{"id":7155,"date":"2016-06-04T16:35:58","date_gmt":"2016-06-04T11:05:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=7155"},"modified":"2016-06-04T16:35:58","modified_gmt":"2016-06-04T11:05:58","slug":"the-difficulty-of-dating-married-men-as-a-single-gay-man","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=7155","title":{"rendered":"Pati, Patni, Aur Main: The Difficulty of Dating Married Men as a Single Gay Man"},"content":{"rendered":"\n\u201cW<\/span>e can meet today after office and see how things go,\u201d V said over the phone. I was scared yet excited. This was back in 2011 and my first date with a man. V was married, I was confused. This was my orientation into same-sex relationships and V was eager to be my guide. We had liked each other\u2019s profiles \u2013 images were exchanged over Planet Romeo, a social network for queer people<\/a>, and were chatting for more than a week. That he was married felt perfect back then, a surety that he would be discreet and restrained unlike the flamboyant and proud gay men I was wary of.\n\nThough I felt like a conspirator in this act of betraying his wife, I had few options. All the men I found desirable on gay dating sites were married and I was done vacillating. About to turn 30, I was not sure of my sexuality. Morality could wait.\n\nIt\u2019s been over a decade since I started dating men and most middle-aged ones come with the \u201cmarried\u201d tag. Many feel entitled and want \u201cthe best of both worlds\u201d; there are few who feel suffocated in heterosexual marriages<\/a> but have no courage to come out. What\u2019s common among them, however, is the belief that dating men is not equal to cheating their wives. \u201cAt least I am not dating a woman,\u201d is a regular refrain. Some have laid down rules of their own to escape guilt. R, for instance, didn\u2019t let me touch his organ. I could have his rear end but the symbol of manhood was reserved for the wife.\n\nStarting out, I found dating married men to be more convenient. They were more discreet and hence less likely to indulge in robbery or blackmailing, something I had heard was common in the gay world. They seemed to like me more \u2013 a man confused about his sexuality<\/a>; somebody who was apprehensive just like them. I too started believing that there was nothing wrong in what these men in committed marriages were doing. \u201cPeople find love in all kinds of situations. Maybe I become a reason that unshackles him from a meaningless, dreary family life,\u201d I would humour myself.\n\n

All the men I found desirable on gay dating sites were married and I was done vacillating.<\/p><\/blockquote> \n\nIt took me a long time to realise, however, that a relationship built on deception is not what I was looking for. Married men are less likely to engage emotionally<\/a>. Some would bombard me with Whatsapp forwards on deep love and friendship but wouldn\u2019t agree to go for a short walk or hold hands in public, trying to wrap everything up in the room. They feared being seen with a man would challenge their stable family life or simply lacked bandwidth for any kind of emotional indulgence. It\u2019s the reason married gay men prefer sexual partners with similar commitments. \u201cIt\u2019s easier being with people like us. They know what it takes to be married and having responsibilities. We can be just friends and leave it at that,\u201d V said once.\n\nAt first, it didn\u2019t matter whom I dated. All I wanted was to be with a man, explore my sexuality. But with time, I craved for more than just the physical intimacy. Dating married felt like a power struggle; I\u2019d feel helpless as they controlled how and when we date. There was always a limited time window; they always had to rush back to families. \u201cWhat will I say at home,\u201d would be a common response when I suggested they wait a little longer. A night out or a quick getaway was out of the question. The only person who spent a night with me was someone whose wife was visiting her parents. These unequal relationships were frustrating and instead of giving me the courage to come out, they pushed me into a shell.\n\nI started meeting prospective matches through matrimonial websites. \u201cYou are always the dominant one in bed and don\u2019t have feminine gestures. There should be no problem managing your marriage,\u201d one of the men I dated told me. But was I not cheating a woman by convincing her to marry me? Could I live a life of pretence? My mind was full of questions. Some days I felt upbeat about marriage, on others it seemed like a punishment. I even said yes to a girl; our parents met, but I retracted in a few days. It wasn\u2019t because my conscience was shaken; I was just scared. Somehow I convinced myself that she was not the \u201cright\u201d one. That\u2019s what women married to gay men have to deal with<\/a> \u2013 they are often tricked into taking the plunge. And are blamed if the marriage doesn\u2019t work while the man\u2019s lack of passion is overlooked.\n\nI found myself trapped and devoured LGBTQ books and movies<\/a>, hoping it would help me transform. I desperately wished love would flood my life and lead me on to the right path.\n\n

