{"id":3328,"date":"2016-07-07T06:02:00","date_gmt":"2016-07-07T00:32:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=3328"},"modified":"2016-07-07T06:02:00","modified_gmt":"2016-07-07T00:32:00","slug":"muslim-family-weddings-nikaah","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=3328","title":{"rendered":"Family Weddings & Cousins Who Turn Into Prospective Grooms: Why I Don\u2019t Attend Nikaahs"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

I<\/span><\/p><\/div>

t was around the fifth time when I sought my <\/span>parents\u2019<\/span><\/a> permission to skip a cousin\u2019s wedding over a <\/span>school-related<\/span><\/a> thing that had \u201ccompulsory attendance\u201d that they started becoming suspicious. They knew I wasn\u2019t up to any mischief and had only one best friend, so leaving me behind wasn\u2019t really a problem. It\u2019s just that it was uncharacteristic. <\/span>\n\nIt\u2019s not that I\u2019m introverted or I don\u2019t like attending <\/span>weddings<\/span><\/a>. The shararas, the jhumkas, the dolling up, the all-round prettiness, and damn, the food… weddings are my jam. But only when someone I\u2019m <\/span>not related to<\/span><\/i> is getting <\/span>married<\/span><\/a>. You see, being <\/span>Muslim<\/span><\/a> comes with superb benefits, like say, not being reborn \u2013 but the yin to this yang is that I can also marry a cousin.<\/span>\n\nLet that sink in. Which means the potential of a cousin to morph overnight into a prospective groom is 100 per cent. Which means <\/span>family weddings<\/span><\/a> turn into an IRL version of <\/span>Minder<\/span><\/a> (Muslim Tinder). And I have many feelings about that. \u00a0<\/span>\n\nAt a wedding, I have filled up my plate with starters and sat in one place with a good view, looking around at my cousins <\/span>long-distance<\/span><\/a> flirting. Picture this: Cousin Alif, the one whom we only know by name, who lives in an obscure town and appears only at weddings is all grown up now and is of the age where everyone knows his hormones are raging. Cousin Bey lives in my village and we meet when I visit there, and of course, at weddings. She is in second year of college, and has not spent a minute in skinny jeans. <\/span>Cousin<\/span><\/a> Alif and cousin Bey \u2013 who are first cousins and ought to celebrate <\/span>Raksha Bandhan<\/span><\/a> \u2013 are finding ways to cross each other\u2019s paths and won\u2019t stop smiling at each other.<\/span>\n\n

All of this is undone by the scientific argument that marrying cousins might result in genetic problems.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\nTheir <\/span>parents<\/span><\/a> notice this from the other side of the pandal. I wonder if I need to swap my plate for a tub of <\/span>popcorn<\/span><\/a> to witness what\u2019s about to go down. But where I expect to see shock and fury, I see sly smiles that indicate, \u201cIss rishte ko gehri rishtedaari mein badalne ka waqt aa gaya hai.\u201d I all but choke on my reshmi kebab.<\/span>\n\nNow, marrying cousins is a common practice not limited to the <\/span>Muslim<\/span><\/a> community \u2013 Jewish people, as well as parts of Indian <\/span>Christian<\/span><\/a> and some <\/span>Hindu<\/span><\/a> communities follow it. Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein were married to their cousins. Einstein\u2019s marriage was another of level of being related. His second <\/span>wife<\/span><\/a>, Elsa Einstein, was his first cousin on his mum\u2019s side, and their dads were first cousins as well. <\/span>\n\nTo some extent, marriage within the extended family makes sense. First off, finding suitable people to partner up with is difficult business \u2013 this is not just a <\/span>millennial<\/span><\/a> problem; it\u2019s always been a problem no matter what generation you belong to. So marrying within the family gets rid of one part of the problem, because, presumably, you\u2019re stepping into tested waters of shared values. <\/span>\n\nAll of this is undone by the scientific argument that marrying cousins might result in genetic problems. As <\/span>Popular Science<\/span><\/a> explains it, \u201cIn biology, genetic diversity is all the rage. If something goes wrong with the genetic material provided to you by your mom, you\u2019re more likely to shake it off if your dad\u2019s genetic material is very different\u2026 If mom and dad are genetically similar, however, both versions of a gene are likely to shut down at the same time.\u201d <\/span>\n\n

