{"id":2369,"date":"2016-04-22T09:09:13","date_gmt":"2016-04-22T03:39:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/new-parents-sex-life-parenthood\/"},"modified":"2016-04-22T09:09:13","modified_gmt":"2016-04-22T03:39:13","slug":"new-parents-sex-life-parenthood","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=2369","title":{"rendered":"The Invisible Sex Life of New Parents"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

I<\/span>f there was ever a full sentence that could be classified as an oxymoron, then this is it \u2013 The <\/p>Sex Life<\/a> of New Parents. Why, you ask? Well just like Donald Trump\u2019s<\/a> brain, it is non-existent. If it does exist, it is rare, awkward, and revolves around the bowel movements of your child. As terrible as that sounds, it\u2019s wholly true.\n\nWhat could easily be a listicle titled \u201c10 most awkward times my kid wanted to poop\u201d is actually my real life. My son<\/a> is all of three and freshly potty-trained. Yay, right? No. While I am celebrating the fact that he has checked a big milestone, the party was short-lived. He has made it his life\u2019s mission to find the most unique scenarios to take a dump. I have heard the sentence \u201cMamma\u2026 I want to potty\u201d… \u00a0in the following scenarios:\n\n\u2022At every movie<\/a> I have watched in the last year. So much so, that now, as soon as I buy the ticket, I pack a towel, baby wipes, and an extra pair of pants.\n\n\u2022At a friend\u2019s terrace party where I had to rush him down to the washroom in the slowest lift ever, trying to distract him with guess games on what colour potty it\u2019s going to be this time. (You are only allowed to judge me when you have spent few excruciating seconds in a 4X4 suffocating lift, hoping there won\u2019t be projectile poop all over you.)\n\n\u2022On every long journey in any mode of transport… flights<\/a>, trains, cars. I think this is a new kind of \u201cmotion\u201d sickness.\n\n\u2022While getting a haircut once with sonny boy in tow \u2013 true test of a parent’s patience. Just last week, when I sat down for a haircut, he wanted to poop as soon as the left half of my hair was cut. With half my mop looking like Monica\u2019s hair from the Bahamas episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S, and the other half looking like a Spice jet air hostess\u2019s bob-hair wig, I had to run through the mall to get the task done.\n\n\u2022On the very rare blue moon night<\/a> in 59 years, when my husband and I wanted to get amorous<\/a>.\n\nThis last one is a particularly sore point. Now, everyone knows that the first thing to go out of the window when a baby comes in, is your sex life. The same activity that would make you both deliciously delirious, now seems just like an annoying distraction to infinitely more important things like sleep!\n\nBut that night was one of those exceptional nights when the baby went to sleep early and we both were surprisingly awake and not covered in applesauce. So we thought of that thing that we used to like doing in bed but that doesn\u2019t even occur to us anymore.\n\nThus began an awkward dance with great anticipation. It had been really long and we\u2019d obviously forgotten the moves. And now we also had to figure out how to achieve this task, considering the sleeping boy does butterfly strokes while revolving 360 degrees in the centre of the bed. In what would put Crime Master Gogo to shame, we\u2019d sneak out of the room to find that sweet and safe spot in the house where we could get it on and began to remember the road to each other\u2019s <\/span>bodies<\/span><\/a>. Blissful, except only a few minutes later, when we had just crossed first base, I sensed movement from the corner of my eye. There was a two-foot figure standing next to us like the kid from \u00a0\u2018The Shining\u201d but only holding its tummy. I froze mid-kiss and hoped and prayed that it was just sleep confusion<\/span>. Our prayers, instead of going to God, had reached Murphy who said \u201cTathasthu\u201d and those magical words came in the middle of my now-dead sex life: \u201cMamma… Potty\u201d<\/span>\n

The realisation that your sex life is directly linked to your baby\u2019s bowel movements is a sobering one. It can put you off sex for life.<\/blockquote>\nThankfully for us (and the future mental health of our child), our clothes were still on, so we dragged ourselves out of our amorous headspace and switched from the couple mode to parent mode<\/a> and attended to the task at hand. The rest of the night was spent with a position we now call missionary – which is my son\u2019s \u201cmission\u201d to keep us apart sleeping on either side of him until he probably goes to college.\n\nThe realisation that your sex life is directly linked to your baby\u2019s bowel movements is a sobering one. It can put you off sex for life. But we were more mature. We realised that we have two choices: We either make peace with not having sex for a few years and keep the snuggling limited to the baby. Or we take the baby in our stride and go right back to making love as if nothing involving poop had ever taken place.\n\nThe second is easier said than done. By the baby dawdling over the potty, crying while cleaning his bum, and crying some more as he tries to go back to sleep, you are left with less sex drive than a Parsi panda.\n\nFor now we\u2019ve made peace with being celibate for a while for a greater good: Of everyone getting a good night\u2019s sleep. But when the blue moon takes over…\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The sex life of new parents is like Donald Trump\u2019s brain \u2013 it\u2019s non-existent. If it does exist, it is rare, awkward, and revolves around the bowel movements of your child.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":198,"featured_media":2370,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[15],"tags":[236,4777,1003,2803,224,4778,244,471,22,408,1908],"class_list":["post-2369","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-love-and-sex","tag-babies","tag-birth","tag-children","tag-life","tag-love","tag-new-parents","tag-parenthood","tag-parenting","tag-relationships","tag-sex","tag-sex-life"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Invisible Sex Life of New Parents<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"The sex life of new parents is like Donald Trump\u2019s brain \u2013 it\u2019s non-existent. 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