{"id":3035,"date":"2016-07-16T09:08:55","date_gmt":"2016-07-16T03:38:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=3035"},"modified":"2016-07-16T09:08:55","modified_gmt":"2016-07-16T03:38:55","slug":"texting-tinder-online-love","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=3035","title":{"rendered":"\u201cDid You Had Dinner?\u201d Why We Shouldn\u2019t Judge Romantic Prospects By the Way They Text"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

U<\/span><\/p>nlike conventional <\/span>millennial<\/span><\/a> norms that pitch <\/span>dating apps<\/span><\/a> as a constant carousel of never-ending sex, I think of them as the introvert\u2019s opportunity to step out of her cocoon of geekiness. It is an opportunity to \u201csocialise\u201d \u2013 something I\u2019ve never done in my life, being mumma\u2019s favourite daughter and a former nerd. After all, who was I to reject the divine advice of Cosmopolitan and Thought Catalog urging me to \u201cput myself out there\u201d? <\/span>\n\nAs it turns out, to reach that point of actual socialising via any such app, requires large doses of that most annoying of modern-day pastimes \u2013 texting.<\/span>\n\nTexting need not be complicated when the matched twosome have a precise command over a language, similar styles of texting habits, and are into each other with the same level of interest. But it turns complicated if any, or all of these criteria are not met \u2013 as is most often the reality. Having gone through multiple instances of promising online <\/span>matches<\/span><\/a> turning out to be dispiriting first dates, I\u2019ve come to realise that it is never two <\/span>people<\/span><\/i> who match on these apps, it is their <\/span>textual alter egos<\/span><\/i> that do. <\/span>\n\nWell, how else do you explain the combined disappointment of this generation\u2019s <\/span>first dates<\/span><\/a> failing to match up to expectations? Obviously, the expectations would have to be based on what our image of their textual alter ego was \u2013 not on who the other person actually was. <\/span>\n\nThe flip side of this modern love story (or lack thereof) is when our expectations are indeed met, or maybe even exceeded. This, if you ask me, is where dangerous territory begins. My first experience of meeting someone off the <\/span>virtual world<\/span><\/a> happened some years ago, when I met X. I thought we were already off to a good start, since we had spent a lot of time texting (rookie mistake). It took me a year to figure out that the person I\u2019d thought of as kind, gentle, and, caring \u2013 based solely on my callow interpretation of that imprudently long phase of textual affections \u2013 was actually a compulsively lying and emotionally abusive sociopath. <\/span>\n

We\u2019ve broken down the single most important unit of a young relationship \u2013 conversation \u2013 into countless globules of never-ending banter, spread across an extended timeline.<\/blockquote>\nI\u2019d fallen for his textual alter ego, and since that had seemed so perfect so early on in the relationship, the rose-tinted glasses never left my eyes, and it took me far too long to see the vile truth that had been gaping at me all along.<\/span>\n\nI\u2019ve come to think that the easy accessibility of <\/span>smartphones<\/span><\/a> does not allow online dating to be as self-evolving as it can be. We\u2019ve broken down the single most important unit of a young relationship \u2013 conversation \u2013 into countless globules of never-ending banter, spread across an extended timeline. Send me a cookie if you do this: When you e-meet someone new, you fill every other eventless moment through the day with <\/span>blas\u00e9 observations, passing thoughts about minor things, pointless whining about <\/span>Uber<\/span><\/a> drivers, and other mindless repartee. These are typed out for your romantic interest to devour initially (because of the exciting newness), and ignore or resent eventually (because there <\/span>is<\/span><\/i> such a thing as knowing someone too much, too soon). I\u2019ve a feeling I will end up with a lot of cookies. <\/span>\n\nI suppose it makes sense. We are <\/span>millennials<\/span><\/a>. We see our phone screens first thing in the morning and last thing at night. We cross roads with our <\/span>earphones<\/span><\/a> plugged in and our attentions plugged out. We need entertainment every morning, even amid the stench of biology doing its work. Then why, oh why, must our minds not be accustomed to judging people by how, when, and what they text, rather than who they are? If there is indeed a way to really know people. <\/span>\n\nPop psychology has already theorised about how notifications are now our everyday dopamine fix and social media a channel for our deepest insecurities. Online <\/span>dating<\/span><\/a> combines them both, by nurturing a rigorous cycle of chasing and being chased that lasts for almost as long as a match does.<\/span>\n\nHence, the superfluity of subreddits that ask \u201cis he\/she into me?\u201d Hence, our unending conversations about the nuances of <\/span>Tinder<\/span><\/a>. Hence, our meandering attention that, ever so often, strays from the work screen to the phone screen, in hopes of getting a response or a first text from someone whose textual alter ego our textual alter ego has deemed attractive. Hence, our faux hatred for someone appearing too keen by texting all the time \u2013 \u201cfaux\u201d because when they stop, we miss their attention, for it was briefly fixing the bruises our impaled ego had suffered by the lack of attention from someone we do like. <\/span>\n\nThe danger I see, specifically in the sphere of romance and relationships, is that we might be reducing people we meet online into blobs of binary code, instead of viewing them as the complex molecular beings we are.<\/span>\n\nThink about it. That guy you\u2019re not responding to because his ice-breaker is a non-unique salutation could be someone with a vibrant personality or a good heart, who can\u2019t come up with <\/span>pick-up lines<\/span><\/a>. That girl who seems too eager because she doesn\u2019t wait for too long between her responses might just be a fast texter by habit. That person who occasionally makes a grammatical mistake might be a fabulous football player, or something. You get the drift. <\/span>\n\nWe are doing this to ourselves and we are doing this to each other. We come up with lofty, detailed concepts of who we want, when in reality, we are letting our minds \u2013 overfed with pop culture \u2013 decide what and who is \u201ccool\u201d and \u201cinteresting\u201d, and latch on to it. So someone who kick-boxes <\/span>and<\/span><\/i> plays the guitar <\/span>and<\/span><\/i> writes for the New York Times is now an object of our desire, even if they repeatedly blow hot and cold with us. We wouldn\u2019t expect <\/span>House MD<\/span><\/a> or <\/span>Sherlock<\/span><\/a> or Light Yagami or Arya Stark to be nice and emotionally available to us. Brilliance and warmth, after all, often don\u2019t go together. Why would we, then, expect the same of our romantic interests?<\/span>\n\nBy all means, do it. Let your subliminal ideas of who is and isn\u2019t interesting shape your love life. But maybe, sooner rather than later, give the person <\/span>behind<\/span><\/i> the screen, rather than their <\/span>profile<\/span><\/i> on your screen, a real fucking chanc\u2026 <\/span>\n\n\u2026 aaand here comes his text\u2026 bye guys!<\/span>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

To reach a point of actual socialising via any dating app, requires large doses of that most annoying of modern-day pastimes \u2013 texting. It is never two people who match on these apps, it is their textual alter egos that do.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":267,"featured_media":3036,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[15],"tags":[5972,505,5973,224,427,5974,1051],"class_list":["post-3035","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-love-and-sex","tag-conversation","tag-dating","tag-digital","tag-love","tag-online","tag-texts","tag-tinder"],"yoast_head":"\n\u201cDid You Had Dinner?\u201d Why We Shouldn\u2019t Judge Romantic Prospects By the Way They Text<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"To reach a point of actual socialising via any dating app, requires large doses of that most annoying of modern-day pastimes \u2013 texting. 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