{"id":1211,"date":"2016-04-15T22:04:44","date_gmt":"2016-04-15T22:04:44","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/13.201.39.237\/?p=1211"},"modified":"2016-04-15T22:04:44","modified_gmt":"2016-04-15T22:04:44","slug":"masturbation-wanking-dick-penis-apna-haath-jargon-naath","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/13.207.105.184\/?p=1211","title":{"rendered":"Apna Haath Jargon-naath"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p><span class=\"dropcap\">I<\/span>realised my parents referred to masturbating as \u201cshaking\u201d on the day they caught me in the act.\n\nDon\u2019t give me that eye-roll because let\u2019s be honest, it\u2019s happened to all of us. The only thing that varies is the point of the process when it happens. If you\u2019re lucky it\u2019s at the extreme ends of the spectrum; if you\u2019re unlucky then it\u2019s in the middle, at peak point of the drama. I was lucky. My future kids were neatly nestled in a wad of tissue and I was just about to pull my pants back up when she raised the alarm.\n\nMum: That is wrong, you need to fear God. This is a house of God, doing that is not allowed here.\n\nDad: (still groggy) Doing what? What was he doing?\n\nMom: He was, (hesitantly), shaking that thing.\n\nMe: (By now, the \u201cShake That Thing\u201d hook from \u201cGet Busy\u201d by Sean Paul was playing in my head) I actually had a rash I was scratching.\n\nDad: Shut up! I was a boy too, I know what you\u2019re doing, what you think (sic), I don\u2019t know why you take so long in the toilet. I used to shake too, but then I realised it was wrong. It\u2019s a sin.\n\nAs my dad ranted, all I could think of was why the hell was he calling it a shake! First, it\u2019s technically incorrect because it implies movement across three axes and second, it ruins milkshakes forever. Why couldn\u2019t he have gone for jerking off, shagging, stroking, wanking, playing your own fiddle, punching the clown, strangling the one-eyed snake, making the mole cry, beating your meat, and so on. Why shake??\n\nBut shaking, it would seem, is embedded in more cultures than guilty Catholics. For instance, in rural Maharashtra the phrase most often used is, \u201cNunni halvat hota.\u201d The literal translation being, \u201cwas shaking his penis.\u201d An alternate word for\u00a0nunni is\u00a0lulli, and aand and aandva are used liberally when talking about testicles (penile etymology in India deserves its own documentary).\n\nAs wrong as it seems, quite a few cultures have used words to describe masturbation that are predicated on the premise of shaking. Closer to the sea, the Marathi \u201chalvat hota\u201d becomes the Konkani \u201chaloi ta\u201d which sounds remarkably similar to \u201challelujah\u201d which coincidentally is a literary ejaculation. (Every time I read old prayer books as a child, they instructed me to say a line followed by the ejaculation, \u201challelujah\u201d leaving me wondering if God or the printers want us to have sex.) Agreed, an erect penis resembles a joystick, but using it as such is like a shortcut to a penile fracture, just \u2019cause it doesn\u2019t have a bone, doesn\u2019t mean it can\u2019t be broke.\n<\/p><blockquote class=\"quote--center\">Muth maarna sounds like you decided simple masturbation didn\u2019t give you the jollies anymore, so you went for a solid punch in the dick.<\/blockquote>\nA non-shaky alternative to \u201chaloi ta\u201d is \u201cdhon khecha\u201d, where dhon = penis, and khecha = pulling. It is a phrase I learnt working with some pretty randy Bengali cooks. Every time I\u2019d clock in late or be running behind on prep, one of \u2019em would walk over to me, smack me in the ass, and go, \u201cItna time kyu lagta hai, dhon khenchne gaya tha kya bokachoda?\u201d (Why does it take you so long; do you run off to masturbate, you arsehole). With time I got quicker with my hands, rose up among the ranks, and asked interns in a particularly nasty tone, \u201cKidhar tha gandu, dhon khich raha tha kya bhenchod.\u201d On hearing this the Bong brigade behind the burners would erupt into peals of laughter.\n\nOne day a new dishwasher asked me what dhon khecha meant. I explained and learnt a new phrase in return, \u201chandshake\u201d. Chotu, the Rajasthani dishwasher, enlightened me to the fact that in brothels around the city, a rub and tug is referred to as a handshake, a brief, concise, literal no-nonsense term for an act that occurs when you have no money to go all the way but still want the hands-free experience. This was coined no doubt by the hard-working women in brothels. When you work in the appalling conditions they do, and have to turn tricks at an astronomical rate, I guess you don\u2019t need the verbosity.\n\nOver the years, I\u2019ve realised that human beings have come up with a plethora of terms to describe the simple act of pleasuring yourself. It\u2019s like we can\u2019t bring ourselves to call it what it is, so we scuttle about inventing a series of shorthand signs that all sound distinctly violent.\n\nBut nowhere is the violence more apparent than in \u2013 you got it \u2013 North India. In most of the northern part of India, self-love is equated with punching out your own dick. Or muth maarna. How? Why? Muth maarna sounds like you decided simple masturbation didn\u2019t give you the jollies anymore, so you went for a solid punch in the dick. No wonder Delhi\u2019s so violent, muth maarna, chill maarna, goli maarna\u2026 the beatings never end.\n\nA comparatively tamer phrase prominent from the north, but used all over India, is \u201cikhsat baasath\u201d (61-62). Originally coined to describe the way a woman with a badonkadonk walks, it became a phrase for the literal act of sex, with ikhsat meaning in and baasath meaning out, or the other way around depending on whom you ask. Eventually, some unlucky guy was probably called out for doing the ikhsat baasath by himself, probably by a bunch of laundas on a lawn in North Campus and the phrase stuck. Now ikhsat baasath is a blanket term for a host of sexual activity.\n\nIkhsat baasath is cute, but it\u2019s got nothing on the classy spin to the act put on by the speakers of Urdu. The Urdu phrase for masturbation is \u201cjalaq lagana\u201d. As with everything Urdu, this has to have a sense of refinement and grandeur attached to it. It automatically evokes images of Mughal emperors grabbing their miniatures with a bunch of giggling courtesans in the foreground. I wonder if \u201cJhalak dikhla ja\u201d was playing in their heads as they watched the emperor go at it.\n\nIt\u2019ll be a while before I can get that image out of my head. All I know is, the next time my daddy trots out the inelegant \u201cshaking\u201d, I\u2019ll have a series of euphemistic counters to throw at him.\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Human beings have come up with a plethora of terms to describe the simple act of pleasuring yourself. We scuttle about inventing a series of shorthand signs that all sound distinctly violent.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":1212,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[15],"tags":[2051,2052,2053,2054,853,2055,2056],"class_list":["post-1211","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-love-and-sex","tag-dick","tag-masturbation","tag-muth-marna","tag-nunni","tag-porn","tag-wanker","tag-wanking"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v28.0 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Apna Haath Jargon-naath<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Human beings have come up with a plethora of terms to describe the simple act of pleasuring yourself. 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