{"id":1958,"date":"2016-03-21T22:53:15","date_gmt":"2016-03-21T17:23:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/consent-aziz-ansari-sexual-assault-me-too\/"},"modified":"2016-03-21T22:53:15","modified_gmt":"2016-03-21T17:23:15","slug":"consent-aziz-ansari-sexual-assault-me-too","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=1958","title":{"rendered":"On Consent, Men Are From Mars, Women From Venus"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<div class=\"container page-content\"><p><span class=\"dropcap\">I<\/span><\/p><\/div><p> \n\n<em>am horny.<\/em>\n\n<i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It\u2019s 3 in the afternoon; Kevin Hart is doing his thing on screen but he barely has my attention. She smells so good. It\u2019s been a while since we\u2019ve had time alone. The house is empty.<\/span><\/i>\n\n<i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I reach out to caress her neck \u2013 she usually likes it. She smiles, pecks me on the cheek and returns her attention toward TV. <\/span><\/i>\n\n<i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Hmm. Not the reaction I wanted. I try again. <\/span><\/i>\n\n<i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A lusty kiss is parried by a gentle rebuke<\/span><\/i>\n\n<i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A wandering hand is reminded of its rightful, \u201csanskari\u201d place.<\/span><\/i>\n\n<i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I keep trying. I\u2019m horny.<\/span><\/i>\n\n<i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Her interest in Kevin Hart\u2019s ex-con uncle isn\u2019t feigned \u2013 she really is digging it. I know full well that sex isn\u2019t on the table&#8230; Yet. I persist. Perhaps, I can change her mind. She didn\u2019t completely shut me down, did she? <\/span><\/i>\n\n<i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Once more unto the breach. <\/span><\/i>\n\n<i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">She eventually succumbs. Success.<\/span><\/i>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">***<\/span><\/p>\n<i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">He\u2019s horny.<\/span><\/i>\n\n<i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I really wanted to see this special. Besides, it\u2019s incredibly humid and I\u2019m just not in the mood for the \u201ckhatiya-tod\u201d dance. <\/span><\/i>\n\n<i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">He\u2019s reaching out. It feels good, darling, but I wish we could just watch some TV. *Peck*<\/span><\/i>\n\n<i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Is he disappointed? He looks it. Well, we didn&#8217;t see much of each other this month\u2026 But dammit, no! I\u2019m not in the mood. <\/span><\/i>\n\n<i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Whoa! That was a whole lot of tongue\u2026 Sorry, babe. Just not feeling it. <\/span><\/i>\n\n<i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I really don\u2019t want to shut him down, he doesn\u2019t like that. I\u2019ll just ride it out, hopefully he\u2019ll get it and give it a rest.<\/span><\/i>\n\n<i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Well. That didn&#8217;t work. He\u2019s back at it. I really wish he\u2019d stop of his own accord.<\/span><\/i>\n\n<i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Take the hint, love.<\/span><\/i>\n\n<i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Aaaaand his pants are off&#8230;<\/span><\/i>\n\n<i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Fine, darling\u2026 but I wish you\u2019d listen.<\/span><\/i>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">***<\/span><\/p>\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Within the context of a healthy, loving relationship, the above scenario may not seem as alien or egregious as some of the sexual assault and misconduct stories that have flooded our timelines over the last few months. However, subtract \u201chealthy, loving relationship\u201d, add a generous dose of \u201ctwo complete strangers\u201d and you basically have a brief overview of what transpired during the <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/gender\/aziz-ansari-consent-sexual-assault-me-too\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cWhen Aziz Ansari Met Grace\u201d<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> episode. \u00a0<\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Thanks to this one encounter that started out as a sweet <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/social-commentary\/consent-alcohol-sex-hookups-relationships-india\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">first date<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, the world is neatly divided into two groups: The \u201cAnsari is a sleazebag\u201d group and \u201cDon\u2019t you dare call this #MeToo\u201d group. <\/span>\n\n<blockquote><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Most women abhor conflict<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, especially with men. There is an underlying, instinctive fear of angering a man, of bruising an ego or hurting his sentiments.<\/span><\/blockquote>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I don\u2019t agree with either. Primarily, because when I see the \u201cAnsari Files\u201d \u2013 an echo of the problematic Mahmood Farooqui judgment \u2013 I see a massive chasm between the two genders when it comes to the act of requesting and granting <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/series\/this-week-in-food\/sexual-harassment-at-the-workplace-food-vada-pav-long-island-iced-tea-episode-18\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">consent<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. On one side, we have Aziz Ansari who was \u2013 allegedly \u2013 aggressively persistent, boorish, and insensitive; and PERHAPS wilfully blind to his date\u2019s unaddressed discomfort or unwillingness. But, as a man, if I were to venture a guess, I\u2019d say that inside the machinations of his brain, as that of so many other men, it was simply a matter of perseverance, in the absence of a vehement \u201cno\u201d.<\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It seemed that the <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/social-commentary\/aziz-ansari-sexual-misconduct-consent-master-of-none\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">initial intimate contact<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> between the two might have led Ansari to assume that consent for sex would soon follow: The pair were making out in the nude in Aziz\u2019s kitchen, and it might have seemed like a rational conclusion then, and I can\u2019t blame him for reaching it. In a world where determination and focused pursuit of one\u2019s goals is seen as macho and attractive, it doesn\u2019t surprise me that Ansari saw her timid rebuttals as merely a speedbump \u2013 an obstacle he not only felt he had to overcome, but also one that he was <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">expected<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> to overcome. And that it was alright.