{"id":2872,"date":"2016-03-28T20:13:40","date_gmt":"2016-03-28T14:43:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=2872"},"modified":"2016-03-28T20:13:40","modified_gmt":"2016-03-28T14:43:40","slug":"indian-family-gathering-dinner-food","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=2872","title":{"rendered":"Shortest Horror Story Ever: The Indian Family Gathering"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

L<\/span><\/p><\/div>

ast month, I embarked on a much-needed annual spring-cleaning ritual of reluctantly throwing away things I was convinced would be useful in the future. This included a massive tower of textbooks, which I promptly toppled by pulling out my scorned fourth-grade Social Sciences textbook. A few glances through its musty pages led me to the saddening realisation that our entire human civilisation was once just a big peaceful clan of hunter gatherers. Of course they were \u2013 not one of them ever had to attend a <\/span>family dinner<\/span><\/a>. <\/span>\n\nIf you\u2019ve been brought up in an Indian household, you\u2019ll know that a family gathering is never just a \u201cfamily\u201d gathering. It is more of an assembly of all your extended family relatives, whom you\u2019ve hardly spoken to, but are supposed to connect with because it\u2019s all about your loving your bloodline. This is an event that could go either way \u2013 flat-out boring or laugh-out-loud exciting, just like Uday Chopra\u2019s Twitter timeline.<\/span>\n\nThis legacy of torture attains its crescendo during festivities. You\u2019ll need a shield against all the needless fake camaraderie. \u201cKitne baadi ho gayi haain!\u201d \u201cBilkul apni Papa par gayi hain!\u201d Being forced into such conversations is like being dragged underwater for an eternity: you come out in urgent need of fresh air. <\/span>\n\nIf needless conversations with relatives you can\u2019t wait to bid goodbye to feels like an albatross around your neck, then Indian family dinners feel like a high-cholesterol-induced heart attack. They are the IRL equivalent of a well-preserved tape of a film you loathe played at a snail\u2019s pace. <\/span>\n\nInhibitions at this party are as much a scarcity, as ghee is aplenty. \u201cToh abhi kitna kamaati ho?\u201d your uncle will ask. Aunty will ask your cousin, \u201cToh koi girlfriend-wirlfriend hai teri?\u201d The ghosts of your <\/span>grandmother<\/span><\/a>, her dead brother\u2019s son, his daughter\u2019s dead cat, your dead uncle\u2019s <\/span>affair<\/span><\/a>, and your bua\u2019s scent follows you around, persistently nudging you to make merry with the uncomfortably intrusive crowd around you.<\/span>\n\nJust as you settle down on a sofa hoping to be left alone, your pesky neighbour will magically appear in front of you to loudly question you about the \u201cfriend\u201d who came over two days ago when your <\/span>parents<\/span><\/a> were away. You pray that your mum hasn\u2019t heard her, but the padoswali aunty is so loud that even the paanwala across the road probably heard it. Mother is already giving you the look, and as you brace yourself for the scolding, you\u2019ll find yourself being tasked with coddling your baby niece, who decides to smudge your silk kurta with pee. <\/span>\n\nNow you may think that the food would be a redeeming excuse to attend these annual rituals. You are in for an unpleasant surprise. This is going to look nothing like the food on Masterchef India, because every person is asked to prepare a dish that precedes their reputation. It\u2019s almost as if they\u2019ve got to earn their entry into an evening of fights, misunderstandings and emotional blackmail disguised as a night of family, love, and food. They call it \u201chomemade goodness\u201d when really, it is only the height of stinginess.<\/span>\n\nIf you belong to a<\/span> South Indian family<\/span><\/a> like mine, your mom will be requested to prepare two containers of curd rice. Your mom\u2019s sister\u2019s friend, who boasts of the most repelling kitchen known to mankind, will be in charge of desserts, and she\u2019ll obviously substitute ghee with oil. On the other hand, your aunt who shows off about employing an expensive cook will buy a packet of crisps on her way to the venue, coupled with a sorry excuse of a raita<\/span>.<\/span><\/i> One look at the spread will guarantee that you willingly choose to go on a <\/span>detox diet<\/span><\/a>, where all you consume is the tension that builds up in the air with each minute and every passive-aggressive glance.<\/span>\n\nDespite the fact that your stomach will be emptier at the end of the meal, you\u2019ll be expected to elegantly contrive your greedy face into a warm smile and congratulate the esteemed chefs on their \u201cdelicious food\u201d. Dying of hunger in a house full of food has to be the shortest horror story ever written.<\/span>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

An Indian family gathering could go either way \u2013 flat-out boring or laugh-out-loud exciting, just like Uday Chopra\u2019s Twitter timeline. There\u2019s your grandmother\u2019s ghost nudging you to be on your best behaviour and long-distance relatives asking intrusive questions about your salary.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":259,"featured_media":2873,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[107],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2872","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-pov"],"yoast_head":"\nShortest Horror Story Ever: The Indian Family Gathering<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"An Indian family gathering could go either way \u2013 flat-out boring or laugh-out-loud exciting, just like Uday Chopra\u2019s Twitter timeline. 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