{"id":5779,"date":"2016-04-16T21:15:55","date_gmt":"2016-04-16T15:45:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=5779"},"modified":"2016-04-16T21:15:55","modified_gmt":"2016-04-16T15:45:55","slug":"im-not-nirbhaya-or-shakti-im-just-scared","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=5779","title":{"rendered":"I\u2019m Not Nirbhaya. Or Shakti. I\u2019m Just Scared"},"content":{"rendered":"\nH<\/span>ello. I\u2019m an average Indian girl. I\u2019m not <\/span>Nirbhaya<\/span><\/a>. I am, in fact, the opposite of that. I am scared. I\u2019m so scared to walk down a deserted gully that no matter the time, I sing out loud like a crazy person hoping it might alarm potential attackers.\n\nI was walking back home one evening thinking it\u2019s the health-conscious thing to do. And I could sense a couple men following me. I could feel their eyes on my back, but was too afraid to turn around. I was wearing a kurta and jeans if anyone\u2019s wondering, it was 8.30 pm. (<\/span>Saatchy aat gharaat<\/span><\/a> or max <\/span>home by 8 pm<\/span><\/a>, right?).\n\nI\u2019d met my <\/span>boyfriend<\/span><\/a> and I kept thinking that these men had probably seen me hugging him, giving him a peck on his cheek. Was it my fault that I behaved so \u201coutrageously\u201d in public? I increased my pace but that only heightened my already spiked heart rate. I stopped and pretended to tie my shoelaces (without bending over, so it doesn\u2019t seem like I\u2019m inviting them) and they stopped too. Maybe I was over-analysing things, but I ran. I ran all the way home. I didn\u2019t tell anyone because, well, what could anyone do? But I decided not to let this affect my penchant for PDA. My own little form of protest. Hah. I squashed my own rebellion and found something to distract me. A movie, a \u201cchick flick\u201d.\n\nPerhaps this is the reason I dig romantic-comedies. It\u2019s an easy escape. Because the probability of my life (like that of every other woman\u2019s) pivoting into a <\/span>horror story<\/span><\/a> in a moment is immense.\n\nWomen trade horrid stories like WWE cards \u2013 if you\u2019re a woman, you know. \u201cMy friend was almost abducted outside a movie theatre at night in Delhi.\u201d \u201cI\u2019ve been petrified since I was 15 because I was crossing the road at noon and in broad daylight a stranger came and grabbed my <\/span>breasts<\/span><\/a>.\u201d \u201cWhen I was on the bus, the man sitting next to me unzipped his pants and flashed me.\u201d Being afraid then is like a survival instinct for us. I say survival because there could be a life-altering (nay, ending) twist at every step of our life.\n\n

Being afraid then is like a survival instinct for us. I say survival because there could be a life-altering (nay, ending) twist at every step of our life.<\/p><\/blockquote> \n\nI could be with family, and some distant <\/span>uncle<\/span><\/a> could try to cop a feel. I could be with friends and then he could take me to a party with other friends. Those other unnamed male \u201cfriends\u201d could gang up on me. Or I could be walking toward my parked scooter. I\u2019m sorry. I know it\u2019s too soon. But for me, it\u2019s also too much. Way, way too much.\n\nMy mother has always detailed out possible scenarios for whenever I\u2019m travelling late at night in the hope that if nothing sneaks up on me, I\u2019m prepared. Some she conjures up in her mind, some that she has <\/span>nightmares<\/span><\/a> of, some she reads about in the papers: What if the cabbie takes a turn in a dark alley and stops the car? What if you\u2019re rickshaw breaks down on the highway and some miscreants show up? What if someone punctures the tyres of your scooter? My ma has been doing this since I turned 16, 15 years ago.\n\nShe makes up these monstrous sequences so I can be ready for anything and have a sliver of a chance of getting away. I carry a cutter in my purse. I constantly think of stuff I have that could be used as weapons such as the handle of my bag or the cord of my phone charger with which I could strangle an assailant if need be. I could as my <\/span>mother<\/span><\/a> tells me, use anything to debilitate the attacker and in that fraction of a moment, run away.