{"id":4053,"date":"2016-03-07T07:34:44","date_gmt":"2016-03-07T02:04:44","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=4053"},"modified":"2016-03-07T07:34:44","modified_gmt":"2016-03-07T02:04:44","slug":"acne-face-health-scars-medicine-battle","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=4053","title":{"rendered":"20-Year-Old Battle With Acne: The Scars on My Psyche are Deeper Than the Ones on My Face"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

I<\/span><\/p>have spent more time at the dermatologist\u2019s clinic than most millennials spend in a coffee shop. And I change my doctors more often than our media changes its mind on <\/span>Rahul Gandhi<\/span><\/a>.<\/span>\n\nIt was yet another <\/span>Saturday<\/span><\/a> spent in the waiting room of a new dermatologist. When I was called in, she exuded a lot of confidence. Sure that she could get rid of my acne in a short time, she offered me a deal that was too good to pass on. But as much as I wanted to believe her promises of smooth and clear <\/span>skin<\/span><\/a>, I knew better. I\u2019d been hearing the same pick-up lines for two decades now. If life had taught me anything, it was that a new, painful pimple was always just a few days away. <\/span>\n\nI have been living with acne since I was in <\/span>Class 8<\/span><\/a>. My teenage memories are filled with breakouts, not break-ups. <\/span>\n\nEvery pimple appears on my face the same way. It begins with a mild awareness that a part of my face feels different. And a few days later, it arrives \u2013 red, brimming with pus, hard, the size of a peanut. That, for me, is a good day. On a bad one, two or three will announce their presence. And I have to stop myself from crying from the <\/span>pain<\/span><\/a> and the repeated confirmation that even now, at the age of 36, 22 years after the first one erupted, I suffer from cystic acne, the most severe form of acne vulgaris. It is marked by large, inflamed lesions that form deep within the skin and can result in painful bumps on the surface of the skin. <\/span>\n\nNone of my <\/span>friends<\/span><\/a> or acquaintances suffers from cystic acne. So when some of them meet me on a bad day, they\u2019re truly surprised. I\u2019m surprised too \u2013 at their casual insensitivity. <\/span>\n

On the street, I walk with my head bowed, covering up the sides of my face with my hair.<\/blockquote>\nA woman I know well asked me to not kiss her <\/span>toddler<\/span><\/a> \u2013 who I love as if he were mine \u2013 because she didn\u2019t want my infected face to touch his. A fellow passenger in the <\/span>train<\/span><\/a> once grabbed my hand without offering a pleasantry to show me the points I should press all day on my palm to make my face better. A former colleague once brought me a packet of Multani mitti without us ever discussing my acne. An aunt I met on a good day between pimples said that since my face had cleared up, now was the time to start looking for a husband. Over the years, my friends have asked me why no treatment seems to be working. While they might have been asking just that, my warped mind would translate that to: \u201cWhat are you doing wrong that no treatment is working?\u201d I know all of them meant well, but grateful is not what I feel in these moments. <\/span>\n\nMy acne-scarred face is the most enduring memory people have of me. When <\/span>relatives<\/span><\/a> come over, my brother gets the usual Indian greeting of, \u201cMy, how you\u2019ve grown!\u201d I get \u201cWhy don\u2019t you go to my friend\u2019s dermatologist?\u201d \u00a0\u00a0<\/span>\n\nOn the <\/span>street<\/span><\/a>, I walk with my head bowed, covering up the sides of my face with my hair. I\u2019ll bring up my pimple in a conversation before someone else does, so I\u2019m not blindsided when I\u2019m asked about it and have the acne talk in control. My interaction with the opposite <\/span>sex<\/span><\/a> has, since I can remember, been skewed by my own perception that any half-decent boy wouldn\u2019t want to come within an arm\u2019s length of me. <\/span>\n\nAfter controlling what I eat based on the suggestions of anyone who shared their opinion (I once gave up my beloved daily mug of <\/span>milk<\/span><\/a>), applying every possible topical cream, getting my pimples