{"id":225,"date":"2016-04-18T14:59:21","date_gmt":"2016-04-18T14:59:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=225"},"modified":"2016-04-18T14:59:21","modified_gmt":"2016-04-18T14:59:21","slug":"fifa-world-cup-2018-india-commentary","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=225","title":{"rendered":"Football Shootball Hai Rabba"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

W<\/span>ith just a few hours to go before the FIFA World Cup kicks off, I\u2019m gripped with the fear of the unknown, like I am ahead of any grand Punjabi wedding. I\u2019m left with that same ominous, sinking feeling, that things could go horribly, horribly wrong. It\u2019s going to be Anupam Kher, isn\u2019t it? Talking about the beautiful game with great nationalistic pride, invited only because the top of his head has a remote resemblance to the <\/p>most famous bald head<\/a> in world football.\n\nMy money is on one mention of the apocryphal tale of the Indian football team of days gone by being made in the first five minutes: how they qualified for the World Cup even though they were unable to afford shoes, and then not being allowed to participate. On the side, along with Anupam Uncle, there\u2019ll be Miss Malini discussing the trajectory of Mo Salah\u2019s free kicks with youth icon Riteish Deshmukh, the latter proclaiming that our Virat would have made a great footballer as well.\n\nIt\u2019s an exciting time, and also a frightening one. For some context, I\u2019m speculating on which delightful B- and C-listers will grace our TV screens during the telecast of the WC this time. It\u2019s because of what happened four years ago: the dark, dark days of the 2014 tournament. Before, after, and during each game, the \u201cexpert panel\u201d would \u201canalyse\u201d the matches at hand with Huck Finn-like enthusiasm. Except that they knew basically nothing about the game. The show was called Caf\u00e9 Rio<\/em>. Sort of like IPL-lite.\n\nThe panel at the time was an interesting one: its star attraction, for the first few days, being a tongue-tied John Abraham, the subject of much ridicule, drafted in because he looked rather suave in a suit; oh, and he\u2019d also played a footballer once, in a film no one saw, obviously called Goal. <\/em>There was Gaurav Kapur, who\u2019d made the odd appearance on similar cricket shows, rendering him fit for purpose. And Nikhil Chinapa was in on the action too, because he ran a big party music festival (?) in those pre-fallout days.\n\nAll unscrupulous professionals in their own fields, no doubt, but also rank amateurs here. My guess: The criteria for selection included knowing the difference between fat Ronaldo and cocky Ronaldo, and having an elementary understanding of the offside rule. Naturally, there was much umm-ing and ahh-ing in between mispronounced names and vapid chattering, devoid of anything close to insight, to keep us entertained.\n\nDuring Punjabi wedding celebrations, on the actual wedding day party, all the important or problematic relatives on the bride\u2019s side are given a pagdi to mark them out as critical members of the proceedings. It\u2019s not purely out of respect though; it\u2019s also a cynical ploy to make sure these people don\u2019t kick up a royal fuss by being curt to the relatives on the other side or by drinking too little or too less. It\u2019s like this gesture of appeasement as also a symbolic \u201cshare the wealth\u201d invitation.\n\nThe coverage in 2014 was sort of like that garish Punjabi wedding (the others would be just as bad\/good, I\u2019m sure; just that I only have an intimate understanding of this particular whisky-loving community). Given that many such celebrities were already contracted to the IPL, and thus unavailable for the pagdi ceremony (presenting on TV, in other words), they had to dig deeper and find more obscure, on-the-wane guys who had an EPL-level understanding of the game and could speak reasonably well.\n

The criteria for selection included knowing the difference between fat Ronaldo and cocky Ronaldo, and having an elementary understanding of the offside rule.<\/blockquote>\nI\u2019m not stupid (erm); I can understand that these familiar faces were roped in because Sony SIX was still a relatively new channel that had landed a major non-cricket sporting event and wanted to reach out to a traditionally non-football-watching audience. They knew the fans would watch regardless of who was presenting the pre- and post-game shows; it\u2019s the newbies they were preying on. They even call themselves a \u201csports entertainment\u201d channel \u2013 a term first popularised by professional, choreographed wrestling formerly known as WWF.\n\nTheoretically, it seemed like a sound strategy, but that\u2019s why academia doesn\u2019t pay. It\u2019s when disaster struck. That one uncle who runs his mouth off too much decided to get his fourth whisky minutes before meeting the groom\u2019s parents. Fans of the game took to the internet (the Jantar Mantar of minor concerns) to voice their bemusement<\/a> at how insipid the coverage was, questioning the pedigree, knowledge, and IQ levels of the presenters. It\u2019s understandable, since our generation has been spoilt by the continual presence of the impeccable John Dykes hosting most football shows. Naturally, the plunge from John Dykes to John Abraham was jarring.\n\nMaybe it was a well-intentioned affirmative action\/equal opportunity stunt (if we\u2019re doling out coupons for benefit of the doubt), although you do of course have far more qualified candidates in India \u2013 the encylopaedic, almost John Motson-esque Novy Kapadia instantly springs to mind. More likely, it was an attempt to mimic the IPL model, which itself is inspired by many a great clown circus of yore. Either way, it backfired, but at least the channel\u2019s decision-makers were alert to the danger.\n\nFor damage control, they went to that one slightly younger cousin of the family, the one who studied in the US, knows the difference between a single malt and a blend, and visits Bangkok frequently, and got him to charm the socks off the groom\u2019s immediate family. Joe Morrison, then of Ten Sports (until an acrimonious split after the World Cup), a seasoned presenter who\u2019s both knowledgeable and possesses a fine sense of humour (plus a very un-British jolliness too) was brought in to make sure things didn\u2019t escalate.\n\nSo I\u2019m left wondering if they\u2019ll make the same mistake again. They couldn\u2019t possibly; they must have Morrison primed for duty. But could they? I hope so, to be brutally honest. But any mention of Sachin, Sasural Simar Ka,<\/em> Amitji, Make in India, Bollywood, cheerleaders \u2013 just about anything superfluous \u2013 would be met with the glorious thump of Zizou\u2019s skull into the chest of the speaker.\n\nThis is an updated version of a story published earlier.<\/em>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The FIFA World Cup is upon us and I fear the worst. During the last World Cup, we braced ourselves for \u201cexpert comments\u201d from John Abraham. This time it\u2019s going to be Anupam Kher, isn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":17,"featured_media":226,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[394],"tags":[62,63,64,65,66,67,141,395,396,397,353,71,72],"class_list":["post-225","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-sports","tag-arre","tag-arre-digital-platform","tag-arre-originals","tag-arre-reads","tag-arre-text-articles","tag-arre-website","tag-bollywood","tag-euro-league","tag-football","tag-ipl","tag-sports","tag-web-series","tag-web-shows"],"yoast_head":"\nFootball Shootball Hai Rabba<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"The FIFA World Cup is upon us and I fear the worst. 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