\n\nAll this thinking and <\/span>overthinking<\/span><\/a> is sapping. And I do all of this with the knowledge that there is no guarantee of a heroic escape. If I don\u2019t escape, (even as I write this, my heart drops down to my gut.) I need to be complicit. Distract the attacker if possible, shout for help, try to run again. Press 100 on my phone. In case of no help or no hope, comply. In the feeble hope that my attacker doesn\u2019t kill me.\n\nAll of this would be perfectly at home in a horror thriller. But my life doesn\u2019t have the morbid, gray tone of a horror film, nor the spine-chilling, foreboding soundtrack. Instead, it\u2019s a slice-of-life tune set to a technicolour visual. It is interspersed with the sassy, vibrant chorus of \u201cRun the world!\u201d\n\n

The fact that rape is one of the most common crimes in our country assures me that we don\u2019t, in fact, run this mother.<\/p><\/blockquote> \n\nThe fact that rape is one of the most common crimes in our country assures me that we don\u2019t, in fact, run this mother. This makes the scare trickier to spot. And that\u2019s why all women are always cautious. I doubt there\u2019s a woman who hasn\u2019t felt a bad touch \u2013 by an uncle, the old man on the bus, the senior at an <\/span>office party<\/span><\/a>, the juvenile at the street corner. So no matter how much we scream about girl power, I feel, somehow it doesn\u2019t stop our hearts from racing when we enter a crowded space \u2013 that\u2019s where we wear our big girl faces that spell \u201cDon\u2019t mess with me\u201d. If you think resting-bitch-face is not an evolutionary change, you\u2019re wrong.\n\nBut the truth is that women aren\u2019t born brave. Yet they have no choice but to grow up to be brave \u2013 to side-step the mine of dangers we face every day. Imagine the <\/span>anxiety<\/span><\/a> of a drafted soldier who is untrained and behind enemy lines. Now multiply that with (almost) 50 per cent of the world\u2019s population.\n\nEvery woman has her own way to deal with this constant angst. Personally, I use escapism. I avoid newspapers because I need to calm my nerves. I don\u2019t want to start my day with \u201cPoliceman Rapes Woman After Offering Lift in Odisha\u201d or \u201c16-Year-Old <\/span>Gang-Raped<\/span><\/a> in Chattisgarh\u201d. Because every rape is gruesome and horrific, no matter which page of the newspaper it is printed on. If we\u2019re boarding a crowded train or walking on a street teeming with people, we\u2019re told to hold the bag in front of the body, so that breasts are out of reach. But then we leave the bottoms unguarded. We know it\u2019s only a matter of time before somebody pinches it. Or before next assault \u201cshakes the nation\u201d.\n\nWomen who have been abused and survived are dubbed brave and strong. Still (knowing our society), I shudder to think of the treatment these survivors receive. And victims who have died have to forego their own names and surnames to become \u201c<\/span>India\u2019s daughters<\/span><\/a>\u201d. Publicly, they become symbols. Privately, within the living rooms of our homes, they become examples.\n\nThey are called Nirbhaya. They are called Shakti. But I\u2019m not Nirbhaya (I don\u2019t think she was either). I\u2019m just a girl who keeps predicting terrifying ends of her life at every corner. I\u2019m afraid. Just like you.\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Each time I find myself on a deserted road, my mind goes into overdrive. I think of objects I have that could be used as weapons such as the handle of my bag or the cord of my phone charger with which I could strangle a potential assailant. But that\u2019s not just me. That\u2019s every woman in India.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":380,"featured_media":5780,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[170],"tags":[6576,9713,9714,9715,1615],"class_list":["post-5779","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-gender","tag-assault","tag-crime-against-women","tag-nirbhaya-rape-case","tag-priyanka-reddy","tag-rape"],"yoast_head":"\nI\u2019m Not Nirbhaya. Or Shakti. I\u2019m Just Scared<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Each time I find myself on a deserted road, my mind goes into overdrive. 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