{"id":4010,"date":"2016-03-17T13:43:44","date_gmt":"2016-03-17T08:13:44","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=4010"},"modified":"2016-03-17T13:43:44","modified_gmt":"2016-03-17T08:13:44","slug":"swimming-adults-learning-age","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=4010","title":{"rendered":"Everything is Fair in Water and War: How I Beat 10-year-olds at Swimming"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<div class=\"container page-content\"><p><span class=\"dropcap\">I<\/span><\/p><\/div><p>t was 1999. I, six years old, watched my <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/social-commentary\/know-thy-neighbour-why-we-need-to-reconnect-with-our-padosis\/https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/social-commentary\/know-thy-neighbour-why-we-need-to-reconnect-with-our-padosis\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">neighbourhood<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u2019s three oldest boys walk up to our local cable operator. In one smooth handshake, currency was exchanged for a slip of paper. On the slip was a number: 91.<\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">As I realised later, \u201c91\u201d was the designated channel that would screen <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/pop-culture\/baywatch-review-priyanka-chopra-zac-efron-the-rock-dudebro\/\"><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Baywatch<\/span><\/i><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> that night. Only the operator\u2019s hormonal audience had access by payment \u2013 the 90\u2019s equivalent of sharing your Netflix account. <\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cIt\u2019s a show about lifeguards.\u201d one of the older boys explained to us pre-pubescent lambs. Lifeguards \u2013 as I found out after my introductory watch \u2013 that move in lusty strides, as if the urgency of saving someone\u2019s life sexually aroused them.<\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So 20 years later, when a pot-bellied lifeguard pulled me out of the sea in <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/humour\/humans-of-goa-party-booze\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Goa<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, my crippling fear of death was interrupted by a random thought: \u201cMan, this guy looks <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">nothing<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> like David Hasselhoff.\u201d <\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Before I could truly register my disappointment, my heaving Goan angel asked me why I didn\u2019t swim back to the shore when asked. \u201cI didn\u2019t know how to,\u201d I spattered out. As the entire beach watched me reduced to sea-salt and snot, I explained that I\u2019d never learned to swim.<\/span>\n\n<blockquote class=\"quote--center\"><p>I did not expect this epiphany to come in a pool surrounded by noisy kids, intimidated by how quick they were at picking up a new skill.<\/p><\/blockquote> \n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I was too nauseous to explain that none of the <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/pov\/too-cool-for-school-what-i-learned-from-being-homeschooled-in-mumbai\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">schools<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> I went to had swimming pools, or that most of my landlocked family had barely seen the ocean and believed that Maths tuition was a more pressing investment. <\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cThen why did you go that far in?\u201d, asked the ab-free saviour of my life.<\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Because I was an idiot, I thought to myself. An idiot with zero capacity to swim who looked at a sea with infinite capacity to drown, and thought, \u201cEh, I\u2019ll be fine.\u201d <\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">As the entire beach was now aware, I was not fine. Come to think of it, I was also not fine on a <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/gender\/womens-wall-kerala-me-too-sabarimala\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Kerala<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> beach in 2013 and extremely not fine in Thailand in 2014 where I pretty much gave myself up to Yamraj before another not-Pamela-Anderson pulled me out.<\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So last summer, in a fit of ennui, impatience, and disposable income, I decided to sign up for swimming lessons at the tender age of 25. After explaining several times that the lessons were to be for me and not my (imaginary) children, I managed to find someone who didn\u2019t mock my earnestness and signed up immediately.<\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I walked into Very <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/people\/ughich-kashala-maharashtrian-dreams\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Maharashtrian<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Sports Complex<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">TM<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> on the first day of class and quickly realized two things: One, the rest of my class was under the age of 10. Two, this made me a fully-grown man paying to frolic in a pool with kids under the age of 10. I didn\u2019t know what was worse. Suddenly, the moustache I grew over the summer felt like a terrible idea. <\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The 20 parents watching their kids from the gallery validated my self-consciousness as their eyes scanned me for the slightest hint of Shakti Kapoor in my stride. Amongst the many crimes of paedophiles, nearly denying adult men of a swimming education might be the most unexpected.<\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Aware of the scrutiny my presence was inviting, my Very Maharashtrian Instructor placed me at a \u201csafe\u201d <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/modern-family\/survive-long-distance-relationship-parents\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">distance away<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> from the contingent of kids, causing me to spend the next hour trying to listen for instructions from 10 feet away. <\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Once my sincere efforts to learn convinced the overlords that my sexuality was adequately orthodox, I was taught how to kick water (take that, you flimsy state of matter!) and moderate my breathing (ooh, bubbles!) in pawing proximity of children.<\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I had expected to feel <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/love-and-sex\/puppy-love-relationships-romance\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">old<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> at some point in my life. Maybe when I\u2019d go to a party and not understand any slang or maybe when I\u2019d have to ask my nephew to fix my phone. Or when I\u2019d have nephews at all. <\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I did <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">not <\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">expect this epiphany to come in a pool surrounded by noisy kids, intimidated by how quick they were at picking up a new skill. While their brains adapted to instruction like dough, mine had already solidified into very mediocre pie. I have never thrown pie overboard, but I suspect buoyancy isn\u2019t its strongest suit.