{"id":5103,"date":"2016-04-26T16:17:43","date_gmt":"2016-04-26T10:47:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=5103"},"modified":"2016-04-26T16:17:43","modified_gmt":"2016-04-26T10:47:43","slug":"what-my-stuttering-taught-me-about-disabilities-and-arranged-marriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=5103","title":{"rendered":"What My Stuttering Taught Me About Disabilities and Arranged Marriage"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

G<\/span>etting your vision checked isn\u2019t usually accompanied by a prescription for <\/p>speech therapy<\/span><\/a> and a free counselling session. But looks like I was the chosen one. Last year, I was getting my eyes checked when the doctor noticed I stammer. Worried, like every other Indian who has no sense of boundaries, he doled out some free advice to my mother. He suggested that I consult a good speech therapist because \u201cBeti hai, shaadi karni hai aage jaa kar.\u201d Catching a glimpse of my perplexed expression, he added, \u201cDon\u2019t mind, but in India, even basic issues like stammering cause problems in finding a match.\u201d<\/span>\n\nI have never thought of my stammer as a disability or any sort of weakness. I grew up receiving the best of <\/span>education<\/span><\/a>, being surrounded by the most loving friends, and never being treated as \u201cdifferent\u201d by my parents. But ever since I entered the \u201cshaadi ki umar ho gaye hai\u201d phase, everyone around me has suddenly turned overtly concerned and sympathetic, making feel like I am \u201cnot normal\u201d.\u00a0<\/span>\n\nIt all started last year when an aunt\u2019s friend stumbled upon my Facebook profile and found me eligible for her son. I\u2019m not sure what caught her attention \u2014 my face or my work profile, but the woman was persistent. After some convincing, I agreed to chat with the guy; my number was forwarded to him. But I never heard from him. I thought he probably was a little reluctant to cold call a <\/span>stranger<\/span><\/a>. Or maybe I didn\u2019t match his expectations of what he wanted from his spouse. Whatever be the reason, I didn\u2019t think much of it at first.<\/span>\n\nBut it was only days later that I learnt that the boy and his <\/span>family<\/span><\/a>, refused to take the \u201crishta\u201d forward after they found out about my stuttering. Fortunately or not, my Facebook profile only has a decent-looking picture of me and an elaborate work profile; it makes no mention of a stammer. What left me unnerved was that without any communication with me, without knowing the magnitude of my stammer or how it affected my speech, I was deemed as someone not worth marrying. This was the first time someone had thought of my stutter as an imperfection.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>\n

I am often counselled on how to compensate for the stutter. Some say I should improve my cooking skills\u00a0to impress the parents of the prospect.<\/span><\/blockquote>\nThe doctor, as I now realise, was probably prophetic. <\/span>Arranged marriage<\/span><\/a> comes with its own set of prejudices. Even in today\u2019s India, women are the ones who are expected to be \u201cflawless\u201d and make comprises when it comes to marriage. This only becomes worse for women who are not what society perceives as \u201cperfect\u201d.\u00a0<\/span>\n\nOvernight, my stuttering was branded as a \u201c<\/span>disability<\/span><\/a>\u201d. The suggestions that come from relatives are mostly coated in pity, as I am reminded about my inarticulate speech. I am told time and again that I will have to compromise when choosing a partner. I will have to marry someone who is less qualified than me, otherwise, in the words of a maternal relative, \u201cthe guy will always have an upper hand over you\u201d.\u00a0<\/span>\n\nI am often counselled on how to compensate for the stutter. Some say I should improve my cooking skills<\/a> to impress the parents of the prospect. Others say that I should get better at household chores. Now I often ponder if\u00a0 people would notice my disinterest in cooking or my career <\/span>ambitions<\/span><\/a> if I had an impeccable speech.\u00a0<\/span>\n\nA romantic at heart, I\u2019ve grown up believing that the basic premise of a <\/span>marriage<\/span><\/a> should be love. But the arrange marriage ecosystem has rules of its own \u2013 you are screened by the suitor and his family, interrogated, often asked questions that lack insensitivity, and this can be demoralising. This has led me to wonder, that if not for a love marriage, will I have to die single? Or will have to settle for someone whom I am not attracted to? But I\u2019m not going to let this pressure to get the better off me.\u00a0<\/span>\n
A romantic at heart, I\u2019ve grown up believing that the basic premise of a marriage should be love.<\/blockquote>\nOn days that I get bogged down with the sudden attention that my stutter is receiving, I think of Laila from <\/span>Margarita With a Straw<\/span><\/i>. She has cerebral palsy, but like any other girl in her 20s, craves intimacy, discovers her bisexuality, falls in love, dates, watches porn and even <\/span>masturbates<\/span><\/a> on her wheelchair \u2014 all of that without a shred of self-pity. The movie is uplifting, and views Laila as just another one of us. And that\u2019s how I hope society views me and those like me.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>\n\nBecause sometimes life can be as rosy as the movies. A heart-warming story from Kolkata is proof that love can transcend shallow first impressions. Forty-eight-year-old Jeeja Ghosh, who was born with cerebral palsy and holds a double master\u2019s degree from the University of Delhi and the University of Leeds, was often reminded that marriage was not something that was made for her. In 2013, Ghosh married Bappaditya Nag, a completely able co-worker, was quoted as saying by the <\/span>Times of India<\/span><\/a>, \u201cI fell in love with her naughtiness, her humour. She is also my mental strength and support.\u201d<\/span>\n\nGhosh\u2019s love story gives me hope. Today, I wait patiently until I find someone who listens to me and is not distracted by my stutter, someone who eventually gets so used to the stammering that he doesn\u2019t even notice it. Or to put it in a more hopelessly <\/span>romantic<\/span><\/a> way, I will wait until I can say \u201cI love you K-K-Kiran\u201d… but just not in a creepy way. <\/span>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I grew up receiving the best of education, surrounded by the most loving friends and family and never being treated as \u201cdifferent\u201d because of my speech impediment. 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