{"id":4605,"date":"2016-06-18T13:58:00","date_gmt":"2016-06-18T08:28:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=4605"},"modified":"2016-06-18T13:58:00","modified_gmt":"2016-06-18T08:28:00","slug":"opposites-partner-choice-porn","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=4605","title":{"rendered":"Opposites Distract: What Happens When Your Partner and You Can\u2019t Agree on the Choice of Porn?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

I<\/span>t\u2019s a truth universally acknowledged that try as she might, a young woman can never quite forget her first pyaar. And her first <\/p>porn<\/span><\/a> film. Or, if we\u2019re being brutally honest, porn <\/span>clip<\/span><\/i>. Because I\u2019m yet to meet a woman who sat through more than a few seconds of the awkward negotiation of elbows and limbs that makes up the vast quantity of mediocre free porn available on the world wide web, before turning beet red and changing channels abruptly or closing the window hastily. The first time you watch porn is a lot like the first time you have sex \u2014 it\u2019s underwhelming and over so quickly, you wonder what the fuss was all about, anyway. <\/span>\n\nI still vividly remember my first tryst with audio-visual erotica. I was 13, and still guffawing at humour that basically boiled down to someone uttering Homo Erectus in science class or Ms Irani mispronouncing the name of the Pennine mountain ranges in geography. And I was averaging about one <\/span>Mills & Boon<\/span><\/i> a week, which obviously meant I was the leading authority on all things <\/span>sexual<\/span><\/a> in my class of 28 girls. <\/span>\n\nBut nothing could have prepared me for the 440 volts ka jhatka that my system received the night I first stumbled upon actual, motion picture porn. The year was 2000, and I had just finished reading <\/span>Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire<\/span><\/i>. My heart was in a million pieces after Cedric Diggory\u2019s sorrowful death. Unable to sleep, I sneaked out of bed and tiptoed to the <\/span>TV room<\/span><\/a>. And there it was, on channel number 32, in all its scandalous glory. An abnormally well-built naked man with a chef\u2019s hat and a questionably proportioned young woman in a torn waitress\u2019 uniform doing things that would definitely be a health code violation in any commercial kitchen. My eyes became the size of saucers as I saw the woman, with her rippling blond hair and breasts that pointed resolutely north, offering up an orifice that I had so far believed was only meant to eject stuff, not erm, admit into the body a male organ as big as a baby\u2019s arm. If I am very quiet and concentrate hard, I can still hear the clack-thwack-clack of his coin purse against her curple. Shudder. <\/span>\n\nI must have seen the \u201cblue film\u201d (that\u2019s what we called it back then) for less than a minute, but I felt a thousand years old as I clambered back in bed. Nothing seemed to look <\/span>right. <\/span><\/i>I had seen several penises by then \u2014 India has no dearth of dirty old men flashing their equipment at terrified young girls \u2014 but never one that looked like a baby cobra standing at attention.<\/span>\n\nThe shock waned, eventually, as is wont. In the two decades between then and now, I\u2019ve seen dozens of different porn films of varying lengths and types. There\u2019s been a lot of sex too, of course. Some good and some spectacular, but most of it the <\/span>mediocre<\/span><\/a> kind. But in my heart of hearts, I\u2019m still someone who wants her escape erotica to look like the M&B version from her teenage years. Gentle, loving, slow and sensuous, punctuated with long, lingering pauses filled with anticipation. Where the hero patiently waits, in case the heroine is unsure about taking things to the next step. Porn that looks like enthusiastic, consensual sex between two (or more) people; not a violent exchange of body fluids between bodies that look like plastic. Affirmative consent is so, so hot. <\/span>\n\nMy partner, unfortunately, belongs to the other end of the porno spectrum. He likes his porn to be brutal; the more depraved it is, the better he enjoys it. Ironically, he got to be that way because he\u2019s a big believer in monogamy \u2014 sex without emotion holds no appeal for him. Which is why he\u2019s spent many years of his life as voluntarily celibate. He\u2019d rather watch porn to relieve sexual tension than hook up with a stranger. And while I\u2019m overjoyed with his disinterest in casual sex as a partner, the flip side is that he\u2019s spent over two decades burrowing deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole that is <\/span>internet<\/span><\/a> porn. If you can imagine it, it exists. <\/span>\n\nHe\u2019s watched everything \u2014 from animal porn (although he assures me that was idle curiosity, not actual sexual interest) to double penetrations. From threesomes to gang bangs and orgies. From bondage to masochism. From porn organised on the basis of the female star\u2019s age\/race\/nationality\/colour of hair\/size of individual parts of her anatomy to that which is categorised according to the level of violence in the acts being performed on the women starring in it. From webcams to virtual reality, and everything in between. And all of it have one thing in common: absolute devotion to helping men achieve <\/span>orgasm<\/span><\/a>. To the point where women are treated less like people and more like props meant to facilitate male pleasure. Every time he describes the things he\u2019s seen, I feel the need to lie down. We couldn\u2019t have been more different if we\u2019d tried. <\/span>\n

