{"id":3959,"date":"2016-06-06T01:22:02","date_gmt":"2016-06-05T19:52:02","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=3959"},"modified":"2016-06-06T01:22:02","modified_gmt":"2016-06-05T19:52:02","slug":"grieve-end-of-a-relationship-no-name-on-paper","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=3959","title":{"rendered":"How Do You Grieve the End of a Relationship That Has No Name on Paper?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n\u00a0\n

E<\/span>ndings hurt. Most of us, who have had to undergo the agonising process of detangling our lives from an important significant other\u2019s, know how devastating the experience can be. And yes, even though your rational side knows that someday in the future you\u2019re going to come out on the other side of this gutting experience stronger, that knowledge is cold comfort when it\u2019s 2 am and you realise they\u2019ve changed their <\/p>Netflix<\/span><\/a> password \u2014 your last remaining link to each other. <\/span>\n\nAs sucky as they are, endings are also universal. No amount of <\/span>money<\/span><\/a>, level of achievement, glamour, good looks, or even celebrity, can inoculate you from the wreckage caused by a broken heart. There\u2019s no way to not feel at least a wee bit adrift, like a raft dislodged from its secure moorings, when you\u2019re the one left watching as someone walks out the door. <\/span>\n\nAnd even if you\u2019re the one doing the walking out \u2014 no matter how many times you tell yourself that it\u2019s for the best, that you weren\u2019t <\/span>compatible<\/span><\/a> in the long term, that your goals and dreams for the future were going to take you on completely diverging paths, and all the other Very Good Reasons you rehearsed in front of the mirror \u2014 there is no escaping the pain. \u00a0<\/span>\n\nI know, because I\u2019m experiencing the end of something glorious right now. <\/span>\n\nI know, because no matter how hard I try not to, I find myself checking the dreadful \u201clast seen\u201d on <\/span>WhatsApp<\/span><\/a> a hundred times a day, willing it to change by the sheer force of my need to see him online the same time as me. <\/span>\n

As sucky as they are, endings are also universal.<\/blockquote>\nI know, because I\u2019ve had days, and even weeks, when the yearning for an alternate ending is so intense, it strips me of my ability to function like a somewhat productive member of the land of the living. <\/span>\n\nAnd I\u2019m okay with that. <\/span>\n\nI\u2019m okay with playing the withering wallflower in this intensely personal theatre of grief \u2014 to be the pitiful sidekick who marinates in grief, barely able to scrape by after having her heart trampled upon. And I can\u2019t stress enough how sublimely uninterested I am in the race to \u201cwin\u201d the <\/span>breakup<\/span><\/a> by being the first to move on. <\/span>\n\nIt doesn\u2019t matter what <\/span>I<\/span><\/i> want, there is no stopping the avalanche of advice and banal, meaningless platitudes that well-meaning <\/span>friends<\/span><\/a> heap at my doorstep, almost as if it is their personal moral obligation to make me \u201csnap out of it\u201d, and assure me that it is going to \u201cblow over\u201d.<\/span>\n\nI will, and it will, I know. Of course, I know. Someday, sooner or later, the vice-like grip of <\/span>memories<\/span><\/a> will loosen, and the ache in my chest will choke me a little less. Each day after that will be easier than the previous one to get through.<\/span>\n\nOver the last few weeks, I\u2019ve heard every variation of the \u201cstay strong\u201d, \u201cchin up\u201d, \u201cdon\u2019t think about it\u201d, \u201cget some action\u201d lines of advice. And it\u2019s made me think about the fundamental difference in the way we extend support to those closest to us in times of need. What is it about <\/span>relationships<\/span><\/a> that exist outside of the bounds of institutions like marriage, and don\u2019t have a clearly defined, recognisable name on paper that makes it so easy for us, collectively, to treat them like they are somehow less than? <\/span>\n
Grief makes people uncomfortable.<\/blockquote>\nWhen someone goes through a painful <\/span>divorce<\/span><\/a>, we don\u2019t ask them to get over their spouse by getting under someone else. We don\u2019t ask them to find solace in retail therapy, or a haircut, or annoying, trying-hard-to-be profound Instagram quotes. There is no timer to count down the minutes to the end of their mourning period. We show up at their homes, preferably with a casserole, and wait for them to emerge from their self-imposed exiles. For the most part, we allow them the dignity, and the time, to overcome the sorrow of losing something who was once precious to them. But when it comes to the no-name relationships flowering all around us, we expect grief to be quick, convenient and tidy. We\u2019d like even more for it to be outsourced entirely, by hoping for an efficient transfer of affections to a more deserving candidate, chosen with the clinical precision with which one moves from ICICI to HDFC Bank. <\/span>\n\nIn the last eight weeks, I\u2019ve watched my parents wait impatiently for me to signal that I\u2019m ready to see other \u201coptions\u201d (their word, not mine) from among the \u201cbiodatas\u201d they\u2019re already stealthily sourcing. I\u2019ve had friends urge me to get on Tinder or sign up for exclusive <\/span>matchmaking<\/span><\/a> service started by this friend, or that acquaintance. Most relatives, young and old, by way of commiseration, only have this to offer: I\u2019m going to find someone better and more worthy, and very soon. It would have been cruel, heartless, and grossly inappropriate to talk about a replacement, if it was my marriage, not \u201cjust\u201d a relationship that had fallen apart.<\/span>\n\nEven as I want to <\/span>rage<\/span><\/a> and thunder against it, a part of me understands the confusion. Grief makes people uncomfortable. It renders useless \u2014 temporarily \u2014 the social currency most of us trade in. It requires imagination to come up with appropriate conversational lubricants, a challenging task that most of us find ourselves unequal to, especially when the relationship being mourned is not something that can be understood, or explained, with a one-size-fits-all definition. <\/span>\n\nIt would be so much kinder to simply admit the limitations of our vocabulary and fall silent, instead of inflicting the aggrieved with the inadvertent cruelty of minimising the importance of the loss they alone can understand. Because all relationships \u2014 whether they have a name or recognition \u2014 deserve to be both celebrated and <\/span>mourned<\/span><\/a>. <\/span>\n\nGive me some time and space to cry over mine, please.<\/span>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I\u2019m experiencing the end of a glorious relationship that existed outside the bounds of marriage. Over the last few weeks, I\u2019ve heard every variation of the \u201cget some action\u201d line of advice. Why do we treat relationships that don\u2019t have a clearly defined, recognisable name like they were somehow inferior?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":306,"featured_media":3960,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[15],"tags":[2224,7294,17,1254,7295,1250,1341,228,939],"class_list":["post-3959","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-love-and-sex","tag-breakup","tag-compatible","tag-divorce","tag-friendship","tag-matchmaking","tag-mourning","tag-netflix","tag-relationship","tag-whatsapp"],"yoast_head":"\nHow Do You Grieve the End of a Relationship That Has No Name on Paper?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I\u2019m experiencing the end of a glorious relationship that existed outside the bounds of marriage. Over the last few weeks, I\u2019ve heard every variation of the \u201cget some action\u201d line of advice. 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