{"id":4134,"date":"2016-04-21T13:27:39","date_gmt":"2016-04-21T07:57:39","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=4134"},"modified":"2016-04-21T13:27:39","modified_gmt":"2016-04-21T07:57:39","slug":"lesbian-bi-or-pansexual-why-i-refuse-to-label-my-sexuality","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=4134","title":{"rendered":"Lesbian? Bi? Or Pansexual? Why I Refuse to Label My Sexuality"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

I<\/span><\/p><\/div>

was 16 when a classmate <\/span>unsurely asked me if I was a <\/span>lesbian <\/span><\/a>\u2013 all I could do was marvel at her bluntness. It was the first time someone had addressed me with the loaded term, and after recovering from the initial surprise, I asked her why she thought so. She nervously pointed at the girl standing next to me and blurted, \u201cYou act like she is your girlfriend. You dress like a boy and never let down your hair!\u201d She sounded less upset about my sexuality, and more by my fashion choices. <\/span>\n\nIt was only my second week in college and I\u2019d already managed to tick off every box of the \u201cLesbian\u201d checklist: Doesn\u2019t like makeup, or anything \u201cgirly\u201d? Check. Sporty and brawny? Check. Short hair? Check. Flannels? Check.<\/span>\n\nThe words \u201ctomboy\u201d, \u201cladke jaisi\u201d were liberally thrown at me throughout school and I\u2019d laugh them off. <\/span>At the end of it, these were just labels that ultimately failed to define me. By the time I passed out of school, I\u2019d figured that something was different, I was not heterosexual and I wasn\u2019t even gay. I was attracted to both girls and boys. Some bit of googling pointed out that I was <\/span>bisexual<\/span><\/a>. Fair enough \u2014 it seemed like an easy concept, and I adopted the identity without further questioning.<\/span>\n\nThis label I wore wasn\u2019t enough to shut my curious peers up, but more importantly it did not ease me up. \u201cYou\u2019re doing this for attention, aren\u2019t you,\u201d an old friend asked me, which made me wonder if I should stay closeted. <\/span>\n\nBy now, I had mastered the art of composure, despite the storm brewing inside my mind. My identity at home was different \u2013 or rather, same as the rest. Born in a <\/span>religious <\/span>Catholic <\/span><\/a>family, I was expected to be like any other Eve, and at some point find my Adam. My parents don\u2019t know any better, whose only exposure came from old Bollywood, where homosexuality = effeminate men. A woman being attracted to another woman, or both a man and a woman, is not something that happens in the world they inhabit \u2013 not even in the movies they watch, or the literature they read. So my unexpected and rather lame attempts at \u201ccoming out\u201d \u2013 I jokingly respond when someone in the family asks if I have a boyfriend, \u201cWould you like to meet my girlfriend?\u201d\u2013 are laughed at. I\u2019ve slipped in the \u201cgirlfriend bit\u201d in a number of conversations but my mother has never turned around and asked me questions. Someday when she does, I hope she asks who the girl is and not who am I. <\/span>\n\nFor the latter, I have no answer that would satisfy her yet. <\/span>\n\nAll through the final years of <\/span>school <\/span><\/a>and the first few years of college, I told myself a thousand times that I am bisexual, as if to hurriedly fit myself into a box. Like if it didn\u2019t identify myself already, I\u2019d miss out on my membership to the LGBTQIA+ club. <\/span>\n\nIt was only after I started degree college and found myself surrounded by a whole new and incredibly diverse bunch of people that I started to figure out what the cause of all that anxiety was. In my mass media classroom, everyone was woke and had strong opinions; they were unapologetic, loud, and accepting. Here I discovered even more labels: Genderqueer, asexual, FTM transition, intersex. And they all became a part of my vocabulary. The world was no longer black, white, or grey, it was a veritable rainbow of possibilities. <\/span>\n\n

It took me some time and then I realised that gender identity and sexuality are the bandwidth of a spectrum that\u2019s larger than life itself. <\/p><\/blockquote> \n\nBut the more I learnt about these sexual identities, the more confused I started to feel. While I spent more time in trying to understand these worldly terms better, I had deduced that my identity went beyond bisexuality and mere attraction toward two widely acknowledged genders. <\/span>\n<\/span>\n<\/span>I wasn\u2019t ready to restrict myself to the <\/span>bisexual <\/span><\/a>box. And I did not care what flipping gender a person identified with. And that I thought was my personal awakening. While the term queer provided an escape to explore myself, I tried to find solace in pansexuality, needing something <\/span>more specific<\/span><\/i>, more grounded to help myself and others understand who I was. <\/span>\n\nAnd soon enough, I was that pansexual surrounded by a whole lot of friends, outside my woke media bubble, who wondered what the heck the term actually meant. And could I really blame them? I could barely figure out a way to describe myself, how could I expect everyone else to keep up? I had gone from \u201cnot straight\u201d to bisexual to pansexual in a span of five years. Meanwhile, as the sharp definitions continued to cause me angst, my other classmates, who had also \u201cfelt <\/span>different<\/span><\/a>\u201d, were able to be themselves.<\/span>\n\nJust trying to fit into the LGBTQIA+ community had left me overwhelmed. And I like many other confused souls turned to the internet \u2013 research paper, news reports and articles, and forums \u2013 for answers. And here I discovered there were others like me, exhausted with the endless, overlapping labels to choose from. It was disconcerting, draining, and none of us could figure out which letter in the acronym we were supposed to claim. <\/span>\n\nIt took me some time and then I realised that gender identity and sexuality are the bandwidth of a spectrum that\u2019s larger than life itself. Like the varying emotions that exist, humans are never in the constant state of feeling just one of the many. I could like a boy on one day, a girl on another, and a trans person the next. Io <\/span>Tillett Wright, an American author, activist and a transman, <\/span>equates identity to rigidity<\/span><\/a> stating how settling for an identity can be a limitation to our future selves. After all the answer to \u201cWho are you?\u201d has <\/span>never<\/span><\/i> been one size fits all. <\/span>\n\nSo, I dropped those limiting identities. People will catch up eventually, just as they had to labels like lesbian or pansexual. And even if they didn\u2019t, it was okay. Not confining to labels, has, for me, been more liberating than trying to find my box.<\/span> After all, they were more for the world than for myself, like how my mother labels those <\/span>masala <\/span><\/a>jars in our kitchen so my father and I know what they are.<\/span>\n<\/span>\n<\/span>So who am I, really? Occasionally, I may roll with \u201cbi and fly\u201d, \u201chomiesexual\u201d, or even \u201cpan with a plan\u201d. Sometimes I am \u201cqueer and here\u201d. At this very moment? I am just me.<\/span>\n\n\u00a0\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I have gone from \u201cnot straight\u201d to bisexual to pansexual in a span of five years. I feared if I didn\u2019t identify myself, I\u2019d miss out on my membership to the LGBTQIA+ club. But then I realised the answer to \u201cWho are you?\u201d has never been one size fits all. So, I dropped those limiting identities.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":313,"featured_media":4135,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[170],"tags":[418,7504,7505,420,1739,408],"class_list":["post-4134","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-gender","tag-bisexual","tag-hierarchy","tag-idnetity","tag-lgbtq","tag-school","tag-sex"],"yoast_head":"\nLesbian? Bi? Or Pansexual? Why I Refuse to Label My Sexuality<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I have gone from \u201cnot straight\u201d to bisexual to pansexual in a span of five years. 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