But was I not cheating a woman by convincing her to marry me?<\/p><\/blockquote> \n\nLove didn\u2019t arrive but something shifted in me after I had a big crush on a publicly out book reviewer from Mumbai. I watched his videos about LGBTQ literature on loop and DM\u2019ed him on Twitter. We were soon video-calling each other. I had never experienced such passion before and even though our fling didn\u2019t last long, it brought me face-to-face with my deepest desires. It gave me a taste of what a fulfilling relationship should be like. It also made me realise that there were many single gay men available, I just needed to wait for the right one to come along. Soon, I deleted the matrimony profiles and came out to my friends and family. And I decided I\u2019d say no to married men.\n\nAfter over two years of abstaining, I met A after the lockdown. He came with a Covid negative report. We went into the woods around a lake, a long-time fantasy. But I remained steadfastly clothed, not wanting to give myself away.\n\n\u201cThere\u2019s an empty room in my office. Maybe we can go there,\u201d he suggested noticing my discomfort.\n\n\u201cMmm I would prefer we travel some place. Will you go out for a night with me?\u201d I asked.\n\n\u201cThat\u2019s not possible. I have a family,\u201d he said. I nodded silently, agitated once. It was like I was stuck in a loop.\n\n\u201cWe should meet again some time,\u201d he suggested while we drove back.\n\n\u201cNo,\u201d I said calmly.\n\nThis was the first time I had turned down a married man. I am hoping it won\u2019t be the last. I want to live my truth but not built on someone\u2019s lie.\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Social networks for homosexual people are filled with married men. Many want the \u201cbest of both the worlds\u201d, some feel suffocated in their marriages. What\u2019s common among them, however, is the belief that dating men is not equal to cheating on their wives.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":417,"featured_media":7156,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[170],"tags":[505,11142,11143,11144,818,11145],"class_list":["post-7155","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-gender","tag-dating","tag-dating-married-men","tag-gay-man","tag-heterosexual-marriages","tag-homosexuality-in-india","tag-secret-life"],"yoast_head":"\nPati, Patni, Aur Main: The Difficulty of Dating Married Men as a Single Gay Man<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Social networks for homosexual people are filled with married men. 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What\u2019s common among them, however, is the belief that dating men is not equal to cheating on their wives.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=7155\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Arr\u00e9\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2016-06-04T11:05:58+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/07\/1614672140.png\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1520\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"850\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/png\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Lightbug\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:title\" content=\"Pati, Patni, Aur Main: The Difficulty of Dating Married Men as a Single Gay Man\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:description\" content=\"Social networks for homosexual people are filled with married men. 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What\u2019s common among them, however, is the belief that dating men is not equal to cheating on their wives.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Lightbug\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"6 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.201.39.237\\\/?p=7155#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.201.39.237\\\/?p=7155\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Lightbug\",\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.201.39.237\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/30fd9d07dd1a01e4dcfd96d5d36b24b3\"},\"headline\":\"Pati, Patni, Aur Main: The Difficulty of Dating Married Men as a Single Gay Man\",\"datePublished\":\"2016-06-04T11:05:58+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.201.39.237\\\/?p=7155\"},\"wordCount\":1151,\"image\":{\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.201.39.237\\\/?p=7155#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.207.105.184\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2026\\\/07\\\/1614672140.png\",\"keywords\":[\"dating\",\"dating married men\",\"gay man\",\"heterosexual marriages\",\"Homosexuality in India\",\"secret life\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Gender\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.201.39.237\\\/?p=7155\",\"url\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.201.39.237\\\/?p=7155\",\"name\":\"Pati, Patni, Aur Main: The Difficulty of Dating Married Men as a Single Gay Man\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.201.39.237\\\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.201.39.237\\\/?p=7155#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.201.39.237\\\/?p=7155#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.207.105.184\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2026\\\/07\\\/1614672140.png\",\"datePublished\":\"2016-06-04T11:05:58+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.201.39.237\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/30fd9d07dd1a01e4dcfd96d5d36b24b3\"},\"description\":\"Social networks for homosexual people are filled with married men. 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