{"id":5299,"date":"2016-05-11T07:32:06","date_gmt":"2016-05-11T02:02:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=5299"},"modified":"2016-05-11T07:32:06","modified_gmt":"2016-05-11T02:02:06","slug":"is-it-alright-to-give-away-your-dead-parents-belongings-memories","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=5299","title":{"rendered":"Mama\u2019s Shawl, Papa\u2019s Wallet\u2026 Is It Alright to Give Away Your Dead Parents\u2019 Belongings?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

T<\/span><\/p><\/div>

here are two deceptively heavy <\/span>suitcases<\/span><\/a> stored away in my home, full of old, yellowed, handwritten letters. There is something so intimate about the time when people wrote to each other. For my siblings and I, these letters have an even greater value \u2014 they are one of the few remaining physical objects in our possession that once belonged to our dead mother and father. Some they had written to each other, and others were written to them. When we first found them, we read a few, and then realised that we might have been encroaching upon their privacy, so we let them be as is. One thing we have never done, is consider discarding these intensely personal reminders of the people who brought us into this world.<\/span>\n\nNicole Krauss, in her heartbreakingly beautiful book, <\/span>History of Love,<\/span><\/i> writes, \u201cAll the times I have suddenly realised that my <\/span>parents<\/span><\/a> are dead, even now, it still surprises me, to exist in the world while that which made me has ceased to exist.\u201d The same thought has crossed my mind several times since my father passed on nearly two years ago. My mother had died five years earlier.<\/span>\n\nIt really is an odd feeling when you think about it, but it rarely interrupts your daily schedule. Wake up, check. Drink <\/span>coffee<\/span><\/a>, check. Walk the dogs, check. Think about dead parents… What? No. And yet it\u2019s a reality that defines my constant state of being, that forces me to acknowledge its presence every time we decide to clear out a little bit more of my parents\u2019 cupboards and trunks.<\/span>\n\nIt\u2019s almost as if we are physically unable to give away anything that once belonged to our parents. My mother\u2019s cupboard remains untouched, baring the rearrangement of a few of her <\/span>sarees<\/span><\/a> that we continue to wear. Everything else is exactly how she left it seven years ago when she went to the <\/span>hospital<\/span><\/a>. That cupboard holds within its doors our childhood. It is an ocean that has given immeasurably \u2014 important documents, alta for dance performances, laces for an art project, all neatly put in place by my mother. And yet we have given away her sarees, her shawls, her knitting kit, and design magazines to her sisters or relatives who asked for them, because we knew these would be cherished wherever they went. And that memories of her were not just ours to keep.<\/span>\n\n

What is it about physical objects that make us associate people\u2019s memories with them long after they are gone?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\nWhat is it about physical objects that make us associate people\u2019s <\/span>memories<\/span><\/a> with them long after they are gone? Why do we insist that the belongings be treasured, wherever they end up? I don\u2019t just mean statement pieces that require maintenance; it\u2019s also everyday things like a spectacle case that my father used, a harmonica that he played, or diaries with nothing but mindless doodles on the pages. What do we do with them? None of us know how to play the harmonica and yet we can\u2019t seem to part with it.<\/span>\n\nSo much about what we hear or read about <\/span>death<\/span><\/a> is a clich\u00e9, and so much isn\u2019t. Yes, our loved ones live on in us and in our memories, but they also live on in the little and not-so-little things they leave behind. There is another quote from <\/span>History of Love <\/span><\/i>that comes to mind. \u201cAt the end, all that\u2019s left of you are your possessions. Perhaps that\u2019s why I\u2019ve never been able to throw anything away. Perhaps that\u2019s why I hoarded the world: with the hope that when I died, the sum total of my things would suggest a life larger than the one I lived.\u201d Is this why people hoard? One can never know.<\/span>\n\nMy parents were compulsive <\/span>hoarders<\/span><\/a>, and discarding the things that belonged to them has been a wrestling match between sentimentality and practicality. The first few years after my mother died, sentimentality kept winning all the points. Later, Team Practicality started throwing some serious punches, so in a way, we were better prepared to deal with my father\u2019s stuff, who was the greater hoarder between the two. And yet,\u00a0<\/span>years after their death, there still pops up an old, tattered wallet with grocery lists written in their handwriting, and you find yourself back to rooting for Team Sentimentality again.<\/span>\n\nCleaning out my parents\u2019 cupboards has taught me a lesson in <\/span>minimalism<\/span><\/a> better than <\/span>Marie Kondo<\/span><\/a> ever could. I definitely inherited the hoarder gene from my parents, but ever since I have had to debate keeping or giving away a dry fruit tray that my mother bought, I have become extremely aware of the things that I own, and which, someday will land in another person\u2019s safekeeping, who may or may not know what to do with them. The thought itself is scary, but I have made a decision that my life will not be strung together by my belongings \u2014 not by a solitary mother of pearl button that I found lying on the school playground the first time I did not flunk a math test, and definitely not by my favourite pen at my first <\/span>workplace<\/span><\/a> that doesn\u2019t even work now!<\/span>\n\n

Discarding your parents’ possessions, too, is a step in grieving them.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\nWith experience, we now follow a few basic rules when it comes to our parents\u2019 stuff. If it is in good condition, give it away. If not, <\/span>recycle<\/span><\/a> it. If it\u2019s something you\u2019d want to pass on to the next generation, put it away and label it. Discarding their possessions, too, is a step in grieving them. You realise that you breathe just fine after giving away your mother\u2019s wristwatch or your father\u2019s favourite sweater.<\/span>\n\nAnd when it comes to the things you just can\u2019t throw out, make them a part of your own life. Which is why I\u2019m contemplating taking up the harmonica.<\/span>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Our loved ones live on in us and in our memories, but they also live on in the little and not-so-little things they leave behind. Discarding the things that belonged to my mother and father has been a wrestling match between sentimentality and practicality.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":340,"featured_media":5300,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[107],"tags":[9037,954,76,443,9038,9039,9040,1229,1772,9041,1726],"class_list":["post-5299","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-pov","tag-belongings","tag-daughter","tag-death","tag-father","tag-harmonica","tag-history-of-love","tag-hoarders","tag-memories","tag-mother","tag-nicole-krauss","tag-parents"],"yoast_head":"\nMama\u2019s Shawl, Papa\u2019s Wallet\u2026 Is It Alright to Give Away Your Dead Parents\u2019 Belongings?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Our loved ones live on in us and in our memories, but they also live on in the little and not-so-little things they leave behind. 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