{"id":4175,"date":"2016-07-16T09:33:24","date_gmt":"2016-07-16T04:03:24","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=4175"},"modified":"2016-07-16T09:33:24","modified_gmt":"2016-07-16T04:03:24","slug":"when-aunty-judgement-masquerades-as-concern","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=4175","title":{"rendered":"\u201cMain Toh Maa Ki Tarah Hoon\u201d: When Aunty Judgement Masquerades as Concern"},"content":{"rendered":"\n\u00a0\n<p><span class=\"dropcap\">T<\/span>wo weeks ago, my Twitter timeline was flooded with outrage yet again, this time over a news story about actress-turned-BJP <\/p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/humour\/robert-vadra-priyanka-gandhi-congress-politician\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">politician<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Moushumi Chatterjee criticising an anchor for wearing pants at an event. Yes, pants.<\/span> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">My calendar insisted we were in 2019; this headline, not so much. While watching Chatterjee harangue a girl about her choice of clothes was expectedly infuriating, what followed was even worse: the expert aunty version of a pseudo-apology accompanied by the familiar eye-roll-worthy explanation of \u201cmain aapko maa ki tarah bol rahi hoon\u201d. <\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Time and again, <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/gender\/slut-shaming-schools-sexism-boys\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">girls are shamed<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> by the aunty patrol only to then have them conveniently package the whole thing as \u201cmaternal concern\u201d. <\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Make no mistake, this Moushumi Chatterjee incident wasn\u2019t just another politician\u2019s embarrassingly <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/gender\/ladies-night-feminist-wednesdays\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">sexist<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> rant, or the newest edition of BJP\u2019s sanskari propaganda. It was much more. It was the traumatic, adolescent rite of passage young Indian girls are subjected to \u2013 an aunty tirade.<\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In her illustrated book \u201cTrust No Aunty\u201d, dubbed as a \u201csurvival guide for <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/gender\/why-do-men-spread-their-legs-and-women-cross-theirs\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">young women<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201d, Pakistan-born Canadian artist Maria Qamar talks about the phenomenon of \u201caunty interference\u201d that has \u201chindered our social growth and embarrassed us in front of our friends and cool cousins\u201d. This refers to the long, humiliating lectures by older women \u2013 relatives, <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/social-commentary\/know-thy-neighbour-why-we-need-to-reconnect-with-our-padosis\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">neighbours<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, random strangers \u2013 that are always aimed at adolescent girls who \u201cdefy traditions\u201d by behaving \u201cinappropriately\u201d \u2013 smoking drinking, going out with boys, apparently even laughing loudly or wearing pants. These lectures almost always require a public setting to maximise mortification. <\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And like every woman I know, I too had to face my fair share of <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/gender\/feminism-update-me-too-nuance\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">aunty<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> music. I was 11 years old, on a trip with extended family, when I was shamed by a maasi for\u2026 wait for it\u2026 carrying a little handbag. \u00a0<\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In her words, \u201cYoung girls shouldn\u2019t be carrying around these things pretending to be older than their age and all. Who do you have to impress? Purses are something that only <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/love-and-sex\/divorcee-dating-relationships-sex\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">older women<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> are allowed to carry. And what do you have to hide in your bag anyway, haan?\u201d I still don\u2019t know who delivered the Handbag Diktat but this went on for a while.<\/span>\n<blockquote class=\"quote--center\">\u201cAs an Indian woman, I have the right to teach youngsters what they should wear, where, and when.\u201d<\/blockquote>\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">After driving me to tears in front of some 30-odd relatives she consoled me. \u201cBeta, don\u2019t mind. I\u2019m like your mother.\u201d This was confusing, because the handbag was actually a gift from my real <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/humour\/when-mothers-visit-living-alone-bombay-parents\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">mother<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. But I must admit that despite the bruised <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/social-commentary\/self-love-narcissism-men\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">self-esteem<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, as a 11-year-old, the conviction in that grown-up aunt\u2019s voice made me accept this as a suitable consolation.<\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">My maasi is no different from Moushumi Chatterjee or any other neighbour\/relative \u2013 self-assured in her belief that telling someone what is morally right is her predetermined role in society. That these tirades are what prepare a girl for her role in society \u2013 to become a missionary of <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/pov\/upper-class-feminist-benefits-patriarchy\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">patriarchy<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> and spread the word about these feminine expectations to the next generation. <\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">At some point during Chatterjee\u2019s monologue, she chided the anchor by reminding her of the \u201cduty\u201d that women have of upholding their <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/humour\/karva-chauth-channi-married-mard-fasting-marriage-indian-traditions\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">traditions<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> (by the means of<\/span> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">ghagra choli, apparently). When challenged by another woman reporter, Chatterjee turned defiant, and right when you thought she couldn\u2019t have been any less subtle about the whole thing, she said, \u201cAs an Indian woman, I have the right to teach youngsters what they should wear, where, and when.