{"id":424,"date":"2016-04-29T06:30:57","date_gmt":"2016-04-29T06:30:57","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=424"},"modified":"2016-04-29T06:30:57","modified_gmt":"2016-04-29T06:30:57","slug":"decoding-one-indian-girl-chetan-bhagat-novel","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=424","title":{"rendered":"Decoding One Indian Girl"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p><span class=\"dropcap\">C<\/span>hetan Bhagat recently announced his latest book, <\/p><em>One Indian Girl<\/em>, on social media. Starring an investment-banking, opinion-holding, sex-having female protagonist named Radhika, the book claims to be a revelation that will help guys understand, at last, the mysterious ways of the surprisingly inaccessible creatures known as Their Own Fucking Girlfriends.\n\nNow, the shitpile of gender stereotypes is already higher than Antilia and stinkier than Dharavi, and I have a sneaking suspicion that Mr Bhagat\u2019s well-intentioned book will only add to its height and fragrance. Therefore, I\u2019m going to beat him to the punchline and help you understand millions like Radhika with my quick, fun, and in-depth guide on women \u2013 <em>Just Human Beings With Vaginas<\/em>.\n\nLet\u2019s begin slow, let\u2019s begin with the basics \u2013 What is a woman?\n\nNow this is one of life\u2019s enduring mysteries (next only to \u201cWho Let the Dogs Out?\u201d and \u201cWhy did Kattappa kill Baahubali?\u201d), to which everyone has a different theory.\n\nFor example, for those who believe in WhatsApp forwards, these creatures are similar to flowers, candies, and diamonds that must be wrapped and hidden in order to be safe from men. For the people who believe in age-old texts that are replete with stuff like \u201cSunshine is God\u2019s pee!\u201d, women are baby-vending machines with breasts as an added bonus (#ShitAncientDudesSay). Yet another bunch of people, who believe in aliens, suspect that women migrated all the way from Venus, especially to procreate with \u2018em Homo sapien hotties. Chetan Bhagat has helpfully distilled her down to three insightful lines &#8211; <em>I make a lot of money. I have an opinion on everything. I have had sex before<\/em>. But since that\u2019s true of Donald Trump also, I\u2019m afraid he won\u2019t leave you any wiser. However, through an elaborate scientific procedure known as Googling, you will learn that women are, in fact, human beings \u2013 the exact same species as men.\n<blockquote class=\"quote--center\">There are women who\u2019re as mysterious as the plot line of an Agatha Christie novel, and those who\u2019re as banal as the plot line of a Chetan Bhagat novel.<\/blockquote>\nThe question pertaining to the anatomy of women, a subject that consumes the waking hours of every Indian male, but one that\u00a0Mr Bhagat will safely stay away from, is in fact easier to answer. After hours of observing naked and attractive men and women engage in on-screen coitus (as I\u2019m sure you have), you will discover that women are anatomically rather similar to men. Give and take a few sexual organs, they seem to have the same stuff inside \u2013 right from a helluva brain at the top to a hairy butthole somewhere near the bottom. Radhika, I assure you, will have the same too. To borrow from the iconic lyrics of a flop Bollywood song, we are (mostly) same-same, but (a little) different.\n\nA survey I conducted on the subject \u201cWhat Women Want\u201d with a representative sample comprising 28 people and two eggs who follow me on Twitter, pointed out that 99 per cent of the respondents from both genders broke down and replied that it was roti, kapda, makaan, sex, and love (#urbanpoor, #foreveralone). The remaining one per cent provided stray responses like \u201csend nudes\u201d, which were not taken into account.\n\nOn dissecting the female responses deeper by applying inferential statistics, it was found that some women want to spend every bit of their inheritance on shopping, while others want to sit, sulk, and pick their noses in trial rooms, as an act of defiance against friends who\u2019ve tagged them along. There are women who make it their life\u2019s mission to keep their rooms cleaner than a toilet that has been Harpic-ed by Hussain, and those whose crumb-covered beds will make Bhishma Pitamah shudder in his grave. There are women who\u2019re as mysterious as the plot line of an Agatha Christie novel, and those who\u2019re as banal as the plot line of a Chetan Bhagat novel. In other words, any statement that takes\u00a0the form\u00a0\u201cwomen are X\u201d is\u00a0as redundant as the career of Bobby Deol.\n\nTo reiterate mathematically, on a scale of white money to Olympic medallists in India, Radhika and other women like her are just about as exotic as Amma\u2019s pictures in Tamil Nadu \u2013 that is, not at all. They\u2019re normal, distinct individuals, just like men. So, the next time you find yourself mystified by a woman again, may I suggest you use four magic words on her \u2013What\u2019s on your mind? &#8211; before you imagine what the whole tribe is? Just don\u2019t follow it up with, \u201cDeti hai toh de, warna katt le.\u201d That the Vagina People definitely don\u2019t like.\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The shitpile of gender stereotypes is higher than Antilia and stinkier than Dharavi. I have a sneaking suspicion that Chetan Bhagat\u2019s book will add to its height and fragrance.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":76,"featured_media":425,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[82],"tags":[62,63,64,65,66,67,688,689,690,691,71,72],"class_list":["post-424","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-pop-culture","tag-arre","tag-arre-digital-platform","tag-arre-originals","tag-arre-reads","tag-arre-text-articles","tag-arre-website","tag-chetan-bhagat","tag-chetan-bhagat-book","tag-gender-norms","tag-one-indian-girl","tag-web-series","tag-web-shows"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v28.0 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Decoding One Indian Girl<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"The shitpile of gender stereotypes is higher than Antilia and stinkier than Dharavi. 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