{"id":3816,"date":"2016-06-17T00:03:41","date_gmt":"2016-06-16T18:33:41","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=3816"},"modified":"2016-06-17T00:03:41","modified_gmt":"2016-06-16T18:33:41","slug":"toxic-women-bosses-office-mental-abuse","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=3816","title":{"rendered":"Why Women Are Afraid of Calling Out Toxic Women Bosses"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

T<\/span><\/p><\/div>

oxic<\/span><\/a>. Oxford Dictionary has deemed it 2018\u2019s word of the year due to \u201cthe sheer scope of its application\u201d that made it a \u201cstandout choice\u201d. <\/span>\n\nI feel for the word, and for the good folks at Oxford. Most of the time, toxic is followed by masculinity, before conversations veer toward all the ways men knowingly and unknowingly screw women over. Which is why I use the word judiciously, especially since it is the only word my brain conjures up every time I think of a certain <\/span>boss<\/span><\/a> I had the misfortune of working with. <\/span>\n\nTo make things infinitely worse, she was a <\/span>woman<\/span><\/a>. Why is that so much worse, you ask? Because I didn\u2019t want to be the woman who called another woman a toxic boss \u2013 not even garden-variety toxic, but toxic to a level that I often found myself wondering if poison, not blood, coursed through her veins. <\/span>\n\nI\u2019d always thought, women don\u2019t rip into other women in power. We had men for that. To snigger and make snide comments about how a woman\u2019s success was directly proportional to the number of men she had slept with while \u201cstealing\u201d a man\u2019s <\/span>promotion<\/span><\/a> \u2013 based on \u201cmerit\u201d of course \u2013 from under his nose. And that it didn\u2019t matter if her list of accomplishments was short, as long as her hemline was shorter. <\/span>\n\nOver time, I\u2019d cultivated a wordlessly withering look for people who thought anything other than professional competence was relevant to the conversation. I\u2019ve watched friends struggle to get their big breaks because it is so unfathomable to men to <\/span>hire<\/span><\/a> women in leadership positions, and even more unpalatable to answer to a female boss. God forbid if said woman is younger than the people she\u2019s supposed to lead. I\u2019ve also known women who were sent official memos reprimanding them \u2013 severely \u2013 for behaviour that wouldn\u2019t even have registered on anyone\u2019s radar for more than a few minutes, had the offender been a <\/span>man<\/span><\/a>. \u00a0<\/span>\n\n

