{"id":1584,"date":"2016-03-04T14:45:01","date_gmt":"2016-03-04T14:45:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=1584"},"modified":"2016-03-04T14:45:01","modified_gmt":"2016-03-04T14:45:01","slug":"sesquipedalian-grammar-nazi-sapiosexual-sexting","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=1584","title":{"rendered":"Sexting for the Obsessive Grammar Geek"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

I<\/span>\u2019m a normal guy; I savagely hate people who typ lyk diz and nothing pisses me off more than seeing the words \u201chi dear\u201d on a screen. I also don\u2019t understand \u201cwhy people ignore the little red lines under their sentences. Do folks think it\u2019s for decoration?\u201d Yes, it\u2019s true, my friends frequently shame me for using words like \u201cdelectable\u201d to describe a McSpicy Burger. And yes, this obsession with clean language has also spilled over into my love life.\n\nConsider me shallow, but I\u2019ve always found good vocabulary to be an immensely attractive trait. I mean, if a girl uses words like effervescence in passing conversation, I\u2019m ready to have babies with her. Did you just say that I\u2019m the guy who defines himself as a <\/p>sapiosexual<\/a> in my Tinder bio<\/a>, the one you warned your friends about? Not really; every pleb who has read an Immanuel Kant quote and watched an episode of BoJack Horseman<\/a> can call himself a sapiosexual. I, on the other hand, represent a more complex sub-branch of sapiosexuality. I have a sesquipedalian fetish.\n\nNaturally, the effect of this on my dating life has been less than satisfactory.\n\nMy first tryst on the quest to find my intellectual paramour was with Reena, a curly-haired, doe-eyed fashion blogger who couldn\u2019t stop giggling every time I read aloud \u201cSex on the beach\u201d from the menu. I was clearly one of her 100k Instagram followers, who had been successfully duped into believing that \u201cblogger\u201d meant intellectual. We spent most of our first date yelling over loud music at a Bandra bar. As far as first dates go, this was average at best and there were no immediate sparks. But since everyone\u2019s standards drop after 2 am and two J\u00e4gerbombs, we ended up making out in the back of an Uber<\/a>.\n\nPerhaps it was the tipsiness during this cab ride that made me open up about my love for big words being thrown around in conversation. She giggled again and asked if, while growing up, I browsed through the dictionary instead of Playboy<\/a> to get my jollies. To quote the legendary Phil from Modern Family<\/i>, \u201cI laughed, but it hurt a little.\u201d\n\nCut to five days of \u00a0\u201cmaking plans\u201d for a second date, we found ourselves dabbling in the national pastime for millennials, aka sexting<\/a>: Over Snapchat<\/a>, like regular human beings, as opposed to doing it over WhatsApp<\/a> like savages. So what if we aren\u2019t famous enough to end up on FapGate? There\u2019s still creepy amateur sites aplenty and that\u2019s enough reason enough to steer clear of WhatsApp. Not to mention, it\u2019s strangely empowering to put a flower-crown filter on your junk. Of course, before we got into the thick of things, pun intended, wordplay was our foreplay.\n\n\u201cTalking is only the second best thing I do with my tongue,\u201d was a solid opener from Reena and I wasn\u2019t as impressed by the verbosity as I was with just the sheer creativity of thought. I was hopeful she\u2019d remember my weird fetish for big words and egged her on with a, \u201cYou know what I\u2019d like to hear, right Reena?\u201d Honestly, I was hoping for at least a \u201cOh yeah! You dirty scoundrel, do you want me to play along with your deepest, deplorable, and depraved sexual inhibitions?\u201d\n

But since everyone\u2019s standards drop after 2 am and two J\u00e4gerbombs, we ended up making out in the back of an Uber.<\/blockquote>\nSo I should have been warned when she responded with a casual, \u201cTotes!\u201d But nothing — and I mean nothing — could have prepared me for the cringey, \u201cu knw wht I wud lyk 2 c?\u201d This, when we had just started getting into the mood.\n\nIt was all downhill from there.\n\nJust thinking about those eight little words gives me the shudders even today. Those deliberate misspellings were like deforestation<\/a>: completely destroying wood. But I was eager to troop on. Our conversation varied from things we wished to be doing to each other in person to recalling the specifics of our Uber tryst. Then, suddenly, she dropped another bombshell: \u201cI have weird naval fetish.\u201d At this point, I was really hoping she meant men in uniform, but she clarified saying she wanted to see my belly button. I replied with a polite, \u201cReena, you mean *navel? Lol.\u201d She changed the topic.\n\nOne typo and broken sentence at a time, our conversation limped along, as did my little friend, to be honest. Heading towards its eventual crescendo, we decided to send each other nudes. An unenthusiastic dick pic<\/a> later, it was her turn. And to her credit, she did return the favor. But somehow, decided it was a good idea to caption it, \u201cPFA my boobies for your perusal, love!\u201d I was naturally aghast. Not at the picture itself, which was quite amazing. But PFA?! I was torn between my need to pleasure myself and bloody PFA, which reminded me of all the office emails that were left unanswered.\n\nReena and I never met again. It just wasn\u2019t meant to be. However, what this entire episode made me realise was that I needed to be more honest about my interests in my online dating profile. So my current bio reads: \u201cWriter. Father to a pupper and kitty. Sesquipedaliaphile.\u201d It hasn\u2019t done much for me except some women jokingly initiating conversation with texts like \u201cidyllic\u201d or \u201cpulchritudinous\u201d before promptly unmatching with me.\n\nBut to quote Shashi Tharoor<\/a>, I forge ahead in my farrago of sexual and verbal arousal until my inamorata employs the word \u201ceffervescence\u201d at me. In the meanwhile, I guess I\u2019ll just have to pass through the Reenas that populate this dilapidated dystopia of singlehood. It\u2019ll be a worthy pursuit.\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Every pleb who has read an Immanuel Kant quote can call himself a sapiosexual. But I represent a more complex sub-branch of sapiosexuality. 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