diluted with a needle injecting the painful lump so many times, and a bunch of hormone-balancing <\/span>pills<\/span><\/a>, I finally found a miracle drug named Roaccutane. <\/span>\n\nIt is a powerful medicine that my dermatologist has called the final frontier. Because if Roaccutane doesn\u2019t work, nothing will. It reduces the amount of sebum made by glands in the skin, brings down inflammation, opens clogged pores, and is the most aggressive treatment in the market. The list of side effects includes drying out your skin, mouth, eyes, lips, and nose. It can cause nosebleeds, joint and back pain, dizziness and drowsiness. It has also been linked to anxiety and panic attacks, <\/span>depression<\/span><\/a> and <\/span>suicide<\/span><\/a>. <\/span>\n\nBut I am desperate, and I\u2019ve been on the drug for four months now. Except for the dryness, I have suffered none of the other side effects. Recently, however, I\u2019ve learnt that Roaccutane can affect the health of my <\/span>liver<\/span><\/a> as well. A <\/span>blood<\/span><\/a> test would tell me if it has, but I was reluctant to get one. Thanks to the daily pill, my skin is the best it\u2019s been in a long, long time. <\/span>\n\nI now go to sleep with the certainty that a new pimple won\u2019t come knocking the next <\/span>morning<\/span><\/a>. That I am just like the other women I know who don\u2019t have to worry about acne. And I don\u2019t want that wonderful feeling to go away. <\/span>\n\nBut now other thoughts began to haunt me. What if the drug has made my liver unhealthy and I have to go off it? Then I\u2019d have to give it up and be back to looking ugly again. I don\u2019t want that. While I\u2019ve always known that acne will leave its mental scars, this was a new low for me. Was I really willing to risk my health for a face that wouldn\u2019t make me feel <\/span>ashamed<\/span><\/a>? Where was all my wokeness when it came to my face? <\/span>\n\nMy liver is functioning just fine\u2026 for now. But I\u2019m at an age where I should\u2019ve figured out what\u2019s truly important in life. I am old enough to know I am worth more than my face. That once you look past my battle scars, I\u2019m a hoot to be with. Someday, I\u2019ll look at a <\/span>woman<\/span><\/a> with smooth skin and not wince. Someday, I\u2019ll look at her and not wish I had her skin. Today is not that day. <\/span>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My acne-scarred face is the most enduring memory people have of me. When relatives come over, my brother gets the usual greeting of, \u201cMy, how you\u2019ve grown!\u201d I get \u201cWhy don\u2019t you go to my friend\u2019s dermatologist?\u201d After years, I found a miracle drug. Was I willing to risk my health for it?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":315,"featured_media":4054,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[40],"tags":[7127,4616,7395,559,2042,319,7396,1722,7397,5561,707,81],"class_list":["post-4053","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-first-person","tag-acne","tag-body","tag-clinic","tag-depression","tag-fitness","tag-health","tag-helathcare","tag-hospital","tag-mediacation","tag-medicine","tag-mental-health","tag-suicide"],"yoast_head":"\n20-Year-Old Battle With Acne: The Scars on My Psyche are Deeper Than the Ones on My Face<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"My acne-scarred face is the most enduring memory people have of me. When relatives come over, my brother gets the usual greeting of, \u201cMy, how you\u2019ve grown!\u201d I get \u201cWhy don\u2019t you go to my friend\u2019s dermatologist?\u201d After years, I found a miracle drug. Was I willing to risk my health for it?\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=4053\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"20-Year-Old Battle With Acne: The Scars on My Psyche are Deeper Than the Ones on My Face\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"My acne-scarred face is the most enduring memory people have of me. When relatives come over, my brother gets the usual greeting of, \u201cMy, how you\u2019ve grown!\u201d I get \u201cWhy don\u2019t you go to my friend\u2019s dermatologist?\u201d After years, I found a miracle drug. 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