{"id":1839,"date":"2016-05-18T04:18:12","date_gmt":"2016-05-17T22:48:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=1839"},"modified":"2016-05-18T04:18:12","modified_gmt":"2016-05-17T22:48:12","slug":"relationships-love-millennials-shared-interests","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=1839","title":{"rendered":"Modern Love and the Flawed Theory of Common Interests"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

“I<\/span>\u2019m a chaisexual,\u201d Sagar said, nearly causing me to spill my drink. Drunk Delhi winters can get weird, but this was still out of the ordinary. \u201cI don\u2019t think I can date people who prefer coffee over tea, it just doesn\u2019t work for me.\u201d Now Sagar is a super smart dude with a super smart job — smart enough not to use his real name when being quoted in stories — so this level of specificity in potential romantic partners threw me off. He clarified that this was just an extension of the \u201ccommon interests\u201d phenomenon, a notch above \u201cwhat are your hobbies?\u201d, but my mind was already buzzing.\n\n<\/p>Sagar was not off the mark, if only in helping me understand how millennial love works, and how far it skews from love from the Binaca Geetmala generation. So many of us base our romances based on monocultural milestones, i.e. things we all consume together over Netflix and Amazon, making our connections extremely specific? <\/span>\n\nBack in the day, connections were forged over whether you had a stable job at Bharat Heavy Electricals Limited, from where you could retire after 35 years of service, ideally after your home loan EMIs were paid for. Now, of course, you have to find someone who definitely agrees that Ross and Rachel weren\u2019t on a break. As this generation, born in the early nineties, which has some affection for <\/span>Just Mohabbat<\/span><\/i> and <\/span>Baadshah<\/span><\/i> and<\/span> Race<\/span><\/i>, went from Limewire to Torrents, the shared interest became even more sacred.<\/span>\n\nI remember being stumped by this girl in school, who was into Jeffrey Archer\u2019s <\/span>Kane and Abel<\/span><\/i>, even more than I. In college, as my tastes refined a bit, I was even more dumbfounded by another girl who agreed with my closet take that <\/span>Once<\/span><\/i> was a better depiction of modern romance than Richard Linklater\u2019s <\/span>Before<\/span><\/i> series. Both of us were absolutely floored to the point of \u201cHow can this be\u201d, when we realised we might\u2019ve been the only two people in the world who had the first Rhye record downloaded on their phones, with the song \u201cOpen\u201d being the most played. We obviously talked, found more similar interests, and boom: Perfection. <\/span>\n\nThe specificity made us special, we thought, and were drawn to each other like puppies to a tennis ball. Like all good romances, though, this came with built-in obsolescence. <\/span>\n\nThe problem though, with placing shared interests in such high regard, is that apart from making the small talk easier, it doesn\u2019t really function well as an indicator of a relationship\u2019s overall health. Being able to argue passionately about a scene in <\/span>Mad Men<\/span><\/i> won\u2019t matter when the problem is managing a day job or your father-in-law\u2019s burgeoning expectations. <\/span>\n

Compatibility is an achievement of love; it must not be its precondition<\/blockquote>\nI understood this a little better when I watched <\/span>High Fidelity<\/span><\/i>. <\/span>\n\nIn the film, Rob (played by John Cusack) recounts his collegial relationship with Catherine Zeta-Jones\u2019 Charlie, who is bright and attractive and says \u201csmart things\u201d about things he cares about, like Milan Kundera\u2019s <\/span>The Unbearable Lightness of Being<\/span><\/i>. She\u2019s artistic, he\u2019s mesmerised by her, by her ability to dazzle with a conversation, highlighting an inherent youthful snobbery in him. But she dumps him for a less needy dude, and it takes him a revisit after over a decade to understand that when Charlie spoke, she mostly spoke of nothing. This pushes him back to his current love, who doesn\u2019t say anything spectacular, but is <\/span>\u201cjust good. But really good.\u201d<\/span><\/a> It isn\u2019t as if the current love, Laura, replaces smarties about shared interests with inherent goodness; it\u2019s just that she believes that Rob is more than just a quote from a book, more than a remembered lyric from an obscure song from the \u201960s.<\/span>\n\nThis idea is laid out most eloquently in the deeply insightful and viral essay, <\/span>\u201cWhy You Will Marry The Wrong Person,\u201d<\/span><\/a> by British-Swiss author Alain de Botton. He makes a case for finding not the right person, but a person who isn\u2019t \u201coverly wrong\u201d for us. \u201cThe person who is best suited to us,\u201d writes de Botton, \u201cis not the person who shares our every taste (he or she doesn\u2019t exist), but the person who can negotiate differences in taste intelligently — the person who is good at disagreement. Rather than some notional idea of perfect complementarity, it is the capacity to tolerate differences with generosity that is the true marker of the \u2018not overly wrong\u2019 person. Compatibility is an achievement of love; it must not be its precondition.\u201d<\/span>\n\nI keep going back to that last line. Someone\u2019s taste in TV — \u201cIs he\/she not smart enough to enjoy <\/span>Rick and Morty<\/span><\/i>?\u201d — or current events — \u201cI wonder what she has to say about Shashi Tharoor\u2019s latest tweet?\u201d — is a most imperfect way of looking at love. <\/span>\n\nWhy then do we continue to google \u201cWhy shared interests are important in relationships\u201d only to come up incorrect and inaccurate answers, when there is a plethora of research that advises us against it? Stephanie Coontz is a <\/span>historian<\/span><\/a> who has spent decades researching about marriage, who says <\/span>here<\/span><\/a> that, \u201cIt\u2019s not so much the case that couples must <\/span>share <\/span><\/i>hobbies and interests. But it is essential to <\/span>be interested<\/span><\/i> in your partner, to experience joy in their joy.\u201d<\/span>\n\nI wanted to tell my friend Sagar that gauging people on their choice of beverage, might work for him in the initial few days<\/a>. But if one of them cheated on the other due to miscommunication, the agreement over chai would be cold comfort. And that he should leave room for the fact that a coffee-lover was just as capable of being kind and thoughtful and caring, and just might set his heart aflame. <\/span>\n\nA cup of chai, or a song, or a movie, is after all, just a red herring, trying to dissuade us from real love, which is already a kind of socially acceptable <\/span>insanity<\/span><\/a>. And when Sagar, and I, and you, aren\u2019t going to be rational anyway in romance, why look for it at all?<\/span>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Someone\u2019s taste in TV — \u201cIs he\/she not smart enough to enjoy Rick and Morty?\u201d — or current events — \u201cI wonder what she has to say about Shashi Tharoor\u2019s latest tweet?\u201d — is the most imperfect way of looking at love.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":82,"featured_media":1840,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[15],"tags":[3629,3630,224,1245,1459,22,408,3631],"class_list":["post-1839","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-love-and-sex","tag-attraction","tag-common-interests","tag-love","tag-millennials","tag-modern-love","tag-relationships","tag-sex","tag-shared-interests"],"yoast_head":"\nModern Love and the Flawed Theory of Common Interests<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Someone\u2019s taste in TV -- \u201cIs he\/she not smart enough to enjoy Rick and Morty?\u201d -- or current events 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