\u201d <\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Like my aunt, Chatterjee too had an <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/doodle\/sexual-harassment-apology-me-too\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">apology<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> to offer \u2013 \u201cI am sorry if you are offended,\u201d she said to the young girl, even if it was swiftly followed by a \u201cdon\u2019t do this again.\u201d A fake apology, of course because hurting sentiments of someone who is junior to you in age and stature is mere collateral in the larger battle of the preservation of sanskriti<\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. <\/span><\/i>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">But the truth is that these women who dole out advice faster than political parties distribute freebies in the <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/satire\/an-honest-letter-from-bjps-it-cell-member-to-pradhan-mantri-ji-ahead-of-elections\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">election season<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, seem to be convinced that it the goodness of their heart that pushes them to personally pinpoint your flaws. And that, you should be grateful to them for suppressing their burning desire to engage in gossip about you. How very large-hearted of them to loudly tell you to not sit with your legs wide apart in front of your male cousins, instead of going off with other women and secretly giggling about it instead. How very generous of them to announce to anyone who would listen, about the <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/humour\/fat-people-problems\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">weight<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> you\u2019ve gained while you are having a pack of chips? How incredibly fortunate for us that they choose a cousin\u2019s wedding to tell you to use a fairness cream otherwise \u201cShaadi kaun karega?\u201d<\/span>\n<blockquote class=\"quote--center\">&#8220;Also, people who don\u2019t have much perceived control in their own lives like to control the lives of others.\u201d<\/blockquote>\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The whole case for concern is that this is what any good <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/humour\/indian-mothers-love-care-family\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Indian mother<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> would do. But in reality, these women are neither our mothers, nor are they genuinely concerned. So why then does the length of my skirt, the sound of my laughter, or the \u00a0circumference of my waist bother anyone? <\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In an essay titled <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/melmagazine.com\/en-us\/story\/why-we-feel-the-need-to-give-advice-when-we-havent-been-asked\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cWhy We Feel the Need to Give Advice When We Haven\u2019t Been Asked\u201d<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, Thomas Plante, a psychology professor at Santa Clara University, says interference can sometimes come from \u201cfolks who are more narcissistic, assertive and aggressive; busybodies; and those with poor impulse control. Also, people who don\u2019t have much perceived control in their own lives like to control the lives of others.\u201d The advice-givers \u201care trying to demonstrate their dominance or superior understanding of things. Their hearts are not in the right place.\u201d<\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Having little control over their own lives, first as <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/social-commentary\/we-need-to-talk-about-our-toxic-fathers\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">daughters<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, then as wives, daughters-in-law \u2013 and even as mothers \u2013 women, especially in India, use whatever little opportunity they get to exercise their authority. This is often wrongly directed at unsuspecting young girls, who grow up and do exactly what was done to them, simply because they don\u2019t know any better. Until, of course, these girls have a mother like mine, who turned around and told my handbag-shaming maasi, \u201cYeh teri beti ki tarah nahi hai.\u201d<\/span>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Time and again, girls are shamed by the aunty patrol only to then have them conveniently package the whole thing as \u201cmaternal concern\u201d \u2013 \u201cBeta, I\u2019m like your mother.\u201d But the truth is, these women are neither our mothers, nor are they genuinely concerned. Then why does the length of my skirt or the sound of my laugh bother them?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":329,"featured_media":4176,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[107],"tags":[6486,2256,7566,7567,7568,7569,7570,111,7571],"class_list":["post-4175","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-pov","tag-aunty","tag-bjp","tag-indian-mother","tag-maria-qamar","tag-moushumi-chatterjee","tag-thomas-plante","tag-trust-no-aunty","tag-twitter","tag-why-we-feel-the-need-to-give-advice-when-we-havent-been-asked"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v28.0 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>\u201cMain Toh Maa Ki Tarah Hoon\u201d: When Aunty Judgement Masquerades as Concern<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Time and again, girls are shamed by the aunty patrol only to then have them conveniently package the whole thing as \u201cmaternal concern\u201d \u2013 \u201cBeta, I\u2019m like your mother.\u201d But the truth is, these women are neither our mothers, nor are they genuinely concerned. 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Then why does the length of my skirt or the sound of my laugh bother them?","og_url":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=4175","og_site_name":"Arr\u00e9","article_published_time":"2016-07-16T04:03:24+00:00","og_image":[{"width":1520,"height":850,"url":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/07\/1549630442.jpg","type":"image\/jpeg"}],"author":"Akanksha Dhyani","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_title":"\u201cMain Toh Maa Ki Tarah Hoon\u201d: When Aunty Judgement Masquerades as Concern","twitter_description":"Time and again, girls are shamed by the aunty patrol only to then have them conveniently package the whole thing as \u201cmaternal concern\u201d \u2013 \u201cBeta, I\u2019m like your mother.\u201d But the truth is, these women are neither our mothers, nor are they genuinely concerned. 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