{"id":4255,"date":"2016-06-24T04:41:46","date_gmt":"2016-06-23T23:11:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=4255"},"modified":"2016-06-24T04:41:46","modified_gmt":"2016-06-23T23:11:46","slug":"what-lonely-planet-wont-tell-you-about-visiting-the-kumbh-mela","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=4255","title":{"rendered":"What Lonely Planet Won\u2019t Tell You About Visiting the Kumbh Mela"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

O<\/span><\/p><\/div>

nce you\u2019ve been smacked in the face hard enough to see Lord Ram himself, you\u2019ll know you\u2019ve entered the largest spiritual gathering in the world, the Kumbh Mela. It\u2019ll probably be around 4 am, because that\u2019s rush hour at the Hindu Magnetic Fields. It\u2019s also around 5 degrees Celsius because the festival has to be held in the winter, on the parts of the Ganga bed that have dried up. Don\u2019t worry though, the leftover water still has enough empty coconut shells and garlands for you to bathe in! <\/span>\n\nThe grand procession of sadhus making its way to the banks of the holy Ganges for one of the shahi snans is a once-in-a-lifetime experience \u2014 note that attending twice may lead to serious emotional distress. It\u2019s the greatest accidental spiritual experience you could have, if struggling against <\/span>fellow countrymen<\/span><\/a> and the occasional mouth-wide-open firang to get a breathtaking view of the back of one baba\u2019s head is your definition of spiritual.<\/span>\n\nBy the water, the babas flip their hair \u00e0 la <\/span>Ameesha Patel<\/span><\/a>, and the man behind you has now broken the world record for the number of times \u201cRadhe\u201d can be said in a sentence. It\u2019s now time for the piece de resistance, the moment everyone\u2019s travelled to Prayagraj for \u2014 taking off all your clothes and entering the freezing water of the Sangam, where the three holy rivers converge. Once you get over your fear of hypothermia and eventually take the dip, you may feel the urge to cleanse yourself of your sins by almost drowning yourself. While you\u2019re at it, look out for the hundreds of rabid swarming birds, who\u2019ve become a fixture at the Kumbh ever since some genius set up a bird food stall. <\/span>\n\nWhen you\u2019re done bathing, take a quick walk around the Sangam. It\u2019s a stunning landscape, not comparable to anything you see on the internet. There\u2019s almost a moment where you think to yourself, \u201cSunrise at Kumbh Mela is the most beautiful thing I\u2019ve ever seen.\u201d Then a kid kicks you in the shin because he assumed you were participating in his make-believe, violent game, and you end up ruining the start of your religious awakening by cursing loudly in front of his entire family.<\/span>\n\nYou could attempt to yell at the kid, and risk getting weird stares from the bystanders, or you could just take the L and begin a 20-kilometre walk back to\u2026 somewhere? The mela is spread over a giant chunk of land, divided into sectors, numbered from four to 20-something. Perfect, now if only Sector 4 wasn\u2019t right next to Sector 14, and Sector 16 wasn\u2019t by Sector 3, you\u2019d be able to find your way around this place. But alas\u2026 you\u2019ll find it pretty ironic at this point that people come here to \u201cfind themselves\u201d.<\/span>\n\nYou could try asking a rickshawallah for directions, or dare I say it, a ride even? But apparently, the rickshaws of the Kumbh Mela are just a decorative display, meant to add flavour, and set the mood. Any attempt to actually get into a rickshaw requires a great deal of people skills, a spare cigarette or three, and a quite a bit of cash. For the rest of the normal folk, to actually get from place to place, you walk. To add to this general tension, just a few hours after you almost froze to death, it\u2019s now 40-degrees. And now you know why you see so few <\/span>Uttar Pradesh tourism ads<\/span><\/a>. <\/span>\n\n

