016-07-18T12:23:43+00:00","author":"Divya Unny","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_title":"How choosing not to be a mother brought me closer to my father","twitter_description":"Motherhood is so often expected to come as a natural choice to women. Almost a year into the pandemic, I realised it is not for me. Here's how I revealed my choice to my father. It only brought us closer.","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Divya Unny","Est. reading time":"6 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"Article","@id":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=7492#article","isPartOf":{"@id":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=7492"},"author":{"name":"Divya Unny","@id":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/#\/schema\/person\/0d08ebdd20042c576cfb56054335b28b"},"headline":"How choosing not to be a mother brought me closer to my father","datePublished":"2016-07-18T12:23:43+00:00","mainEntityOfPage":{"@id":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=7492"},"wordCount":1299,"keywords":["Children","Daughter","family","father","Indian family","Modern Family","Mother","Motherhood","pandemic","parenting","Parents"],"articleSection":["POV"],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=7492","url":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=7492","name":"How choosing not to be a mother brought me closer to my father","isPartOf":{"@id":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/#website"},"datePublished":"2016-07-18T12:23:43+00:00","author":{"@id":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/#\/schema\/person\/0d08ebdd20042c576cfb56054335b28b"},"description":"Motherhood is so often expected to come as a natural choice to women. Almost a year into the pandemic, I realised it is not for me. Here's how I revealed my choice to my father. It only brought us closer.","breadcrumb":{"@id":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=7492#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=7492"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=7492#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"How choosing not to be a mother brought me closer to my father"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/#website","url":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/","name":"Arr\u00e9","description":"In every person lies a creator and in every creator, an enterprise.","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/#\/schema\/person\/0d08ebdd20042c576cfb56054335b28b","name":"Divya Unny","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/a40c2cbde2773955712e9b206ef431ab39573377513ed4752bd45d2964be947f?s=96&d=mm&r=g","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/a40c2cbde2773955712e9b206ef431ab39573377513ed4752bd45d2964be947f?s=96&d=mm&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/a40c2cbde2773955712e9b206ef431ab39573377513ed4752bd45d2964be947f?s=96&d=mm&r=g","caption":"Divya Unny"},"url":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?author=180"}]}},"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7492","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/180"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=7492"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7492\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=7492"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=7492"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=7492"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}