To a regular person, we\u2019re just cousins hanging out. To an aunt who barely knows us, we\u2019re an occasion for a new zardozi sari.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\nNow that that\u2019s out of the way, I have to say the reason I choke on my reshmis is because I believe the practice of marrying cousins ruins beautiful <\/span>relationships<\/span><\/a> in more ways than one. <\/span>\n\nAs someone with two older sisters, I\u2019ve often wondered how it would be to have a <\/span>brother<\/span><\/a>. To which my friends have said, \u201cBut you must have cousins. It\u2019s about the same.\u201d How do I tell you, oh naive Hindu buddy, what I\u2019d give to be brotherly with my boy cousins. <\/span>\n\nI feel like I might have missed out on building deeper, <\/span>platonic relationships<\/span><\/a> with some people who are so much like me (cuz we related). Imagine being introduced to someone as a sister and being friends with them, then suddenly you\u2019re both young-adults and you can\u2019t hang out anymore because your hormones want to party and the adults have decided you\u2019re no longer brother and sister but are eligible for a romantic relationship. And then you grow up in this weird place where you really like your brother and he likes you too, but you start distancing from each other because of this sudden new paradigm.<\/span>\n\nMy aunts spent a lot of time linking my name with cousins who were around my age, going as far as convincing me I was going to marry one of them. Not gonna lie, I did have a <\/span>crush<\/span><\/a> on a cousin, but after immediately chugging a litre of zamzam I had detoxed from that thought. <\/span>\n\nMy favourite cousin brother and I\u2019ve always shared a great rapport, so naturally, we hang together at our mutual cousins\u2019 <\/span>weddings<\/span><\/a>. To a regular person, we\u2019re just cousins hanging out. To an aunt who barely knows us, we\u2019re an occasion for a new zardozi sari. The news that he and I are \u201cspending too much time together\u201d spreads in the pandal faster than the review on the starters. And this has resulted in me having the-opposite-of-wholesome <\/span>relationships<\/span><\/a> with any boy cousin who is between one to five years older to me. <\/span>\n\nThe strangest effect of this is the strain it causes on relationships between girl cousins. As they also went through a similar brainwash of looking at cousins like suitors, there is sometimes a crush-clash and then things become weird between us all. I\u2019ve seen cousins marrying someone they knew the other cousin was betrothed to and now the two <\/span>families<\/span><\/a> don\u2019t talk to each other even though they\u2019re closely related. <\/span>\n\nWe risk having stunted inter-personal relationships because of this one practice. So as someone who cherishes deep and meaningful relationships, I\u2019d like to see if not the practice, the way we approach it, change. <\/span>\n\nI, for one, have vehemently started suffixing \u201cBhai\u201d or \u201c<\/span>Bhaiyya<\/span><\/a>\u201d with my cousins\u2019 names (no \u201cBhaijaan\u201d because it\u2019s half romantic.) When my aunts tease me, I give it right back. I am open with my cousins on who I\u2019m crushing on, and in turn they share their crushes with me. So if it\u2019s a cousin they like, they have my support. I\u2019m still skipping weddings but I make sure to meet my cousins otherwise, without the pressure of being watched by elders. <\/span>\n\nHopefully, somewhere down the line, the olds will realise this slow, low-key rebellion, and I will be able to start attending weddings again. My new sharara is waiting.<\/span>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I\u2019ve imposed a ban on attending nikaahs within the family. Being Muslim means that I can marry a cousin. Which means the potential of a \u201cbhaijaan\u201d to morph overnight into a prospective groom is 100 per cent and family weddings turn into a cringey, IRL version of Minder.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":218,"featured_media":3329,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[107],"tags":[2316,18,1381,6445,1382,6446],"class_list":["post-3328","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-pov","tag-christian","tag-family","tag-hindu","tag-marrying-cousins","tag-muslim","tag-muslim-weddings"],"yoast_head":"\nFamily Weddings & Cousins Who Turn Into Prospective Grooms: Why I Don\u2019t Attend Nikaahs<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I\u2019ve imposed a ban on attending nikaahs within the family. 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