“Make sure you don\u2019t mistake Khade Haath Baba I for Khade Haath Baba II, or, in fact, Khade Haath Baba III, because they\u2019re all totally different and also original.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\nAs you walk aimlessly through what looks like Dadar station at peak hour, make sure you don\u2019t accidentally photobomb someone trying to take a picture with God himself. Eventually, if you stay hydrated enough, you\u2019ll arrive at one of the akhadas, home to all <\/span>the babas<\/span><\/a> you see on TV. The babas at this point have given enough Nat Geo interviews to know they\u2019re going to have to do something special to work the crowd. No more cliches like meditating on ghats, addressing bhakts, or studying Puranas. These days each baba comes with their own gimmick \u2014 lambe baal baba, sunglass baba, kabootar baba, petrol baba, ad infinitum. <\/span>\n\nMake sure you don\u2019t mistake Khade Haath Baba I for Khade Haath Baba II, or, in fact, Khade Haath Baba III, because they\u2019re all totally different and also original. In case you miss Netflix, do look out for the baba who keeps trying to bury himself before he\u2019s stopped by the police. Also, make sure you avoid the one who pulls a Maruti 800 with his genitals because that generally sounds a lot cooler than it looks.<\/span>\n\nMost of the <\/span>babas<\/span><\/a> sit beside fires in their enclosures, welcoming anyone who can say \u201cJai Shri Ram\u201d. Make sure you have a camera handy when you enter because you don\u2019t want to be the only person in the world who\u2019s gone to the Kumbh and returned without a single picture of a chillum-smoking baba. If you make it through some basic conversation with the \u201cjunior babas\u201d outside, you may be invited inside to meet with the \u201csenior baba\u201d of the akhada. When this happens, mind your manners and don\u2019t bring up your views on organised religion.<\/span>\n\nAs you leave the akhada area, and the crowds get too religious, babas start walking around with tridents, and the chorus of \u201cRadhe Radhe\u201d intensifies. Once again it\u2019s likely you\u2019ll be in awe of the whole experience. This is exactly what people come to the Kumbh for! You\u2019d possibly consider yourself lucky to be there, able to witness this grand spectacle. But then it\u2019s also likely that a passer-by might spit some of his excess paan masala on your shirt, so stay sharp.<\/span>\n\nEventually, though, all good things must come to an end \u2014 and in this case, a sharp pain in your calves signals that it\u2019s time to make your way home. On your long, dark walk out of this glorious Kumbh Mela, prepare to deal with a number of UP\u2019s famously friendly locals, who walk right into you and then avoid eye-contact as they mutter, \u201cside\u201d. (This happens so often it should be included in Prayagraj\u2019s list of major tourist attractions). Once you\u2019ve crawled back, prepare to Mortal Kombat your way into a rickshaw to experience the most divine emotion of them all \u2014 relief. Wipe the sweat and tears off your face, and down a bottle of water, because if you can survive the Kumbh, you can survive anything.<\/span>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The grand procession of sadhus at the Kumbh Mela making their way to the banks of the holy Ganges for one of the shahi snans is a once-in-a-lifetime experience \u2014 note that attending twice may lead to serious emotional distress.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":4256,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[107],"tags":[3453,908,7655,5930,3596,1606,7656,7657,7658,7659,132,7638,7660,180,211,7661,6864,7662,7663,7664,7665,6635,4109,7275,2481,7666,4615,3460],"class_list":["post-4255","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-pov","tag-adityanath","tag-allahabad","tag-ardh","tag-babas","tag-banks","tag-ganga","tag-get","tag-guide","tag-honest","tag-how","tag-humour","tag-kumbh","tag-mela","tag-modi","tag-narendra","tag-pradesh","tag-prayagraj","tag-river","tag-sadhus","tag-sant","tag-saraswati","tag-satire","tag-to","tag-tourism","tag-travel","tag-uttar","tag-yamuna","tag-yogi"],"yoast_head":"\nWhat Lonely Planet Won\u2019t Tell You About Visiting the Kumbh Mela<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"The grand procession of sadhus 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