{"id":3626,"date":"2016-04-03T18:25:58","date_gmt":"2016-04-03T12:55:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=3626"},"modified":"2016-04-03T18:25:58","modified_gmt":"2016-04-03T12:55:58","slug":"bhai-dooj-parenting-daughters-childhood","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=3626","title":{"rendered":"Why Do We Celebrate Bhai Dooj but Ridicule Karwa Chauth?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

B<\/span>hai Dooj was fairly uncomplicated in my childhood. <\/p>Brothers<\/span><\/a> were special, and you\u00a0prayed for their long life by putting a tilak on their forehead so that they always loved and protected you. If there was a competition based on who protected a woman the best, a brother would be in the third runner-up position, right after the father and <\/span>husband<\/span><\/a>. It wasn\u2019t that long ago when it was the duty of the brother to man up and step into the role of security guard, driver, and banker if the other two options weren\u2019t available. Most women thought nothing about being coddled by this holy trinity of father-husband-brother like a piece of fragile, expensive crockery that needed delicate handling. <\/span>\n\nWhen a woman is not praying for the long life of her husband, she is probably praying for the long life of her brother, even if the brother in question is a scrawny five-year-old with two missing front teeth.<\/span>\n\nThings are a little different these days with my daughter and son. My son is six years older and 10 inches taller, yet he has the soft heart of Nicholas Sparks and the timidity of Clark Kent. Every year his bossy, matter-of-fact <\/span>sister<\/span><\/a> yells at him to stand still while she performs the Bhai Dooj aarti. My son always rolls his eyes, fidgets impatiently, and sighs in agony through the whole ordeal, yet he always does what she asks. It\u2019s quite apparent that between the two, my daughter is always going to be the dominant one doing all the protecting. Yet, I let them indulge in this festival because it\u2019s harmless fun. Or is it?<\/span>\n\nIt can be so cute when two chubby pre-schoolers dressed in their little lehengas and kurtas take part in these traditional hijinks, but when these ideas continue to be reinforced year after year, they do have consequences. Here\u2019s a hypothesis: Equality in intimate relationships in adulthood is only possible if there has been equality between siblings during childhood years. Yet, people who are extremely vocal about the inherent patriarchy of festivals like <\/span>Karwa Chauth<\/span><\/a> still give Bhai Dooj a hall pass.\u00a0Why? This is a strange dichotomy, because both festivals are based on the same concept that the male is stronger than the female.<\/span>\n

Going against the collective power of your parenting peers could possibly impact how your children are perceived and treated by society.<\/blockquote>\nI hear many <\/span>parents<\/span><\/a> bragging about treating their sons and daughters equally and equality between siblings is easy in childhood. You cheer your son at his Bollywood dance class just as enthusiastically as you encourage your daughter to learn Krav Maga. You help your daughter with her Algebra homework just as earnestly as you bake brownies with your son. It\u2019s only when they hit puberty that things start getting a bit tricky and the peppy determination you had about gender-neutral parenting begins to falter. <\/span>\n\n\u201cPlease don\u2019t encourage dinners and sleepovers,\u201d pleaded the mother of my 14-year old daughter\u2019s friend a few months ago, in a tone that insinuated that I was way too <\/span>lenient<\/span><\/a>. \u201cLet them only meet for lunch. Times are not as safe as they were before,\u201d she added, making me wonder when times were ever safe for women and whether that means that girls shouldn\u2019t have any fun. So against my will, my daughter stopped going to sleepovers and birthday dinners even though my son did so at her age, simply because none of her friends\u2019 parents approved. <\/span>\n\nThat\u2019s hardly the end of it. <\/span>Hushed comments<\/span><\/a> are passed among parents and teachers \u2013 people who should know better \u2013 about girls who \u201cdress inappropriately\u201d or are \u201ctoo friendly\u201d with boys. So as a petrified mom, I nudge my daughter with the diplomacy worthy of the UN into wearing clothes that <\/span>cover more<\/span><\/a> and surreptitiously supervise mixed gender outings with the stealth of James Bond. <\/span>\n\nEven the discussions between parents change as children veer toward adulthood. Casual acquaintances, who were perfectly happy talking about the weather or the latest political or filmy controversy, begin to take a deep interest in the son\u2019s career choices and the daughter\u2019s looks because at the end of the day, it seems that all that matters is that the son get a well-paying job by the time he is 21 and the daughter be pretty enough to attract somebody else\u2019s son with a well-paying job. And I admit I\u2019ve fallen prey to that trap and have been guilty of being more concerned about my son\u2019s career choices compared to my daughter\u2019s \u2013 because sons are still married in and daughters are \u201cmarried off\u201d. <\/span>\n\nI have noticed a subtle transformation in my daughter\u2019s bold and take-charge personality quite like Anjali\u2019s in <\/span>Kuch Kuch Hota Hai<\/span><\/i><\/a>,<\/span> as she enters her teens. Most people would find it quite charming; she is more feminine and polite. I am pleased \u2013 even as a part of me wonders if it\u2019s just a girly thing or the subtle conditioning of society \u2013 because if I had to choose\u00a0between being a good mother and a <\/span>feminist<\/span><\/a>, the mother would always win. <\/span>\n\nGender-neutral parenting is fun to talk about but a tough act to follow in real life. Going against the collective power of your parenting peers could possibly impact how your children are perceived and treated by society. It\u2019s hard to admit that I am a cowardly hypocrite. It\u2019s a constant struggle for me to be completely fair to both my children and make them fit into society\u2019s expectations of them. <\/span>\n\nLuckily for me, I seem to have done something right. Though it felt unfair at the time, something good did come out of the dinner-sleepover episode. In the interest of fairness, my son too stopped going out with his friends at night. I applauded his decision because it validated my belief that for men and women to be equal, it\u2019s not enough to make our daughters stronger \u2013 it is just as important to teach our sons to make sacrifices, and sisters are a great way to practice. That\u2019s what the spirit of Bhai Dooj is all about.<\/span>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

We are extremely vocal about the inherent patriarchy of festivals like Karwa Chauth, but we still celebrate Bhai Dooj. This is a strange dichotomy because both festivals are based on the same concept \u2013 that man is stronger than woman, who is always in need of protection.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":179,"featured_media":3627,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[107],"tags":[910,954,4978,6825,2633,471,6826],"class_list":["post-3626","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-pov","tag-bhai-dooj","tag-daughter","tag-equality","tag-gender-neutral","tag-indian-parents","tag-parenting","tag-sons"],"yoast_head":"\nWhy Do We Celebrate Bhai Dooj but Ridicule Karwa Chauth?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"We are extremely vocal about the inherent patriarchy of festivals like Karwa Chauth, but we still celebrate Bhai Dooj. 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