My partner, unfortunately, belongs to the other end of the porno spectrum. He likes his porn to be brutal; the more depraved it is, the better he enjoys it.<\/blockquote>\nThere\u2019s enough research out there making compelling cases for both \u2014 how watching porn together can <\/span>positively impact<\/span><\/a> a relationship, as well as how it can <\/span>destroy a couple<\/span><\/a>. Regardless of what the research says, like most modern couples in long-term <\/span>relationships<\/span><\/a>, we\u2019ve watched porn together. When the sex starts becoming a little too routine, when we\u2019re separated by continents, and sometimes just because we\u2019re lazy, and it\u2019s easier than foreplay. <\/span>\n\nExcept, it\u2019s really not, when you\u2019re sulking at opposite ends of the continuum. <\/span>\n\nFar be it from me to judge anyone\u2019s search history on PornHub, but it\u2019s impossible to feign nonchalance when you\u2019re watching porn that makes your sexual plumbing collapse on itself and put out the \u201cpermanently closed for business\u201d sign. Especially when you <\/span>know <\/span><\/i>that your partner\u2019s fantasies involve you and him enacting what you\u2019re seeing on screen. It\u2019s incredibly difficult to not flinch when your feeble heart is watching a woman on her haunches, with a leash around her neck. And then there is that niggling doubt \u2014 how does a self-proclaimed <\/span>feminist<\/span><\/a> who otherwise shows every indication of respecting women <\/span>enjoy <\/span><\/i>their sexual debasement? I know it\u2019s supposed to be a harmless fantasy, but to me it seems a lot like legitimising cultural violence. <\/span>\n\nOur attempts to watch porn together have led to many <\/span>hilarious<\/span><\/a> moments \u2014 like the time we tried to mimic them, but ended up on the floor with a bump on his head and bruise on my butt because I kept starting and squirming at the goings on onscreen. Or the time we ended up having to replace a laptop ruined by a lubrication misadventure. <\/span>\n\nAnd we\u2019ve had some sullen fights. His prurient porn makes me feel faint, while my natural, sex-positive selections bore him to death. \u201cIt\u2019s just plain sex, what we already do,\u201d he\u2019s complained on more than one occasion. Thankfully, his biology betrays him; mine doesn\u2019t. <\/span>\n\nMost of the times we watch something he\u2019s picked out, I go to bed wearing a nightgown that would make a Victorian <\/span>grandmother<\/span><\/a> proud. It\u2019s not a power-play \u2014 I find the idea of withholding sex as some kind of \u201cpunishment\u201d abhorrent and unhealthy \u2014 but there\u2019s little that can be done if I\u2019m dry as a desert and even the sight of his boner won\u2019t do nothing to change that. But when we watch something I\u2019ve picked out, even if he finds it boring, vanilla and yawn-worthy, his schlong will spring to action within seconds of realising I\u2019m hot, bothered, and desperate for some action. <\/span>\n\nOver time, we\u2019ve made some compromises to accommodate each other\u2019s preferences. I\u2019ll watch his borderline <\/span>misogynist<\/span><\/a> selections, and he\u2019s grudgingly come to accept that the script of our hypothetical adult film will always read less like \u201cchoke me, daddy\u201d and more \u201cAsk me for my consent baby, ask me for my consent really hard.\u201d<\/span>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I\u2019m someone who wants her escape erotica to look like the Mills & Boons version from her teenage years. Gentle, loving, slow and sensuous. My partner, unfortunately, belongs to the other end of the porno spectrum. He likes his porn to be brutal; the more depraved it is, the better he enjoys it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":278,"featured_media":4606,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[15],"tags":[3468,850,3559,8167,8168,4279,224,8169,3970,853,408],"class_list":["post-4605","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-love-and-sex","tag-bdsm","tag-blue-film","tag-casual-sex","tag-emotion","tag-erection","tag-feelings","tag-love","tag-one-night-stand","tag-partner","tag-porn","tag-sex"],"yoast_head":"\nOpposites Distract: What Happens When Your Partner and You Can\u2019t Agree on the Choice of Porn?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I\u2019m someone who wants her escape erotica to look like the Mills & Boons version from her teenage years. Gentle, loving, slow and sensuous. 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