I\u2019d always thought, women don\u2019t rip into other women in power. We had men for that.<\/p><\/blockquote> \n\nSo believe me when I say this: I really, really, <\/span>really<\/span><\/i> tried to explain away her awfulness as a case of crossed wires between me and her. <\/span>\n\nG had perfected the exquisite art of mentally abusing the people who worked for her without ever raising her voice, or even speaking very much at all. It was all done through a relentless stream of <\/span>passive aggressive<\/span><\/a> emails and text messages to pinpoint even the tiniest of mistakes or oversights, while studiously ignoring every victory, or a job done well. <\/span>\n\nA week into the job, I understood why the team I\u2019d been handed was so antagonistic in their reception of me \u2013 their template for a boss was an emotionally abusive one who delighted in making their time in <\/span>office<\/span><\/a> as miserable as possible. When number one was a study in human degradation, why would number two be any different? <\/span>\n\nWithin 10 days, I came to the disturbing realisation that my team of five literally went through entire days sitting next to each other like <\/span>robots<\/span><\/a>, not once uttering a word. When they spoke, the conversation was brittle and suspicious. No one ever asked for help, because each one fully expected to have their ideas stolen. There was no spirit of collaboration, and the warmth of camaraderie was a pipe <\/span>dream<\/span><\/a>. <\/span>\n\nBy the time the first month drew to a close, the ping of the phone signalling an incoming <\/span>office email<\/span><\/a> led to anxiety. It was never explicitly spelt out, but waiting for office hours to respond to even non-urgent queries was met with cold disapproval. <\/span>\n\nWe were all slaves to G\u2019s moods and whims. The good days, no matter how rare, kept us hoping and <\/span>praying<\/span><\/a> at the start of each day \u2013 although most would begin with a laundry list of all the things we\u2019d done wrong, marked to as many people as she could think of, for some strange reason. I\u2019d later learn that it was part of her MO to ensure her team never became confident enough to function independently \u2013 it ensured that G would never become redundant.\u00a0<\/span>\n\nI thought the vitriol would ease up if I took on more work. I started working early mornings, late nights, and even weekends. There were days when I had so much work, I didn\u2019t have time to eat, or even pee. Spending 10-12 hours straight at the desk without getting up to even stretch once was enough to give me neck and back spasms, and a bladder infection from holding in all that pee, but it wasn\u2019t enough to soften the dour, disappointed expression permanently glued to G\u2019s face. <\/span>\n\nI used to pride myself as a talented, <\/span>hard-working professional<\/span><\/a>, but G had the uncanny ability to strip her team of its dignity by making each person feel like an incompetent loser. By the end of two months, my <\/span>anxiety<\/span><\/a> had grown to full-blown panic attacks \u2013 I was waking up in the middle of the night, every night, in a cold sweat, my heart racing. <\/span>\n\nI knew then, that I had to get out before all of this spiralled into a nervous breakdown. Yet, I could only speak of her with a tinge of guilt \u2013 and for long, attempted to excuse her behaviour away. Because for some strange reason, I felt I was doing my <\/span>feminism<\/span><\/a> a disservice by calling her behaviour out. <\/span>\n\nI\u2019m not the only one who feels this way. In a 2017 <\/span>long-form article<\/span><\/a> titled \u201cWhy Do Women Bully Each Other at Work?\u201d published by The Atlantic, the reporter Olga Khazan described the guilt and antagonism she faced from women respondents while reporting the story. She cites exhaustive studies, including one with 60,000 respondents, where women, \u201ceven those who were managers themselves \u2013 were more likely to want a male boss than a female one\u201d. Khazan writes: \u201cSome people find these studies literally incredible… And indeed, it is hard to believe that women would hold a fierce bias against members of their own <\/span>gender<\/span><\/a>. Perhaps in part because it\u2019s such a thorny topic, this phenomenon tends to be either dismissed (nothing to see here) or written off as inevitable (women are inherently catty). But in fact, psychologists have been attempting to explain it for decades \u2013 and the sum of their findings suggests that women aren\u2019t the villains of this story.\u201d<\/span>\n\nG certainly is the villain of my story, and those of others. <\/span>Tales<\/span><\/a> of her unabashedly trampling over anyone who came in her way, or was perceived as a threat, thrived. She had no friends, but had a couple of allies who operated in exactly the same way, viciously clinging to power by squashing all fight out of those around them. <\/span>\n\nI often think about my last day in that office. I tied up every loose end so there would be no reason for anyone to get in touch with me, packed up my stuff, and left. No one said a word. No goodbye emails or good luck <\/span>hugs<\/span><\/a> were exchanged. <\/span>\n\nI remember laughing when I read the customary question asking for the reason for my departure in my exit interview paperwork. What was I going to tell them? That the woman they\u2019d hired and even recently <\/span>promoted<\/span><\/a>, was in the habit of mentally harassing her subordinates? They knew, had known for a long time, but had chosen to look the other way \u2013 just the way serial <\/span>sexual harassers<\/span><\/a> continue to find better jobs. <\/span>\n\nFor many weeks after <\/span>quitting<\/span><\/a>, I\u2019d go over our emails and messages to make sense of my hellish few months, and often found myself stunned by G\u2019s ingenuity. Like all mental abuse, read in isolation, each exchange seemed like the sharp words of an ill-tempered, irascible boss. To the casual observer, she could be faulted for being cold and disapproving. But only the person whose mind is being toyed with can understand the sinister sub-text lurking under what is being said, and what is meant to be understood. <\/span>\n\nIt wasn\u2019t a gender thing<\/span><\/a> \u2014 rotten people are rotten no matter what \u2014 but her gender definitely protected her; she knew it, and had milked it to her advantage for years. In progressive industries like mine, few women want to admit that another woman is unfit for the job. How was I going to admit, even to myself, that my powerful female boss was a monster, while at the same time complaining about the lack of women in leadership positions? The irony of my feminism keeping me in an unhealthy, abusive work relationship was cruel, and the realisation uncomfortable. <\/span>\n\nWhile most large companies will at least <\/span>pay<\/span><\/a> lip service to the idea of a complaints mechanism to report sexual abuse, there is absolutely no recourse in place for situations when your boss chooses abuse of the mental kind to break you down, even if you\u2019re lucky enough to recognise it for what it is. You can demand redressal for the scars left due to <\/span>sexual assault<\/span><\/a>, but who do you hold accountable for the deep scars that mental abuse leaves behind?<\/span>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In progressive industries like mine, few women want to complain against another woman. How was I going to admit, even to myself, that my powerful female boss was a monster, while simultaneously complaining about the lack of women in leadership positions?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":278,"featured_media":3817,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[170],"tags":[4348,3429,4748,2592,7149,4727,4697,735],"class_list":["post-3816","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-gender","tag-abuse","tag-boss","tag-corporate","tag-gender","tag-horrible-bosses","tag-office","tag-toxic","tag-women"],"yoast_head":"\nWhy Women Are Afraid of Calling Out Toxic Women Bosses<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"In progressive industries like mine, few women want to complain against another woman. 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