<\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So like all old men, I decided to get even by getting competitive about non-competition. I did the laps twice and won all the races. I kicked their ass and rubbed it in their little faces. Turns out it feels great to be top of your class, even when your class\u2019 average wingspan is shorter than your chest hair.<\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In two months, I could <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/humour\/swimming-coach-camp-water-monsters-strict\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">swim<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> from one end of the pool to the other without my life flashing before my eyes. It was time to meet my big blue nemesis.<\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">About to head to a little vacation by the coast, I bid goodbye to the children who had floundered with me these months. They nodded, unsure of how to respond to a man who\u2019s clearly getting his mid-life crisis a decade early. <\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I then walked to my instructor hoping for a pep talk. He put his hands on my shoulders, hesitated for a moment \u2013 overwhelmed by emotion, no doubt \u2013 and said the four magic words: \u201cYour fee is due\u201d.<\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Inspired by this clarion call, I handed the receptionist two moist notes and flew away. Before I could yell \u201cswimcap\u201d, I was on the beach. <\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">My companion whipped out his camera. I whipped off my shirt. \u201cGonna get you this time asshole,\u201d<\/span> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I muttered to the sea. The sea chose to stay silent, presumably left speechless by my pettiness.<\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I sprinted into the water with unnecessary aggression, as if all my life had led up to this completely avoidable moment. As the water got moustache-high, I went under. I kicked and sculled with the grace and spright of someone who has just learned that they aren\u2019t a brick. For a moment, the world &#8211; oceans included &#8211; made sense.<\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And that is when I felt a weight in my swimming shorts.<\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In this world now, there exists a video. It depicts a man in the sea, holding a drenched phone up in the air with one arm and paddling desperately back to the shore with the other, as if saluting his own stupidity. He then scrambles to wrap this phone in his towel while remaining entirely drenched himself. It could have been the poster for a <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Black Mirror<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> parody.<\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I had nearly drowned in the sea thrice. Somehow, this was more embarrassing.<\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The shirt was put on and the camera switched off. I spanked my phone like it was an old TV remote, hoping that the advancement in technology hadn\u2019t made it averse to some light middle-class kink.<\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Just as it breathed its last waft of WiFi, a pair of sinewy forearms offered me a box of uncooked rice. I looked up to find a lifeguard &#8211; finally matching my Los Angeles County notions of fitness &#8211; suggesting that I put the phone in it to dry. I accepted, marking the first time I had ever listened to a lifeguard. <\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cI\u2019ll get you next time,\u201d<\/span> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I muttered to the sea before leaving. The sea declined to comment, complacent in the confidence that a shivering man holding a box of dry rice probably never will.<\/span>\n\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>I never learned to swim as a child; my landlocked family believed that Maths tuition was a more pressing investment. So at 25, when I signed up for classes at Very Maharashtrian Sports ComplexTM, I was in the company of only 10-year-olds. Suddenly, the moustache I grew over the summer felt like a terrible idea.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":327,"featured_media":4011,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[107],"tags":[3260,7342,79,353,7343],"class_list":["post-4010","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-pov","tag-age","tag-learning","tag-maharashtra","tag-sports","tag-swimming"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v28.0 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Everything is Fair in Water and War: How I Beat 10-year-olds at Swimming<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I never learned to swim as a child; my landlocked family believed that Maths tuition was a more pressing investment. 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Suddenly, the moustache I grew over the summer felt like a terrible idea.","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Pulkit Arora","Est. reading time":"6 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"Article","@id":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=4010#article","isPartOf":{"@id":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=4010"},"author":{"name":"Pulkit Arora","@id":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/#\/schema\/person\/4b8670d8a0be76046698c3a5932047e4"},"headline":"Everything is Fair in Water and War: How I Beat 10-year-olds at Swimming","datePublished":"2016-03-17T08:13:44+00:00","mainEntityOfPage":{"@id":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=4010"},"wordCount":1247,"image":{"@id":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=4010#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/07\/1547468017.jpg","keywords":["age","learning","maharashtra","sports","swimming"],"articleSection":["POV"],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=4010","url":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=4010","name":"Everything is Fair in Water and War: How I Beat 10-year-olds at Swimming","isPartOf":{"@id":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=4010#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=4010#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/07\/1547468017.jpg","datePublished":"2016-03-17T08:13:44+00:00","author":{"@id":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/#\/schema\/person\/4b8670d8a0be76046698c3a5932047e4"},"description":"I never learned to swim as a child; my landlocked family believed that Maths tuition was a more pressing investment. So at 25, when I signed up for classes at Very Maharashtrian Sports ComplexTM, I was in the company of only 10-year-olds. 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