{"id":3534,"date":"2016-05-24T10:30:04","date_gmt":"2016-05-24T05:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=3534"},"modified":"2016-05-24T10:30:04","modified_gmt":"2016-05-24T05:00:04","slug":"a-love-letter-to-my-big-fat-body","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=3534","title":{"rendered":"A Long Overdue Love Letter to My Big, Fat Body"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

D<\/span><\/p><\/div>

\near brain, I need to you to be quiet here for a moment, because I\u2019m talking to the rest of us. Seriously, shush! You\u2019ve been talking <\/span>to<\/span><\/i> me and <\/span>over<\/span><\/i> me for over a quarter of a century and I\u2019ve listened and followed you meekly and reacted to everything you\u2019ve had to say. My <\/span>life<\/span><\/a> so far has been exactly that \u2013 a reaction to your oh-so-cerebral instructions and comments. I am thankful to you for so much else in my life, but right now I\u2019d like you to step down from the podium and let me take over. Because now I\u2019m talking to the other parts of myself \u2013 the parts that I’ve spent so long neglecting to accept: all of what the eye can see. <\/span>\n\nIt\u2019s going to be difficult addressing 17 years worth of hating the way you looked, how much you weighed, how even your irises aren\u2019t the same size, comparing you to everyone from your sisters to the girls in the train to even <\/span>Katrina Kaif<\/span><\/a> and Kareena Kapoor (\u201cif those KKs can be so hot, why can\u2019t you?\u201d). Oh shoot, I\u2019m sorry I ran off in that direction again. It might take a while, but I will be sincere in my efforts to love you.<\/span>\n\nI\u2019m embarrassed at how long it\u2019s taken me to realise how I\u2019d ruined our <\/span>relationship<\/span><\/a>. I should\u2019ve known better to begin with. But the first time someone said we were too fat was when we were only nine years old. What were we to do with such a comment, except accept it as fact and internalise it? And we took that to our tender heart so much that the word \u201c<\/span>fatso<\/span><\/a>\u201d still echoes with every heartbeat. Since then, we\u2019ve brushed off every other compliment that came to us \u2013 \u201cYou\u2019re so smart!\u201d, \u201cYou\u2019re such a sincere child!\u201d, \u201cYou are very good at art, keep at it\u201d \u2013 because all we were looking for was \u201cYou\u2019re beautiful.\u201d <\/span>\n\nActually, I take that back; not we, it was me. As I looked for \u201cYou\u2019re <\/span>beautiful<\/span><\/a>,\u201d I forgot to love you. I forgot that you loved me so much and I just couldn\u2019t see it. <\/span>\n\nI didn\u2019t give you food for days. I made you run while you fasted. I kept you thirsty to make the numbers move. I got us to do all this, and so much other wonky shit (hello cabbage soup diet, five-bite diet, the GM diet, periodic visits to passive slimming clinics while fasting for <\/span>Ramzaan<\/span><\/a>). I chased something I didn\u2019t even know we wanted, with mindless passion, overworking an already shrinking soul. <\/span>\n\n

And so this is my declaration of surrender. I\u2019m waving this white flag and hanging up my gloves. I\u2019m done fighting you. I\u2019m done being on the other side of you. Because I realise now, we are one.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\nIf I did what I did to you to someone else, that would be <\/span>abuse<\/span><\/a>. That said, I would never do to someone else what I do to you. I took you for granted from the moment I saw you in the mirror. I hated you and you loved me. You kept me whole, even when I tried to break you; you kept me alive, even when I told you I\u2019d rather kill you.<\/span>\n\nWhat I couldn\u2019t see in all those years, blinded as I was, that you were my blanket when I was cold, my canvas when I felt like art. You took the fall when it was me who fell, you took (and healed) the wounds when I hurt myself. The cruel and <\/span>judgemental<\/span><\/a> things I told you are still seared in my memory. A chant of \u201cYou\u2019re so ugly\u201d, \u201cWho would love you?\u201d, and \u201cNobody really likes you.\u201d<\/span>\n\nI have so much to apologise for. For all the times I caught your eye and looked away. For the time I saw you in a photo and made a face. For the times you were so kind to me and I was \u2013 for lack of a better word \u2013 an asshole. (Sorry, asshole. I mean no offence.)<\/span>\n\nI\u2019ve been in this one-sided fight for such a long time, and it feels like this <\/span>fight<\/span><\/a> could last forever. But I am tired of fighting you. Why throw these punches, when you simply absorb them? Why, when I throw you down, all you do is get back up? When I\u2019m running towards you with anger seething in my being, you just smile. Why do you not give up? Why do you not tap out? Why do you continue being on my side while still fighting me? <\/span>\n\nAnd so this is my declaration of surrender. I\u2019m waving this white flag and hanging up my gloves. I\u2019m done fighting you. I\u2019m done being on the other side of you. Because I realise now, we are one.<\/span>\n\nIt\u2019s taken me an idiotically long period of time to realise we\u2019ve always been on the same side \u2013 that I haven\u2019t been fighting you, but it\u2019s you who has been fighting this burden I\u2019ve been carrying. You\u2019ve been keeping me safe and wholesome for this one day when I have decided to give in and love you back. <\/span>\n\nI\u2019m so sorry for all these years. I don\u2019t know how to make up for them. I don\u2019t even know how a person could be capable of harbouring so much hate for themselves. Diye tale itna andhera?<\/span> But from this moment on, I will love you, and I will tell you that I love you. I will treat you like you deserve to be treated. Take you out on dates, adorn you with jewels. It took me so long to realise that the \u201cYou\u2019re beautiful\u201d that you were looking for, was from me. From a me that is you. I\u2019m beautiful. And I love myself.<\/span>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I have so much to apologise to my perfectly imperfect body for. For all the times I caught your eye and looked away. For the times I saw you in a photo and made a face. As I looked for \u201cYou\u2019re beautiful\u201d, I forgot to love you. I forgot that you loved me so much and I just couldn\u2019t see it.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":218,"featured_media":3535,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[107],"tags":[4616,6690,6691],"class_list":["post-3534","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-pov","tag-body","tag-fat","tag-letter"],"yoast_head":"\nA Long Overdue Love Letter to My Big, Fat Body<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I have so much to apologise to my perfectly imperfect body for. For all the times I caught your eye and looked away. For the times I saw you in a photo and made a face. 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