{"id":3646,"date":"2016-05-18T13:51:24","date_gmt":"2016-05-18T08:21:24","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=3646"},"modified":"2016-05-18T13:51:24","modified_gmt":"2016-05-18T08:21:24","slug":"apologies-men-women-vocabulary-metoo","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=3646","title":{"rendered":"Sorry Seems to Be the Easiest Word: Why Women Apologise So Much"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

\u201cH<\/span>urry up! Why do you always take so long?\u201d my friend grumbled while rolling her eyes at me. I have a degree in <\/p>painting<\/span><\/a>, which I was using at the time to artfully apply concealer to a zit on my face, but I interrupted my masterpiece to turn around and mumble, \u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d As I scurried to gather my things and head out, I accidentally stepped on a mat, and promptly muttered another \u201csorry\u201d under my breath. Yes, I even seek forgiveness from literal doormats.<\/span>\n\nTinges of contrition crop up in my speech in varying degrees, and my pangs of conscience are more frequent \u2013 and, perhaps, more soul-gnawing \u2013 than my menstrual cramps. Growing up as a girl in an acutely conservative middle-class family in a small town, I was always taught to dot the i\u2019s and cross the t\u2019s when it came to minding my p\u2019s and q\u2019s; the perfect ingredients for a cocktail known as social anxiety. And having struggled with this <\/span>social anxiety <\/span><\/a>for as long as I can conceivably recall, it wouldn\u2019t surprise me if I were to discover that \u201csorry\u201d is the most-recurring word in my vocabulary. My daily tally of apologies is likely greater than the number of boundaries in a Virat Kohli innings or shimmies in a Katrina Kaif item number.<\/span>\n\nBut I\u2019m not alone; most of the women I know, or interact with also dwell in this state of constant apology. Beginning our sentences with \u201cSorry, but\u2026,\u201d or \u201cI may be wrong, but\u2026,\u201d more often than we would like to admit, we let our words balk and cower, rather than assert. That\u2019s because across barriers of caste, class, and even <\/span>geography<\/span><\/a>, women are, more often than not, cut from this same fibre of self-reproach, developing an institutionalised instinct to be seen and not heard, where drawing attention to yourself is a source of shame.<\/span>\n\nAnd men? I think men will be able to give birth before they learn to craft a decent apology. As the <\/span>#MeToo<\/span><\/a> climate has so visibly demonstrated, even if men somehow \u2013 by an unfathomable and compelling force of nature (or mounting accusations) \u2013 manage to vanquish their innate pig-headedness and bring themselves to apologise, it\u2019s mostly a non-sequitur rambling laced with oodles of entitlement. <\/span>\n

Beginning our sentences with \u201cSorry, but\u2026,\u201d or \u201cI may be wrong, but\u2026,\u201d more often than we would like to admit, we let our words balk and cower.<\/blockquote>\nThe spectrum of male defences to being accused of sexual harassment spans classics like \u201cI was molested as a child too\u201d, \u201cI have female friends, who have been sexually abused\u201d, \u201cI am a member of the LGBTQ+ community, FYI\u201d, \u201cI am in a committed relationship\u201d, \u201cI belong to a caste\/class-based minority\u201d, and the like. Forgive me, but my brain is having a rather tough time deciding whether to be astounded by their sheer, staggering audacity, or be distressed by their abject (and, perhaps, wilful) lack of self-awareness.<\/span>\n\nBrooklyn-based writer and counsellor Rae Jacobson <\/span>says<\/span><\/a>, \u201cIf a boy wins a race, he\u2019s less likely to consider how his victory affected his competitors, whereas a girl might win and be happy for it, but downplay her success out of concern for the loser\u2019s feelings.\u201d <\/span>\n\nAs women, most of us aren\u2019t strangers to the crippling sense of self-doubt that was termed as <\/span>\u201cimpostor syndrome\u201d<\/span><\/a> sometime in the \u201970s. I don\u2019t think I deserve my job. I think I just got lucky with it. I feel like a fraud, a phoney. But, you know who else feels this way about their success? Meryl Streep, Maya Angelou, Tina Fey, Michelle Obama! I could go on. This is precisely why women hesitate before asking for raises and suck at negotiating salaries \u2013 because we are not convinced we deserve it. <\/span>\n\nSo, how does \u201csorry\u201d become so deeply embedded into the human DNA the moment two X-chromosomes come together? <\/span>\n\nIn his book, <\/span>The Triple Bind<\/span><\/i>, clinical psychologist Dr Stephen Hinshaw terms the rather caustic codes of conduct imposed by society upon <\/span>women <\/span><\/a>as an \u201cimpossible set of standards\u201d. He believes that the utterly baffling instruction manuals dumped on young, impressionable women containing dictums like \u201cbe confident, but not conceited\u201d, \u201cbe smart, but not a know-it-all\u201d, and \u201cassert, but you must never upset\u201d makes them hyper-aware of how their actions affect the people around them.<\/span>\n\nA <\/span>study<\/span><\/a> conducted by doctoral students in Canada found that it\u2019s not that men are reluctant to admit wrongdoing; it\u2019s just that they have a higher threshold for what they think warrants reparation. The researchers speculate that \u201cwomen might have a lower threshold for what requires an apology because they are more concerned with the emotional experiences of others and in promoting harmony in their relationships.\u201d Huh. It\u2019s not at all surprising that the onus to maintain and sustain relationships is on women, obviously. <\/span>\n\nSo, a gazillion pink shots down, when I\u2019m just about beginning to sway to the music being blared by some conceited <\/span>DJ <\/span><\/a>at the club, I can\u2019t relate to Justin Bieber crooning, \u201cIs it too late now to say sorry?\u201d Sorry, dude, my jam has to be some soul-scarring song that apologises for apologising too much.<\/span>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My daily tally of apologies is likely greater than the number of shimmies in a Katrina Kaif item number. Most of the women I know also dwell in this state of constant apology. Why is \u201csorry\u201d such an embedded part of women\u2019s vocabulary?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":222,"featured_media":3647,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[170],"tags":[2588,6845,2402,803,6846,6847,735,6848],"class_list":["post-3646","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-gender","tag-metoo","tag-apologies","tag-men","tag-sexual-harassment","tag-study","tag-vocabulary","tag-women","tag-wrongdoings"],"yoast_head":"\nSorry Seems to Be the Easiest Word: Why Women Apologise So Much<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"My daily tally of apologies is likely greater than the number of shimmies in a Katrina Kaif item number. 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