{"id":1785,"date":"2016-06-21T03:50:40","date_gmt":"2016-06-20T22:20:40","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=1785"},"modified":"2016-06-21T03:50:40","modified_gmt":"2016-06-20T22:20:40","slug":"madhya-satna-carollers-burning-car-conversion","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=1785","title":{"rendered":"EXCLUSIVE! Bad Santa Behind Satna Carollers\u2019 Burning Car"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

W<\/span><\/p>eedward & Bongstein were on their annual Christmas break in Madhya Pradesh, when they heard about an <\/span>incident<\/span><\/a> in the city of Satna. Here, a vehicle carrying mirth and good cheer was set on fire. This was not a car headed to a Punjabi wedding, but one full of Christmas carollers. Being the committed investigative journalists that the two are, W&B decided to get to the bottom of this important mystery. <\/span>\n\nOn arriving in downtown Satna, W&B were told that the \u201canti-nationals\u201d had been lodged in the local police station. They met a police inspector, a Salman Khan wannabe named Bhulchuk Pandey, who directed them to a jail cell holding eight priests and seven carollers. When asked what the priests had done, Inspector Bhulchuk stated, \u201cDekhe hain hum <\/span>Ispotlight <\/span><\/i>(sic), humko pata hai yeh bin bache ke fatherlog kya karte hai, isliye inko jail me rakhe hai.\u201d (I\u2019ve seen <\/span>Spotlight<\/span><\/i>, I know all about what these childless fathers are upto.) <\/span>\n\nDeciding this was an investigation for another day, the duo focused its attention toward the rest of the inmates. Upon further cajoling, one of the carollers who declined to be named, told W&B that the night began like any other until mid-way through a carol, they were surrounded by goons who demanded they cease trying to convert people to a religion that allowed the consumption of steak and alcohol without the stress of being reborn as an earthworm. The police intervened and arrested the carollers for forceful conversion in G-major.<\/span>\n\n\nWhile this drama unfolded inside the police station, outside an insidious cup of tea was brewing. W&B ran into a man in a white beard dressed in saffron, who led us to the spot where the car was still burning. The man in saffron glared at them and began a tirade about how these carols drove him nuts every year causing his heart to race every time he heard the words, \u201cJingle Bells\u201d. Something about the way he said \u201cJingle Bells\u201d caught W&B\u2019s attention. <\/span>\n\n

\u201cJust sick of all this nonsense about reindeers and partridges and Frosty the Snowman!\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\nThey pulled the man\u2019s saffron robes to reveal he was none other than a holiday Santa-for-hire gone rogue. The long hours in schools, spent distributing presents to prissy children had made him determined to rid the world of Christmas cheer. \u201cI\u2019m sick of it,\u201d he yelled, \u201cJust sick of all this nonsense about reindeers and partridges and Frosty the Snowman! What the fuck are these things even?\u201d<\/span>\n\nHe went on to add that he had requested fellow saffron-robed folks to help stop the celebrations, but a bunch of Christians singing songs didn\u2019t scare anyone. Until, of course, one of the carollers was overheard asking for help converting an MP3 backing track to AAC. The very mention of the word \u201cconversion\u201d set off a bad case of Chinese whispers, which whipped up a frenzy and led them to attack the carollers.<\/span>\n\nW&B decided to leave as soon as the man asked them whether they\u2019d been naughty or nice. On their way out, they received a mystery text that simply said \u201cHo Ho Ho\u201d. Thinking it might be a message from the real Santa Claus, they called the number for a quote. It turned out to be a spam SMS advertising escort services in MP. W&B had had enough by now, and decided to leave as they had to be in Delhi the following morning to follow the day\u2019s most important story: the marijuana legalisation bill that\u2019s up for debate in Parliament\u2019s winter session.<\/span>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In Madhya Pradesh\u2019s Satna, a group of carollers was arrested for trying to convert people. W&B found out that the only thing it was trying to convert was an MP3 backing track to AAC.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":15,"featured_media":1786,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[74],"tags":[3517,3518,3519,1236,3520,1635,3521],"class_list":["post-1785","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-disarre","tag-arrest","tag-car","tag-carol-singers","tag-christmas","tag-fire","tag-madhya-pradesh","tag-satna"],"yoast_head":"\nEXCLUSIVE! Bad Santa Behind Satna Carollers\u2019 Burning Car<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"In Madhya Pradesh\u2019s Satna, a group of carollers was arrested for trying to convert people. 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