{"id":5574,"date":"2016-07-17T03:00:03","date_gmt":"2016-07-16T21:30:03","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=5574"},"modified":"2016-07-17T03:00:03","modified_gmt":"2016-07-16T21:30:03","slug":"how-to-identify-gaslighters-and-fight-the-manipulation","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=5574","title":{"rendered":"\u201cIt\u2019s Not Me, It\u2019s You\u201d: How to Identify Gaslighters and Fight the Manipulation"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

W<\/span><\/p><\/div>

\nhen I think about it now, almost five years later, it still makes me incredulous: I stayed with the ex who rammed my head against the wall and held a knife to my throat for over a 100 days after that violent <\/span>night<\/span><\/a>. Each day, my grasp on reality became a little more tenuous, my sense of truth became a little more brittle.\u00a0<\/span>\n\nFirst, he changed my perception of <\/span>why <\/span><\/i>it happened. As if the why was even important. As if there existed some mysterious set of circumstances under which having your partner push you into a wall, head first, with such <\/span>violent anger<\/span><\/a>, causing such searing pain that you wonder if your skull has been cracked open by the blunt force, is not exactly as horrific as it sounds. Like there was some complicated relationship math that let him off the hook for the appalling choices he made that night. But he managed to convince me that it mattered. You can\u2019t pronounce someone guilty without background, he whined. Without context, there can be no conclusion.<\/span>\n\nSounds fair, I remember thinking. <\/span>Fair<\/span><\/i>. We were striving for fairness while I convulsed uncontrollably in shock and fear? I guess we were.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>\n\nHis \u201cfriend\u201d sent him photos in a bikini; we got into an argument, I threw a hairbrush on the bed in anger, it bounced off the mattress and hit him. No, he insisted stoutly. I threw it at him. Threw. It. At. Him. It hurt his eye. His. Eye. He had this way of talking when he was angry. Grinding out each word like they\u2019re being wrenched out of his mouth with brute force. It was sometimes comical but mostly terrifying. The hairbrush had bounced off the mattress and travelled several feet against gravity and <\/span>hit<\/span><\/i> his eye. <\/span><\/i>I really ought to have been training for the Olympics, with such impressive upper body strength. He was scared I\u2019d do more. He was only restraining me. To protect himself, you see. Naturally, the only reasonable course of action available to him was to run into the <\/span>kitchen<\/span><\/a>, grab a carving knife, and press it against my jugular. By the end of month one, I was weeping and apologising, promising him it would never happen again. That I\u2019d never again get aggressive. Begging him to give us another shot.\u00a0<\/span>\n\nWhat made me leave? The absolute, unmistakable, and insurmountable terror that ripped through my insides when he proposed. Run, my subconscious told me. And so I ran, and didn\u2019t stop until I had put 1,300 kilometres between us. Ok, fine, I took a plane, but running is more poetic.\u00a0<\/span>\n\nHalf a decade later, the bleakest part of the memory is not the actual abuse itself, but his very deliberate attempts to erase my reality and overwrite it with his own bleached, self-serving one. And how scarily close he came to obliterating the memory of my experience. Physical aches eventually recede, but there\u2019s no way to completely shake off the bewilderment of <\/span>denial<\/span><\/a>.\u00a0<\/span>\n\n