<\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In the pursuit of sex, Ansari might have chosen to throw caution to the wind and cloak himself in the masculine cape of not giving up, because it\u2019s what he might have been conditioned to believe or perhaps it might have worked in the past.<\/span> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Yes, even someone like Aziz Ansari \u2013 noted for displaying remarkable sensitivity through his body of work \u2013 can make mistakes. Ansari isn\u2019t a \u201cfaux feminist\u201d or just another <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/gender\/beware-of-the-brocialist-harvey-weinstein-sexism-feminism-gender-femininity-masculinty-metoo-notallmen-bro-code-brocialism-sexual-harassment-harassment-molestation\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">fair-weather champion of equality<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. He is a human being, built in with all the failings of one. A kind of \u201coptimism\u201d, born in lust and fuelled by miscommunication, doesn\u2019t make him a predatory monster. <\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I can\u2019t personally condone his behaviour, but I also cannot, in good faith, crucify him alongside the <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/gender\/harvey-weinstein-me-too-sexual-assault-rape-women-safety-office-environment\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Weinsteins<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> of the world. In the online account, his behaviour wasn\u2019t exploitative, even if it was insensitive. Forgivable, and more importantly, rectifiable. \u00a0<\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">On the other side, we have the mystery woman who has had a lot of vitriol directed at her online \u2013 for not being clear enough, for representing a bad date as something far more sinister: Possibly 15 minutes of fame (ironic, considering she remains completely anonymous and gains nothing from it). It seems like there is no room for human confusion and second-guessing in the minefield that is communication with strangers. Is it so hard to believe, that perhaps she didn&#8217;t want to brush Ansari off but instead, give themselves a fresh start? <\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A special woman \u2013 whom I love dearly \u2013 once, shared an insight with me that in retrospect should\u2019ve been obvious, but really wasn\u2019t. Most women <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/gender\/manik-katyal-sexual-harassment-at-the-workplace-emaho-magazine-india\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">abhor conflict<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, especially with men. There is an underlying, instinctive fear of angering a man, of bruising an ego or hurting his sentiments. A genuine fear I could never experience myself, but I can now empathise with. I can\u2019t say for certain it played a role in Grace\u2019s apparent complacency, but I do feel that it informs a woman\u2019s decision-making when it comes to handling men. I can only guess here \u2013 but I feel adulation mixed with fear can make for a strong cocktail, perfect for confusing the mind.<\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Should she have made it blindingly clear to Ansari that she was uncomfortable? Perhaps. But should she HAVE to resort to a baaraat of \u201cNO!\u201ds in seven languages and a strongly worded email? Definitely, not. In hindsight, she could\u2019ve been more assertive. In hindsight, I could\u2019ve <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/humour\/open-letter-bitcoin-blockchain-cryptocurrency-exchange\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">bought bitcoins<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. Hindsight is a superpower, it affords one the luxury of clarity and knowledge \u2013 the two elements that could easily go AWOL in the situation described by Grace. Vilifying her doesn\u2019t address the larger issue of how the two genders approach consent as a concept and it certainly doesn\u2019t do the woman any justice. <\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">On one hand, you have men who see consent as this clear, hard-to-miss and harder-to-cross line between yes and no. It\u2019s essentially the <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.britannica.com\/place\/38th-parallel\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">38th parallel<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">: On one side is K-Pop and e-sports and on the other terrible haircuts and starvation. On the other hand, for women, consent <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.arre.co.in\/gender\/cat-person-new-yorker-sexual-harassment\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">is not a line<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> drawn in stone by the chisel of language. It can have shades and boundaries, it can be withdrawn, and it <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">is <\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">subject to change. <\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Human dialogue is complex, dense and prone to error. We have miscommunications all the time. We hear half and guess the remaining. Our socio-political terrain informs our behaviour. Both men and women have been conditioned by a pre-existing social architecture, designed by decades of archaic gender roles and power imbalances. It\u2019ll change, with time\u2026 but it\u2019ll require an acceptance of how and where we all fall short. With patience, with understanding, with honest introspection. Not overnight with reductive, venomous condemnation.<\/span>\n\n<span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And honestly, knee-jerk crucifixions and judgements are so 12th century anyway.<\/span>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>In a world where focused pursuit of one\u2019s goals is seen as macho and attractive, it doesn\u2019t surprise me that Aziz Ansari saw Grace\u2019s rebuttals as merely a speed-bump: An obstacle he not only felt he had to overcome, but was expected to overcome.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":195,"featured_media":1959,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[170],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1958","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-gender"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v28.0 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>On Consent, Men Are 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