The bleakest part of the memory is not the actual abuse itself, but his very deliberate attempts to erase my reality and overwrite it with his own bleached, self-serving one.<\/p><\/blockquote> \n\nIt would take a couple of years before I\u2019d learn the word for the miasma of confusion and self-doubt that clouded my brain for so long after the incident. Gaslighting \u2013 a form of psychological torture, where you are manipulated to doubt yourself and your sanity. And several more before it would become part of our collective vocabulary to understand and explain the very particular type of psychological abuse that so many women \u2014 but not only women \u2014 undergo in their interactions with men \u2014 but not only men. Much of the credit goes to the <\/span>#MeToo <\/span><\/a>movement. Two years on, an appalling number of the accused seem to be in different stages of carefully orchestrated comebacks; but if nothing else, the movement has made women acutely aware of just how many of us were engaged in the exact same kind of silent emotional warfare, methodically being manipulated out of our truths.\u00a0<\/span>\n\nPersonally, #MeToo made me revisit, re-examine and re-engage with many ghosts from my past. The countless dates who had cajolingly tried to renegotiate a no. The boyfriend who acted first, asked later, and apologised only grudgingly for treating my body like his personal plaything. The <\/span>friend<\/span><\/a> who was forever misreading signs and feeling sincerely remorseful after. The avuncular \u201cmentor\u201d whose hand often wandered south while dancing at office parties.\u00a0<\/span>\n\nThere\u2019s one thing that all these prized specimens of the human adult male have in common \u2014 the tidal wave of shocked disbelief that swells in their chests on being confronted. And the chorus they all seem to have learned at some secret predator school. \u201cYou\u2019re being too <\/span>sensitive<\/span><\/a>\u201d; or, better still: \u201cYou\u2019re reading too much into it\u201d; or, the most oily in this particular line of bullshit: \u201cI\u2019m sorry you feel that way.\u201d Not to be confused with \u201cI\u2019m sorry I made you feel this way\u201d. It\u2019s funny how tacking on a few extra words to a sentence can make a world of difference to the listener, perhaps even set them free.\u00a0<\/span>\n\nIt took me three decades to truly absorb and put into practise this lesson: I\u2019m no longer available for discussions with perpetually <\/span>misunderstood<\/span><\/a> men who are more concerned with challenging the basic premise of what transpired, than listening \u2014 truly listening, not the pretend kind where you\u2019re actually only waiting impatiently for the other person\u2019s mouth to stop moving so yours can start \u2014 to how it made me feel. There was a time I\u2019d walk away feeling confused, foolish, and chastised. On occasion, I\u2019ve even been grateful that the man in question was being such a good sport about the embarrassing \u201cmisunderstanding\u201d. Not anymore. I\u2019m not too sensitive, or reading too much into harmless banter. No, I\u2019m not too uptight, or too anything, for that matter. And I\u2019d love to see you try me convincing otherwise.\u00a0<\/span>\n\nI\u2019ve had perplexed (mostly male) friends criticise this refusal to engage with varying degrees of tartness, annoyed by the thought of a woman who won\u2019t allow for the possibility of ever being mistaken. You have to marvel at their obtuseness. Have these people not been listening at all? Do they really think the average <\/span>woman<\/span><\/a> hasn\u2019t already twirled and teased her memory within an inch of its life to give the men around her every benefit of doubt she can rustle up? Not all of us can master the winged eyeliner in our lifetimes, but we\u2019re all champions at the art of creating a wiggle room where there is none.\u00a0<\/span>\n\nMeToo India turned one this month. So many of us turned one with it. The first year we allowed our narratives to trump those of the men around us. The first year we weren\u2019t available to professional gaslighters. It\u2019s a birthday worth celebrating. Happy birthday, ladies. <\/span>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

There was a time I\u2019d walk away from an altercation feeling confused, foolish, and chastised. On occasion, I\u2019ve even been grateful that the man in question was being such a good sport about the embarrassing \u201cmisunderstanding\u201d. Not anymore. I refuse to be gaslighted.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":306,"featured_media":5575,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[170],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5574","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-gender"],"yoast_head":"\n\u201cIt\u2019s Not Me, It\u2019s You\u201d: How to Identify Gaslighters and Fight the Manipulation<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"There was a time I\u2019d walk away from an altercation feeling confused, foolish, and chastised. 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I refuse to be gaslighted.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Sonali Kokra\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"6 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.201.39.237\\\/?p=5574#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.201.39.237\\\/?p=5574\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Sonali Kokra\",\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.201.39.237\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/467643c35de7aba9f94af624e4a1cc7c\"},\"headline\":\"\u201cIt\u2019s Not Me, It\u2019s You\u201d: How to Identify Gaslighters and Fight the Manipulation\",\"datePublished\":\"2016-07-16T21:30:03+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.201.39.237\\\/?p=5574\"},\"wordCount\":1190,\"image\":{\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.201.39.237\\\/?p=5574#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.207.105.184\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2026\\\/07\\\/1571303213.png\",\"articleSection\":[\"Gender\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.201.39.237\\\/?p=5574\",\"url\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.201.39.237\\\/?p=5574\",\"name\":\"\u201cIt\u2019s Not Me, It\u2019s You\u201d: How to Identify Gaslighters and Fight the Manipulation\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.201.39.237\\\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.201.39.237\\\/?p=5574#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.201.39.237\\\/?p=5574#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.207.105.184\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2026\\\/07\\\/1571303213.png\",\"datePublished\":\"2016-07-16T21:30:03+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/13.201.39.237\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/467643c35de7aba9f94af624e4a1cc7c\"},\"description\":\"There was a time I\u2019d walk away from an altercation feeling confused, foolish, and chastised. 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